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Logline critique please...

monumentalwords

monumentalwords

Hi guys,

I'm in the development stage of my script and would like your views on my logline if that is cool?

MONUMENTAL WORDS

An apathetic atheist investigates the sinister history of his local cemetery, aggravating an age-old feud between the Church and an ancient evil.
 
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"An apathetic atheists" is too clever by half. Which aspect is more vital to the story?

For example, (and this is just example, I don't know what your story is about)
If the story is supernatural (ancient evil is not part of the natural world) then Id lose the apathetic aspect. Apathetic is only important to the character if that character has to become involved thereby losing his apathy along the way..


If the story is not supernatural (ancient evil is natural in origin, read that MASONS, TEMPLAR, ala Dan Brown, ) then lose the atheist. Atheists is only important as a character trait if the character confronts his "unbelief" ..

thats not to say that your character must be EITHER apathetic AND atheists, rather the LOG LINE should be clean and 100% important, no unimportant stuff..

just a thought..
 
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The only thing I would think about improving is the "apathetic atheist" part. It doesn't really say much about what makes this character interesting or unique to this situation. Is the protagonist's atheism really the central quality of this character? Is it the one trait/value that influences how he/she acts and sees the world? It's a little cerebral when it might be better to communicate an emotional quality. Also, if this character is really "apathetic" what motivates him/her to investigate? Apathetic generally means a person who does not care, and therefore does not take action.
 
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I agree. As an atheist I can tell you I certainly don't base my life off the fact that I'm an atheist. That's just absurd. There has to be another quality or trait that makes this protagonist interesting...
 
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Sounds like an interesting premise and a good start with the logline. Great suggestions above. You're almost there.

I agree that 'apathetic atheist' doesn't quite work. Is he a pot-smoking atheist? Maybe identify the character's career? (which is?) An unemployed carny... A freethinking librarian...

Also, not certain if the comma is necessary. Consider '... local cemetery which refuels/reignites/sparks an age-old...'

Dos centavos. :)
 
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