critique Lily Fire (Screenplay)

[sfoster]

I posted the outline last week and people really liked it!

Plot: Eleven year old Lily is celebrating christmas when her family is attacked by the mafia, sending her life spiraling out of control.

[EDIT: LINK REMOVED]

There are some elements that will be amazing on screen.
Like forcing the family to sit there watching their loved one have a heart attack and being helpless to do anything.

But I feel like it doesn't really come across very powerful in the script yet it will come off powerful on screen.
Screenplays just dont embellish those sort of feelings, you state the facts and you move on writing right?

Could I handle the heart attack better on paper?
I found the whole home invasion scene surprisingly difficult to write effectively.

 

[sfoster]

Ah yeah I went more action and less horror, I see what you’re saying.

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

So I actually wrote this day before yesterday but my Internet went out and couldn't post it.

First of all? I realize this is just a script to shoot a short and that you're shooting it. With that in mind -- as always -- you can obviously write whatever you want -- shoot it however you want. Having said that? I'd still hope that someone reading this can end up learning a little something when it comes to writing screenplays overall.

To me? The problem that stems from writing something any way you want to write it is that you still have to show the script to someone if you're attempting to recruit them on board the production however small it is. Knowing that? If it were me? I'd want the script looking as good as possible even to non-film types who read it.

So here we go...

You mention colors a lot... I suspect this comes from all the videos you've been watching and sharing about COLOR which is fine but again? This kind of detail slows the reading down for me personally AND? It tells me NOTHING about the scene. Just because you're telling me a room is monochromatic blue doesn't necessarily give me anything emotional. Sure, it's a place card for YOU as director but for me? It just slows the reading down and momentarily takes me out of the story. It doesn't make me anticipate anything. No offense... But this is the kind of detail that should go into a SHOOTING script. I get that you're NOT going to do both because this is a short that you intend to shoot on your own but then again? You do have to show this script to others in order to get them involved. Do they need all that additional information? Or? Should you just tell them the STORY?

I don't know anything about Lily's family... You IMMEDIATELY show us her mother having her shoot a 9mm pistol... Dressed in an apple green elf costume. Maybe you were going for BIZARRE VISUAL here... Maybe not but it certainly is bizarre to ME personally. Not only would I NOT be dressed in a costume teaching my 11 year old how to shoot anything but I certainly wouldn't have her dressed up in a costume either. I get that this EVENT is being done on the sly so Dad doesn't find out but it just doesn't ring true or SAFE to me. It also seems RUSHED like, "Let's hurry up and shoot this gun before Dad gets home!" LOL. This is something you simply do NOT rush... EVER. Is the visual bizarre? Sure. Does it make sense? I guess since it's Christmas it MIGHT make sense to some. I have firearms and I use them from time to time and I even take people shooting from time to time this just seems a bit contrived for the sake of bizarre or visual.

When you JUMP to the BOSS telling the HITMAN to kill his twin brother too because he doesn't want to see this guy's face again... This ALSO feels a bit CONTRIVED and CONVENIENT to me. Sure, it explains why the hitman and hitwoman go to Lily's house to kill the family but it feels way too easy, contrived, and convenient.

In the middle of all this chaos, Dad grabs Lily's plate and throws it into the garbage... I assume you wrote that so that the hitman and hitwoman wouldn't see a third plate on the table and thus... Wouldn't KNOW about Lily's existence but to me that's troubling because the BOSS certainly knew about the twin... He's the BOSS. Why wouldn't he know about the entire family as well?

I also think your dialogue is a little overkill... I think you could shorten it and it would have even more impact while your characters essentially say the same thing... Get their exact same point(s) across.

Last but not least...

A personal pet peeve of mine -- especially when it comes to any kind of action is PASSIVE VOICE. There's a lot of it and to me? Passive voice tends to WEAKEN the overall narrative. You can obviously leave it in and do what you want to do because you're the one shooting it for yourself but again... When you ask others to read through it? This is the kind of stuff that tends to not only slow the reading down but weaken it as well.

Just my 2 cents...

 

[sfoster]

So I actually wrote this day before yesterday but my Internet went out and couldn't post it.

First of all? I realize this is just a script to shoot a short and that you're shooting it. With that in mind -- as always -- you can obviously write whatever you want -- shoot it however you want. Having said that? I'd still hope that someone reading this can end up learning a little something when it comes to writing screenplays overall.

To me? The problem that stems from writing something any way you want to write it is that you still have to show the script to someone if you're attempting to recruit them on board the production however small it is. Knowing that? If it were me? I'd want the script looking as good as possible even to non-film types who read it.

So here we go...

You mention colors a lot... I suspect this comes from all the videos you've been watching and sharing about COLOR which is fine but again? This kind of detail slows the reading down for me personally AND? It tells me NOTHING about the scene. Just because you're telling me a room is monochromatic blue doesn't necessarily give me anything emotional. Sure, it's a place card for YOU as director but for me? It just slows the reading down and momentarily takes me out of the story. It doesn't make me anticipate anything. No offense... But this is the kind of detail that should go into a SHOOTING script. I get that you're NOT going to do both because this is a short that you intend to shoot on your own but then again? You do have to show this script to others in order to get them involved. Do they need all that additional information? Or? Should you just tell them the STORY?

I don't know anything about Lily's family... You IMMEDIATELY show us her mother having her shoot a 9mm pistol... Dressed in an apple green elf costume. Maybe you were going for BIZARRE VISUAL here... Maybe not but it certainly is bizarre to ME personally. Not only would I NOT be dressed in a costume teaching my 11 year old how to shoot anything but I certainly wouldn't have her dressed up in a costume either. I get that this EVENT is being done on the sly so Dad doesn't find out but it just doesn't ring true or SAFE to me. It also seems RUSHED like, "Let's hurry up and shoot this gun before Dad gets home!" LOL. This is something you simply do NOT rush... EVER. Is the visual bizarre? Sure. Does it make sense? I guess since it's Christmas it MIGHT make sense to some. I have firearms and I use them from time to time and I even take people shooting from time to time this just seems a bit contrived for the sake of bizarre or visual.

When you JUMP to the BOSS telling the HITMAN to kill his twin brother too because he doesn't want to see this guy's face again... This ALSO feels a bit CONTRIVED and CONVENIENT to me. Sure, it explains why the hitman and hitwoman go to Lily's house to kill the family but it feels way too easy, contrived, and convenient.

In the middle of all this chaos, Dad grabs Lily's plate and throws it into the garbage... I assume you wrote that so that the hitman and hitwoman wouldn't see a third plate on the table and thus... Wouldn't KNOW about Lily's existence but to me that's troubling because the BOSS certainly knew about the twin... He's the BOSS. Why wouldn't he know about the entire family as well?

I also think your dialogue is a little overkill... I think you could shorten it and it would have even more impact while your characters essentially say the same thing... Get their exact same point(s) across.

Last but not least...

A personal pet peeve of mine -- especially when it comes to any kind of action is PASSIVE VOICE. There's a lot of it and to me? Passive voice tends to WEAKEN the overall narrative. You can obviously leave it in and do what you want to do because you're the one shooting it for yourself but again... When you ask others to read through it? This is the kind of stuff that tends to not only slow the reading down but weaken it as well.

Just my 2 cents...

damn I thought I was in the habit of active voice but apparently not. and I thought my story could be followed visually by someone that doesn’t even understand English dialogue. I’ll have to reread the script and pinpoint those sentences of passive voice and weak dialogu

we have some misunderstanding at the beginning. They are going shooting outside on Christmas Day and that’s fine and safe and dad knows about it. They shoot regularly. It was the two pistols at once that was supposed to be the secret as it’s a bit less safe And unusual especially for a kid

I don’t mind that the story is slightly contrived bc it totally fails my test for realism. I ask myself if I turn on the news IRL what are the chances I see a story like this? 11 year old gets into gunfight with mafia and kills them all? Lol. You could live 300 years and you won’t see that story so it’s really a bit of a fantasy isn’t it? Contrived at its very core. I’d rather not have the viewers eye roll or anything if I can avoid it tho. One person said the twin was one of their favorite touches.

Lily could easily be at a friends house so there is no guarantee she at her dads and what parent would not take the extra step To hide Lily even if it’s just a Small chance to save their kid?

point taken about the shooting script and colors, thanks. I will definitely update before ending it to actors

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

Okay... Well from reading what you've written? I couldn't tell they were doing SOMETHING that they do regularly. The script even says:

MOM​

You have to promise you won't tell
your Dad. Okay Razzle Dazzle, you
can try it once! So you can see how
unrealistic movie heroes are when
they shoot with both hands.

This dialogue doesn't make me FEEL that this is something the two (or three?) of them do on a regular basis. The two pistols thing? I got that Mom was allowing Lily to give that a try... I got that Mom gave her the other 9mm so Lily could shoot with both hands. I got all that but because of the dialogue above? It felt (to me) more like the shooting practice itself was something they were trying to keep from Dad.

I also get what you're saying about the ENTIRE story being contrived at its very core. I get that but based on what you've written here? It SEEMS and FEELS to me like you're trying to make this seem fairly real -- like it could happen within the world you've painted for us. The contrived part I was specifically talking about was the Boss telling the Hitman and Hitwoman to kill the bloodied Man's twin yet not knowing about the rest of the twin's family... Or at least, Lily. Just felt a bit easy and convenient to me.

What I did not mention in my critique was the Mom's action sequence in the kitchen, dealing with the Hitman and Hitwoman. If choreographed and shot well? This could be really good.

 

[sfoster]

Okay... Well from reading what you've written? I couldn't tell they were doing SOMETHING that they do regularly. The script even says:

MOM​

You have to promise you won't tell
your Dad. Okay Razzle Dazzle, you
can try it once! So you can see how
unrealistic movie heroes are when
they shoot with both hands.

This dialogue doesn't make me FEEL that this is something the two (or three?) of them do on a regular basis. The two pistols thing? I got that Mom was allowing Lily to give that a try... I got that Mom gave her the other 9mm so Lily could shoot with both hands. I got all that but because of the dialogue above? It felt (to me) more like the shooting practice itself was something they were trying to keep from Dad.

I also get what you're saying about the ENTIRE story being contrived at its very core. I get that but based on what you've written here? It SEEMS and FEELS to me like you're trying to make this seem fairly real -- like it could happen within the world you've painted for us. The contrived part I was specifically talking about was the Boss telling the Hitman and Hitwoman to kill the bloodied Man's twin yet not knowing about the rest of the twin's family... Or at least, Lily. Just felt a bit easy and convenient to me.

What I did not mention in my critique was the Mom's action sequence in the kitchen, dealing with the Hitman and Hitwoman. If choreographed and shot well? This could be really good.

I'll put some thought into those moments and see if I can sell them better.
I bet I can improve the opening dialogue. the twin thing is probably a necessary evil.

Thanks!
I am going to build a blood cannon for that fight scene but all of the bullet holes in the wall and debris will be 100% cgi. no planting explosives in the drywall like they do for hollywood movies such as mr ms smith.

going to need to do test shots.
If the action isn't fun and exciting in this movie then i think the whole movie will fail

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

I think you could rework Mom's and the Boss' dialogue just a bit so that what you have going on is spot on and believable for the world you've built.. Just going to take some thought.

 

[IvonV]

Watching Aaron Sorkin's Masterclass, he makes the distinction between plausible impossibility and implausible possibility. His observation (which I believe is attributable to Aristotle) is that audiences will buy the former, but not the latter. The latter will take them out of the story.

So, it's scientifically impossible for something that's built like a human being to fly through the air like Superman without some kind of assistance. But, set it up that Superman is from another planet (Krypton) and that planet is denser than earth and you create some weird plausibility that we buy. On with the superman story.

But, if Superman as Clark Kent is sitting in a restaurant and the guy in the booth next to him happens to be talking to Lex Luthor on his cell phone about their next plot to rule the earth, that's too coincidental for most audiences' taste. It's absolutely possible, but not plausible that Superman would have that lucky of a coincidence. We don't buy the rest of that Superman story as he is able to foil Luthor's plot before it gets off the ground.

I think it would be impossible for a little girl to take on mafia hit men. But, if you set it up that she has weapons skills, it does become plausible -- for a movie.

 

[sfoster]

I think you could rework Mom's and the Boss' dialogue just a bit so that what you have going on is spot on and believable for the world you've built.. Just going to take some thought.

I liked the idea of a mischievous opening line "promise you wont tell your dad" lol but I will kill that baby
now its

Okay Razzle Dazzle. Watch how much worse your aim gets with two guns. Nobody really shoots that way.

nice and simple

There is 1 gun fight indoor and 1 gun fight outdoor.
I really punched up the outdoor gunfight, and now Lily hides behind a car instead of a tree.

This way they can riddle it full of bullets, shoot out the windows and shower our hero in broken glass like a true christmas action movie (die hard)

For anyone late to the thread, here is the update after one week. welcome to the party pal

LilyFire.pdf

drive.google.com

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

Reading it through now... I'll update the post when I'm done.

Okay... Just my two cents:

1) Okay... Passive voice. We've already talked about it so I won't beat the proverbial dead horse. Just know that I've taken Professional screenplays and REMOVED all the passive voice and once that was completed? I didn't have to rewrite a damn thing and I still got paid. LOLOLOLOL. It does make that much difference. For a short? Probably doesn't make a whole lot of difference but still? Passive voice is a bad habit to get into because LEFT unattended? It usually gets worse and worse. Not only that but as I said previously... If this is a script you'll use to recruit others to help you achieve your vision? Always best to make it the BEST possible READ it can be. Hope that makes sense. Anyway... Right off the bat, you're in passive voice with:

MOM is dressed in a red Mrs Claus costume.

2) MOM'S beginning dialogue. I like it.

3) HITMAN and BOSS are dressed in blue clothes in a dark basement. Again... Passive voice.

4) Christmas lights are strung along the edges of the ceiling. Passive voice.

5) A hostage is bound to a chair and gagged. Passive voice.

6) He is dressed in a santa outfit minus the hat and beard. Passive voice.

7) I think you've missed an interesting visual opportunity here:

EXT. LILY’S HOUSE - NIGHT

HITMAN and HITWOMAN approach in blue clothes with masks and
bulletproof vests on. Fresh white snow covers the ground.

LILY (OFFSREEN)
We thank you for this bounty and ask
you help us to walk where Jesus feet
have gone. Grant us the grace to
ever follow on. Amen.

--This is incorrectly formatted... Not a big deal because it's a short that you're shooting yourself but the SCENE takes place OUTSIDE Lily's house and NOT inside so to use LILY (OFFSCREEN) is incorrect. Plus? I think if you format it correctly, and give it a bit of a rewrite, you can take advantage of a visual opportunity here... i.e., to have your audience focus on the footsteps of both HITMAN and HITWOMAN leaving their footprints in the snow as LILY says grace with a voiceover.

Something like this...

HITMAN and HITWOMAN approach the house -- their feet leave
footprints behind in the fresh snow.

LILY (V.O.)
We thank you for this bounty and ask
you help us to walk where Jesus feet
have gone. Grant us the grace to
ever follow on. Amen.

I think LESS might be MORE here...

INT. LILY’S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Mom's phone buzzes -- displays a doorbell camera stream.

DAD
Carolers?

A video of Hitman and Hitwoman with guns. They kick the
front door open.

MOM
Hide Lily! They have guns.

*NOTE: You wrote, "A loud bang as the front door is kicked open." --Passive voice.

9) You wrote: Hitman and Hitwoman walk into the room without masks on. Dad
raises both hands.

--Not understanding why the Hitman and Hitwoman are no longer wearing masks. Seems prudent to me that they would leave them on even though they've broken the outside camera. Why take the chance of an inside camera that could eventually identify them?

10) Redundant. You wrote: Two gunshot ring out in succession from the kitchen.

--Do you really need "in succession" ? It's easily IMPLIED that your two gunshots are in succession since Mom loaded two shells into a double-barrelled shotgun, right?

11) Again... Just a pet peeve of mine. While not technically incorrect, you keep using master location headings throughout the action in Lily's house. The read would go FASTER if you just use secondary location headings and make sure they FLOW. Something like this...

Two gunshots ring out from the

KITCHEN

Dad's corpse lies on the floor -- bullet holes chest and head.

--Then of course, continue on with the rest of your action...

12) Lily is dressed in a sickly looking mustard green, her hair
an ordinary shade of brown. --Passive voice.

13) Not sure you really need Lily stabbing Jane in the chest with a pencil... But that's just a personal call. I think if you just show Lily not being treated that well in the Foster home? It would probably be enough.

14) You wrote:

Lily is dressed in her elf costume with razzmatazz hair.

Lily accesses a hidden safe and fails at the combination. On
the second attempt she is successful.

--Both sentences are Passive voice.

15) Two people are slaughtered helplessly in the hail of bullets. --Passive.

16) Tony shoots out the windows and Lily is showered in broken glass. --Passive.

17) Lily attempts to fire back but she is pinned down as the car is ravaged by a second round of bullets. --Passive.

1 Again, I think LESS might be MORE here:

LILY
Not anymore.

Lily throws the stick at Boss. Boss screams.