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Knock Me Dead first page

dlevanchuk

dlevanchuk

Testing out another opening scene for a short film ;) Yes, I have several of those now, want to nail down the structure ;)

Anyways.. What do you think of this opening scene? I want to introduce the characters, and show protagonist's problem, before setting him off to the quest haha

Title for this short is "Knock Me Dead"
Fantasy/Comedy


Here is the first page.

INT. GARAGE -- DAY

FADE IN:

We see a blueish rope-bruised male hand. Female fingers
delicately grace over the limp hand towards a gold wedding
band.

MAN (O.S.)
Will you marry me?

Fingers shy away and sharp BOLT CUTTER BLADES slide over the
ring finger.

WOMAN (O.S.)
Why?

ALISA, late 20s, hovers above the seated motionless body,
covered with a blood stained bed sheet. She tightly holds on
to the cutters and carefully exams the blades over the
finger.

MARCUS, same age but looks like a small city accountant,
kneels behind her with the open ring box in his hand.

CRAAAACK!!

A blood squirt upward and hits Alisa in the face, as she
casually wipes it off.

Detached digit with the ring slaps the ground, and Marcus
turns pale.

ALISA (O.S.)
I mean, you're a really nice guy,
Marcus. Too nice!

Alisa removes the ring off the limp finger and chucks it over
the shoulder, as it hits Marcus's face, and falls into the
ring box.

Marcus shakes it out of the ring box. Puts the box back into
his pocket.

MARCUS
Would you say "yes" if I've changed?

Alisa laughs looking at Marcus.

ALISA
Do you think you can?



What do you think?





Update: here is the full version ! http://www.indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=37727
 
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I like it.

With it being the opening scene, I'd give it a tiiiiny bit more elaboration.

Play on it a little bit more, maybe her hands are checking for bruises all the way down the arm towards the hand, just to bring us in to it, and a cutaway to her hand reaching for the bolt cutters, this would give Marcus some time to lead up to his proposal, and then when we first see the body in the chair, we should be given a description of this location.

But that's just what I'd do.
 
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I agree with Maralyn. It confused me where and what was taking place. At first I thought she was cutting off Marcus' finger. Then it became clear it was someone else's hand. Were we supposed to assume the person with the ring was dead or alive (but unconscious)? I didn't get a good sense where everyone was spatially.

I also agree with Steve that it's rather macabre. But putting that aside, I don't have a solid sense of these characters or the story. I get a woman is chopping off some guy's ring finger with a milquetoast beside her proposing. You either need to be more direct and upfront with the why in your opening dialogue, or you need to develop the characters more before jumping into the macabre action. As it is, they detract from each other and both seem very pointless to me as a consequence.

He proposes and she dismisses his attempt then we see her snipping off the finger. Or, we see her snip off the finger, collect the ring then he proposes to her and she's dismissive. In either case, s/he should make some comment about the man to suggest the motive, even if that is revealed in more detail later. I'd tie him into events minimally to help gear the audience.

Realize that for a portion of your audience, lumping love with brutality will be like mixing water and oil. If the victim, in some sense, had it coming or is less likeable, it becomes a bit more acceptable. At the moment I don't care for either of them so you seriously risk losing my attention. Sociopathic lovers doesn't really garner my attention. They seem flat and uninterested in each other except in a superficial way. If things don't improve by the second page, I'd probably pass personally.

Unfortunately, that is the power of the first few pages of a script. They can make or break connection with the reader. While you should start off strong, I disagree with the modern trend of making the start totally over the top. Make me care first, then shock/excite/arouse me. You're far more likely to keep my ongoing attention.
 
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FantasySciFi said:
Sociopathic lovers doesn't really garner my attention.
Click to expand...

Natural Born Killers was about sociopathic lovers and it was great! Well I thought so anyway, seems to divide opinion :)

It can be done, but I agree that you need to have some reason not to dislike the characters from the outset. They don't have to be totally sympathetic, but you have to at least warm to them or find them intriguing in some way - it's hard to know where the script would go from here, so it's hard to know how important this would be in the full piece (perhaps these two are the out and out villains, who knows?)

I think it's an interesting idea for an opening scene, but still needs work for sure. A bit hard to visualise the scene from the description (of course may work fine on film, but when reading its a little confusing at least)
 
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Okay...

Would this be a bit better, and more clear? :)

INT. HOUSE GARAGE -- UNKNOWN TIME



FADE IN:

A dim light bulb illuminates a small dark house garage. There
is something in the middle of the garage, tightly wrapped in
a plastic tarp. Its a DEAD BODY.

A rope-bruised hand drops from under the plastic tarp. Blood
drips from the end of it's finger tips.

A slim woman's hand in a leather glove grabs the lifeless
fingers and brings them into the light. A thick golden ring
decorates the finger.

WOMANS' VOICE (O.S.)
Shit, Marcus! I thought you said
you got everything off of him!

The Voice belongs to ALISA, late 20s and attractive. She drops the dead
man's hand, and grabs the BOLT CUTTERS.

ALISA
(quietly)
Do I always have to do everything?

MARCUS, same age and scrawny, hovers nervously behind Alisa
with his hands in his jacket pockets. His foot traces a
bloody knife on the ground.

MARCUS
So... I've been thinking about us
lately--

Alisa carefully positions the cutters above the dead man's
hand.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
And I think that you are an
incredible person--

Marcus takes a deep breath, gets on his knee, and takes out a
small open case. A diamond engagement ring.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Alisa, will you marry me?

CRAAAACK!!

A blood squirt shoots upward and hits Alisa in the face as
she casually wipes it off.

ALISA
No.

A detached digit with the ring hits the ground and Marcus
turns pale.

ALISA (CONT'D)
Don't get me wrong, you're a really
nice guy, Marcus, but I don't think
I'm meant to be with you.

She removes the ring off of the detached finger and tosses it
into an open duffle bag filled with jewelry.

MARCUS
Why not? We are perfect for each
other!

Alisa turns around and tosses the finger at Marcus. It hits
him in the chest and he shudders squeamishly.

ALISA
Do you really think we are? Have
you even stole anything by yourself
in your life?

Alisa turns back to the body, puts on the safety glasses and
starts a chain saw.

Marcus looks down at the diamond ring in the box and sighs.
Click to expand...
 
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Much better. There's a much better sense of the characters and the scene layout. The scene overall has much more flow. The mentions of the body help to take some of the focus from the action and put it more on the dynamics of their relationship. The two of them seem more real.
 
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The revision is a lot stronger and makes it a lot easier to fully take in what is going on and not have to wonder about it, so the reader/viewer can focus on the characters' attitudes towards each other. I feel like they have more depth now as well. I dig this a lot.
 
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Excellent ! Glad you liked it.
I'm finishing the last scene and will start the long road of preproduction wednesday/thursday. I ll have film twitter account, Facebook page and blog to build up a small fan base and other filmmaker nerds to periodically check up on te process
Stay tuned for the social media links!
 
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rev 2 awesome.. I think the blood squirt hitting marcus and a stern look from alisa might say "no" in an interesting way.. I mean a guy, on his knees, with a ring, squirted in the eye with blood just as he proposes.. thats pretty funny\gruesome and sums up the relationship in one image.. dont you think.. ? thats just me though..

also you have the finger in the bag, but then she throws it.. copy \ paste error im sure..

just riffing, for my own fun..

have her throw the finger and ring to marcus first, and he uses that to propose while she cuts off another fat finger and ring..
 
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