character Intorducing OS characters

[wheatgrinder]

Hi,
I have a script where the first we encounter a character that character is an OS dialog. Some of the characters may never be any more than Off Screen.

How to I properly introduce this in a SPEC SCRIPT?

Example:
INT. FARM HOUSE BACK ROOM-EVENING

Jamie is sitting on the piano bench as she finishes turning the page of sheet music. DAN(Male 40) is working on the nearby computer in the same room.

KIM(Female 40) O.S.

Paul! Finish setting the table!.. Rowan? Off the computer! were about to eat dinner!

SICILY(Female 15) O.S.

Mom! Holly is spiting on me!

PAUL(Male 7) O.S.
Ha Ha!

KIM O.S.

Holly! Naughty! Dan!? Can you PLEASE help out!!

Jamie sits, looking over Dan's shoulder as he is reading something technical... after a few moments of no piano music..

KIM O.S.

Jamie, you still have 5 more minutes! Work on that new piece until supper!

Jamie resolutely turns back to the piano...

 

[2001 Productions]

There are any number of ways you could approach this, including what you've done here. I will say, however, as a reader you've already lost me. I've been buried under an avalanche of - by my count - SEVEN characters in the span of half a page, none of whom I know much about, if anything. It's way too much effort to try and keep them straight.

My first question is, whose scene is this? Jamie's? I'm guessing, since her name is not capped and age isn't given, that we've already been introduced to her, and this is her family. If she's the focus, keep her in focus.

I'll do a quick pass on your scene based on my own assumptions to illustrate what I mean. But feel free to ignore any and all of it since I don't know the script.


INT. FARM HOUSE BACK ROOM-EVENING

Jamie practices at the piano, struggling to maintain her focus amidst the clamor of the busy household.

Her father, DAN (40), is working at a nearby computer.

From the kitchen, we hear the voice of her mother, KIM (40):

KIM (O.S.)
Paul! Finish setting the table!.. Rowan? Off the computer! we're about to eat dinner!

Jamie's siblings, SICILY (15) and PAUL (7), can be heard shouting from another room:

SICILY (O.S.)
Mom! Holly is spitting on me!

PAUL (O.S.)
Ha Ha!

KIM (O.S)
Holly! Naughty! Dan?! Can you PLEASE help out?!

Distracted by the ruckus, Jamie glances over her father's shoulder as he reads something technical on the computer screen.

After a few moments of no piano music:

KIM (O.S.)
Jamie, you still have 5 more minutes! Work on that new piece until supper!

Jamie resolutely turns back to the piano...


Not sure if that improves it or not, but it's clearer to me that way.