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critique I would greatly appreciate any and all feedback on this Film Adaptation

I know it's a long script (118!), so thank you to whoever takes the time to read through it (or part of it). Appreciate any and all notes, as well as suggestions on what I should do next!
I've also attached the opening scenes (12 pages) as a separate document for those who don't want to download the whole script.
Thanks again!

The Imposters
Logline: When he is hired by a rich widow to deliver her husband’s eulogy, an actor turned real-life-extra discovers that the circumstances of the man’s death are more complicated than he was led to believe.
 

Attachments

  • The Imposters - Second Draft.pdf
    816 KB · Views: 80
  • The Imposters Opening Scenes.pdf
    116.2 KB · Views: 70
Last edited:

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
The wording of the logline is really awkward

"A struggling actor is hired by a beautiful widow to deliver the eulogy as her husband’s made-up best friend."

I struggled (pun not intended) to grasp it but got it. But that's not the real issue.

Why does he have no friends? How does this play into the story? Surely the film is more than an eulogy. It sounds like a scene. What is the "bigger picture?"
 
Sorry for the delayed response! I realized I pasted in one of my older loglines - I updated it in the OP so please let me know if this one provides a better since of the story (or if it is still unclear).
Thanks so much!
 

mlesemann

Staff Member
Moderator
I read the first 12 pages - it feels rather like a stage play. Aside from some rule-oriented screenwriting issues (always use the present tense in action sequences, not present progressive), it was OK but didn't grab me and make me want to know more.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
Oh okay. The logline is bland. By bland I mean it does not excite me.

"discovers that the circumstances of the man’s death are more complicated than he was led to believe."

Huh? This sounds so dull. Sorry but there's no suspense and it sounds like a suspense genre flick no?
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
This is not perfect but it's something...

Hired by a scheming widow, failed actor Will Power plays the role of his life; the non-existent best friend of her dead rich husband.

It needs tweaking it's not perfect but I threw it up to show you the direction I'd go.
 
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