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I need feedback on my short script [pitch included]

M

Marshall_Tyler

I have started writing a screenplay, and I have a few scenes done so I want to get some feedback on the prologue I wrote. Here's a brief synopsis of the story and a logline for the prologue.

Title: The Forest of the Poor
The Forest of the Poor tells the story of two men incarcerated during investigations into two separate missing persons cases.

Prologue: Charlie is aboard a train headed for the Redding Institute for the Criminally Suspect.
Click to expand...

If you are interested in reading the prologue here is a direct link. The prologue is 7 pages (1 title page + 6 pages) and shouldn't take more than 20 minutes to read.

Thanks for all of your help!
 
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I like this... And how you have ended it creates intrigue into what's coming next.
The aspect that I would consider changing is creating the feeling of time passing, because it seems the train is only in motion for a minute or so until it comes to a stop. Also, the characterization of Charlie could be enhanced... So we feel with more intensity that Charlie needs to get that gas mask- which will urge us to read on to discover his fate.
 
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It sounds like it will be a good action piece. I think all the desks, however, drags it out a bit. I found myself wanting to skip forward ("Another desk? Oi."). Also, I'd drop a hint what this is about. Maybe when he gives his name as Charles Tucker one of the desk workers can look up, eye him, toss out something related to the plot ("The Alberton case." shakes his head, "Effin' scum") There wasn't enough dynamic to Charlie to make him interesting yet. He's far too passive. Hopefully the next five pages involve the reader/viewer more. It has great potential but the start just feels a bit slow for me. The logline(s) you initially presented do not do it justice. As a reviewer, I'd likely pass if I was sent them as a teaser.
Code: 
The Forest of the Poor tells the story of two men incarcerated 
during investigations into two separate missing persons cases.

Prologue: Charlie is aboard a train headed for the Redding Institute 
for the Criminally Suspect.

Something more like, "Two men, imprisoned for their connections to two disappearances, discover the truth while fighting for their survival in the brutal Redding Institute." This, to me, is more intriguing. Good luck and happy holidays.
 
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FantasySciFi said:
It sounds like it will be a good action piece. I think all the desks, however, drags it out a bit. I found myself wanting to skip forward ("Another desk? Oi."). Also, I'd drop a hint what this is about. Maybe when he gives his name as Charles Tucker one of the desk workers can look up, eye him, toss out something related to the plot ("The Alberton case." shakes his head, "Effin' scum") There wasn't enough dynamic to Charlie to make him interesting yet. He's far too passive. Hopefully the next five pages involve the reader/viewer more. It has great potential but the start just feels a bit slow for me. The logline(s) you initially presented do not do it justice. As a reviewer, I'd likely pass if I was sent them as a teaser.

Something more like, "Two men, imprisoned for their connections to two disappearances, discover the truth while fighting for their survival in the brutal Redding Institute." This, to me, is more intriguing. Good luck and happy holidays.
Click to expand...

THank you for your time! I am currently revising and writing a second draft.
 
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