I could use some feedback on my short script. (15 pages)

[Angel Park]

Dear indietalk users,

After a long haitus, I decided to take it upon myself to write my own screenplay to direct. However, as of right now I don't think it's that great, and I want some feedback in order to make it better. I feel as though it starts out okay but loses ground story-wise after the first few pages. I also think that my formatting and description could use some work as well.

LOG-LINE: A pair of siblings must fight for survival and hope in a post-apocalyptic world that has been torn apart by infection.

I don't know if this is the proper way to do this, by my screenplay can be found here: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B2L5pZGjvksnRi1tUzNPNTdjV1U/edit#


I'd appreciate any help you guys could give. I really do want to see this script work out and I'll do anything to make it better.

 

[Angel Park]

P.S Please be honest with your feedback. Any constructive criticism is appreciated.

 

[mus]

I REALLY enjoyed it.... one question though... when they find the bullets in the corpse's pocket... how do they know that the bullets will even work in their gun? (different sizes and models, etc.) especially when the next line makes it clear they've never even used a gun before.

just a question, not so much a criticism

 

[Angel Park]

I REALLY enjoyed it.... one question though... when they find the bullets in the corpse's pocket... how do they know that the bullets will even work in their gun? (different sizes and models, etc.) especially when the next line makes it clear they've never even used a gun before.

just a question, not so much a criticism

Daniel knows how to use a gun, Hanna doesn't. I'll be sure to make that clearer. And thanks for enjoying it! But I was wondering if there was anything at all that bothered you about the script story-wise? Cause I really think it falls off during the 2nd half.

 

[Gogmagog]

Hi,

I read it, overall I enjoyed it. Question, though: is this intended to be a short, or is it the beginning of a longer feature?

Also, page seven shows up as blurry text in Google Docs. I can't read it.

 

[Angel Park]

Hi,

I read it, overall I enjoyed it. Question, though: is this intended to be a short, or is it the beginning of a longer feature?

Also, page seven shows up as blurry text in Google Docs. I can't read it.

It's supposed to be a short, which is why I think the ending is a bit too open. I really wanted to leave a feeling of hope for the two characters and their journey, but in doing so I don't think I wrapped up the story as well as I should. And to be honest I'm really not sure how to fix it :/

As for the blurry page, I'm sorry. Google Docs is a pain to work with so I have no idea what that error is about.

 

[mus]

maybe leave it ambiguous

 

[FantasySciFi]

Every story has two parts--the objective (the story plot we see) and the subjective (the emotional plot we feel). You can keep the objective part "unfinished"--not the end of their journey. You MUST COMPLETE the subjective for the audience to feel content--will they find their parents?.

The easiest fix for your short--though it will be the less appealing for those who like more action oriented stories--is to simply have the man identify himself. The man is silent until they come to a grave on the way back. He explains that he and their father came back from Eden to find them. His father was attacked. He asked to be buried before he became a zombie. He says their mother is well and will be relieved with them returning.

You can work it however you wish. However, the emotional closure--despite the uncertainty of their future trek--is resolved for the short. The objective is about the 'doing', the subjective is about the 'feeling'. When it feels closed, you can end the story. The unfinished 'doing' can lead to the sequel. Good luck with your short.

 

[bird]

Good job, Angel!

Since you asked for suggestions, I have a few:

1) With the threat of both Attackers and 'X' marauders, I wouldn't expect Hanna and Dan to be over-nighting in an open campsite with a lantern. It would make more sense for them to find some sort of shelter and take turns on watch.

2) When Dan is captured...not really clear how this happens. I would assume since they've (Hannah and Dan) been surviving, together, for a period of time, that they'd have figured out some sort of safety protocol where they never leave the other one out of sight. Perhaps having the two of them captured together might be more convincing.

3) I like the open end, makes me interested in their journey to Eden! I think you've got a nice little series, here. You could use each installment to try/learn something new about the filmmaking process.

 

[Gogmagog]

The easiest fix for your short--though it will be the less appealing for those who like more action oriented stories--is to simply have the man identify himself. The man is silent until they come to a grave on the way back. He explains that he and their father came back from Eden to find them. His father was attacked. He asked to be buried before he became a zombie. He says their mother is well and will be relieved with them returning.

You could go for an ultra-dark ending and give some kind of hint that the man who finds them at the end is in fact a zombie/monster

You could also build up a little more to their capture by the gang by making the gang stalk them a bit before it actually happens, maybe do one of those POV shots for the gang members. And regarding the kids' survival methods, it might be easier/more believable to make them more like scavengers, eating out of the trash, etc. I was wondering where they found the food they were eating...

Overall, good job.

 

[Wolverine237]

First of all you have the perfect screenwriter name: Angel Park.

My suggestion will hopefully be helpful to bettering your already well-written screenplay.

EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON

It’s a building that has seen better days. Through one it’s
CRACKED WINDOWS we can catch a glimpse of the SUNLIGHT that
pours inside.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - SAME TIME

The LIGHT illuminates a room that has long since been used.
Debris lies everywhere, and we PAN across until we spot
the HANNA LAWRENCE, 16, a young survivor.

1.)

EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON

It’s a building that has seen better days. Windows broken, rusted, moldy, and dilapidated.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - SAME TIME

SUNLIGHT beams down in shafts through the CRACKED WINDOWS illuminating a room that has long since been used. Debris lies everywhere. Down the CORRIDOR a figure appears in the distance OUT OF FOCUS, tension builds as the figure steps INTO FOCUS and it is:

HANNA LAWRENCE

walking cautiously but focused and searching everywhere, 16, a young survivor. She's wielding a firefighter's AXE.

- I think an axe would make Hanna seem more badass. Just a suggestion.