I Could Use Some Eyes...

[NickClapper]

Delicious.

But the real reason I'm posting is sort of different. A little bit.

I've just finished a first draft of a feature screenplay called The Flight of the Flamingo and, if everything goes well, I'd like to film it this summer. I know it's being ambitious but I figure that we might as well be ambitious and not fanny about the whole time.

Anyhow, I'm not (currently) looking for advice on the production side of things but I am on the writing. So I'd really appreciate it if people gave it a read. I'd love for people to read it all but I appreciate that it might be easier to just read a few pages. I'd appreciate either and all the feedback I can get.

LOGLINE: A group of young society criminals take a dog hostage but when they can't remove it's tracking chip, and armed men start pursuing them, things rapidly get out of control.

It's basically my anti-gritty British gangster movie thesis. Should be darkly funny in places, but it's kind of a road movie with a little bit of social reality and a little bit of wish fulfilment. Romance, violence, mystery, intrigue... a little bit of each of these things.

At the moment it's a bit slight, so I'd appreciate if anyone has any ideas about additional scenes or if, when reading it, anyone feels like a scene could be extended a little. Also if anyone has any ideas how things could be scaled down in order to be easier to shoot on a low budget and short timeframe, that sort of thing is appreciated.

But, yeah, basically I'd like to know what works and what doesn't (in terms of story, lines, characters...etc) and what changes I should make in the next draft.

Cheers and here's the link:

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[Ernest Worthing]

Finally got around to it.

First of all, let me say i like it quite a bit. I can not offer a lot of technical screenplay writing advice but here are my general impressions. I only bring up these issues to have something to say because overall the whole thing was really good.

I was enjoying reading it but i did notice that page 30 had hit without any huge game changing developments that we were aware of. I didnt mind it but as you know attention spans are short these days so if you're taking that into account... perhaps a little more twisting and turning around during key times when audience star to wane?

At times i felt the actions and dialogues of the characters were a little off. For eg, Sebastian is portrayed as a suave young man who can manage difficult situations easily but then when he clearly doesnt want to/have the time to make Lucy breakfast, he acquiesces and can not get out of it to go do what really wants?

Other than those two main things i felt aware of when reading, i liked the script and truly did have a good time reading it. It was an interesting story with interesting characters and i would definitely watch the film. The ending wasnt what i expected but every time that happens, i personally like it. With 90% of the movies, i can see the ending coming so with the other 10%, whether the ending is done well or not, i at least admire it for being different from the norm. Not saying urs wasnt done well, btw.