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How's my script? The Reigns: Year One - The Uprising

D

DevonAero

Hey guy's I'm new here, so if it's against the rules to post something like this I'm sorry. Anyway, this is the third screenplay I've written, and think it's my best, I absolutely love it. If I could get any feedback to improve it, it would be great. Thanks!

Synopsis:
In the nation of Nikkita; a family left without guidance. When their father the emperor died. Or as later revealed. Murdered. It is considered that one of the children murdered their father at angst to overtake the throne. Everything's changing, the ANAS (Advanced Natural Arts Sorcery) they were taught at birth are now irrelevant with the constant changing atmosphere around them. The clan soon finds themselves in the middle of a sibling rivalry among no other.

Tagline:
How can a family become normal when everything's changing?

Link:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/122297470/The-Reigns-Year-One-The-Uprising

I know this is a real long shot, but I wrote it with this cast in mind:

DEVON LOWEN CHANCE as Xtiam (Christiam)

STERLING KNIGHT as Zail

ZAC EFRON as Pirro (Pheonix)

SELENA GOMEZ as Ayla

JAKE T. AUSTIN as Cadan

VICTORIA JUSTICE as Fallon
 
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That sounds like a pretty cool premise. My only issue is the super powers thing. Don't get me wrong. I like super powers, but I also like it when they're rationalized well. Maybe ANAS could be some sort of nano technology that gives them abilities to be "god-like" and maybe Nikkita could be a more futuristic world where everything is planned out to create disparity in social power using these nano bots. Like, only the privledged would have such powers.

But yeah, it sounds pretty cool though. Can't wait to see if it turns into a movie.
 
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Firm1 said:
That sounds like a pretty cool premise. My only issue is the super powers thing. Don't get me wrong. I like super powers, but I also like it when they're rationalized well. Maybe ANAS could be some sort of nano technology that gives them abilities to be "god-like" and maybe Nikkita could be a more futuristic world where everything is planned out to create disparity in social power using these nano bots. Like, only the privledged would have such powers.

But yeah, it sounds pretty cool though. Can't wait to see if it turns into a movie.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the tip, I'll probably end up rewriting it within the next month. Mind if use your idea?
 
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Eegh. Page 3 and I don't know if I can continue reading.

Primary issue #1: You describe 'what', not 'how'. Or rather, you write 'inner' instead of 'outer'. A screenplay describes what is seen on the screen. Page one has this massive list of character attributes, while you only dedicate a single sentence to "The full nation of Nikkita standing by in disbelief as it isstill a shock that their Emperor has fallen".

This is exactly backwards. You need to describe how this is portrayed on the screen, while the characters will have to behave through dialog and body language and action the character attributes you've written. Show don't tell.

Primary issue #2: Your dialog is horrible. I mean that. Flat out bad. You've fallen into the trap of having your characters say exactly what they are thinking and feeling. People don't talk this way. You need to take the dialog you have and make that the subtext of the dialog, not the actual words they speak.

I'll try to keep reading to see if I can give any critiques on the story itself, but I can see already that you need to sit down and start a ground-zero rewrite. Show, don't tell. How, not what. Outer, not inner. You know what you need to communicate to the audience, so rewrite the screenplay so it describes exactly how you're going to communicate these things to the audience -- all they'll ever know is what they see on the screen and hear on the audio track. Nothing else should be in the script.
 
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escher said:
Eegh. Page 3 and I don't know if I can continue reading.

Primary issue #1: You describe 'what', not 'how'. Or rather, you write 'inner' instead of 'outer'. A screenplay describes what is seen on the screen. Page one has this massive list of character attributes, while you only dedicate a single sentence to "The full nation of Nikkita standing by in disbelief as it isstill a shock that their Emperor has fallen".

This is exactly backwards. You need to describe how this is portrayed on the screen, while the characters will have to behave through dialog and body language and action the character attributes you've written. Show don't tell.

Primary issue #2: Your dialog is horrible. I mean that. Flat out bad. You've fallen into the trap of having your characters say exactly what they are thinking and feeling. People don't talk this way. You need to take the dialog you have and make that the subtext of the dialog, not the actual words they speak.

I'll try to keep reading to see if I can give any critiques on the story itself, but I can see already that you need to sit down and start a ground-zero rewrite. Show, don't tell. How, not what. Outer, not inner. You know what you need to communicate to the audience, so rewrite the screenplay so it describes exactly how you're going to communicate these things to the audience -- all they'll ever know is what they see on the screen and hear on the audio track. Nothing else should be in the script.
Click to expand...

Thanks for checking it out, I'll be rewriting it when I have some free time next month. And thanks for continuing to read, if you spot anything else let me know.
 
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I agree with Escher... No offense, but perhaps you could take a class on scriptwriting? It could be worse but it's plagued with all those things Escher pointed out. I couldn't stand your punctuation, it read like something I wrote when I was thirteen. Is English your first language?
 
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THWriter said:
I agree with Escher... No offense, but perhaps you could take a class on scriptwriting? It could be worse but it's plagued with all those things Escher pointed out. I couldn't stand your punctuation, it read like something I wrote when I was thirteen. Is English your first language?
Click to expand...

Yeah, this is pretty much the rough draft. I plan on revising it next month.
 
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I made it to page 30 and can't go on any further. This script is horrible in just about every way. The characters aren't really characters, they're juvenile cartoons. There's no story to speak of, nothing interesting happens, and the dialog is making my ears bleed.

You need to sit down, actually figure out a story and some real characters, and start with that. Step 1 in becoming a better writer is recognizing the bad and not being afraid of throwing it out.
 
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escher said:
I made it to page 30 and can't go on any further. This script is horrible in just about every way. The characters aren't really characters, they're juvenile cartoons. There's no story to speak of, nothing interesting happens, and the dialog is making my ears bleed.

You need to sit down, actually figure out a story and some real characters, and start with that. Step 1 in becoming a better writer is recognizing the bad and not being afraid of throwing it out.
Click to expand...

Thanks for making it to page 30, I'll try rewriting it if nothing, I'll scrap it.
 
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Save The Cat by Blake Snyder is a great recommended read, too.

I pretty much agree with everyone's comments on the dialogue so far, fwiw. Keep at it, though. Scripts can get refined for years on end, in that elusive quest for perfection. :)
 
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Yep. My first stab at a script was horrible in a different way. After hammering away it it for months, suddenly something just clicked and all of a sudden I was able to write screenplays well. Night-and-day difference.
 
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No, but I do send fragments to people who are curious. PM me your e-mail and I'll sling some stuff your way.

I do have a short script I wrote that anyone is free to use (if I get a screenwriting credit), but I wrote it in a single sitting (and a quick revision the next day) so it's not the greatest quality. I'm attaching it here so you can see. It's got some minorly-okay character work and should serve as a good example of the sort of things you should be putting in a screenplay (and by omission, the things you'll want to leave out).
 

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