How's my dialog?

[harmonica44]

Here's an example from my last script. Is it good, cheesy, realistic? Thanks.

EXT. MARTIAL ARTS CENTER -- ACROSS THE STREET -- DAY

TWO PIMPS are standing across the street with sunglasses and their arms rested, looking tough. One of the martial arts students, CRAIG, 19, and Erica walk over to them, and her in her electric wheelchair.

PIMP #1
What do you want?

ERICA
How much for one.

PIMP #2
For you? Hundred dollars.

ERICA
We'll take twenty percent of your earnings.

PIMP #1
What?

ERICA
Ever since you moved in you've been diminishing our business. Less people come here with people like you around. You wanna make money, and take ours away. The cost goes up. Twenty percent. Or we'll run you out of here.

PIMP #1
Fuck you, bitch.

ERICA
(to Craig)
How much does a pimp make a week based on your knowledge.

PIMP #1
About four thousand.

ERICA
(adds it in her head)
That's about eight hundred a week for us. Give him a down payment, whatever you have on you.

CRAIG
And don't make it difficult for yourselves.

PIMP #1
Who do you think you're dealin' with?

Craig points a switchblade knife at them. Two other martial arts students block them from behind with their fists, in stances.

CRAIG
Give us your money. Now!

PIMP #1
(pulls out wallet)
Okay, okay.
(to Pimp #2)
They're serious. Give it to him.

Pimp #2 does so. They take their credit cards and licenses from the wallets.

CRAIG
Don't try anything. We'll give them back to you when we get the rest of our money.

They give them hateful looks and look to Erica.

ERICA
What are you going to do, call the cops...

CRAIG
Go on, beat it!

ERICA
We're just taking our cut. Then we'll give it back.

The pimps leave at the sign of Craig's forceful knife and they walk away.

ERICA
Now, see if we can use it in the ATM.

 

[arrodiii]

Yeah I get what you're saying, the judge explains to much. The reason why I wrote it like that is so the audience would better understand what he is talking about. If he said it like that the audience might not comprehend what technically legally went wrong, perhaps? How do I over explain for the audience's understanding and make it sound good?

Which section of the Judge are you referring to?

 

[harmonica44]

Well how he went into more depth about probable cause works. Normally the lawyers would know how it works, not need to have it explained to them like so. But a lot of the audience may not know.

 

[arrodiii]

It was a traffic violation but the cop decided to search the car, just because she could, found evidence of a crime, but the evidence got thrown out cause the search was illegal.

I understand that whatever was found was illegal, but that also means that new charges, in addition to the traffic violation, were also brought up against the defendant. This is the charge that the judge is dismissing and is causing a commotion - was a dead body found, 500 lbs of an illegal substance, paraphanalia, a shipment of knock-off merchandise? I mean, I guess I just am wondering what kind of evidence was seized and what kind of charge would be held against someone and cause such a ruckus amongst the people in the galley and enough to have the Prosecutor blurt out that he believes the Judge should reconsider. If it is that important to the Prosecutor, I am sure that he can appeal and make this subplot a lot longer.

 

[harmonica44]

Well I don't want the subplot to be longer though. I mean, in Dirty Harry there was no appeal for example, and the plot just moved forward. I don't want to get into what was found cause it's a surprise twist, and would have to give to much away to explain it.

 

[harmonica44]

It's bad though if my dialog sounds like a 60s dubbed martial arts film, as one of you said. Perhaps I should buy a screenwriting book or something that focuses more on the dialog specifically.

 

[chilipie]

It's bad though if my dialog sounds like a 60s dubbed martial arts film, as one of you said. Perhaps I should buy a screenwriting book or something that focuses more on the dialog specifically.

That may well help, but there isn't a magic bullet to make you brilliant at it. Hard work and experience will get you there.

 

[harmonica44]

For sure. I met some people in the business though, and they are more experienced than me. I think they are looking for to me to show some of my work, or bring something to the table. Out of my scripts, this is the one I rewrote the most, and it's the only one so far, where the plot is actually perfected and finished. So should I show them this one and warn them that the dialogue needs work, or will the bad dialogue make a bad impression, and I should keep telling them to hold on, till I have finally perfected it?

 

[CHamburger]

Dude, if you want great dialogue examples, read (solely for dialogue-ical?? purposes) Samuel Beckett's "Waiting For Godot". with dialogue you want to have whats actually happening, teh reasons to your rhymes, to come out through the character's voice, whatever their voice may be. No one in real life fully ever explains themselves even in the court room setting. There's always varying emotion behind dialogue, but emoton nonetheless. You need to focus on each individual character and ask yourself "what would they say here?" "How would they respond to that?" etc. Personally when I am thinking of a story, I try to rid it of potential plotholes before I even began writing something substantial. Little things like "sustained", the appearance of two martial arts students suddenly behind teh pimps, the pimps openness about there "job", the agressive nature of Erica(she's in a wheelchair, extorting pimps for the first time, I'm sure she should be a little bit apprehensive, not sure what to expect from teh situation). I think its good and sounds like it could develop into a cool story, just try to keep the open questions an audience will ask each other to a minimum, focus on the characters' individual voices doing the revealing rather than forcing information to present itself through dialogue, put them in the situation and see how THEY'D speak not just for the sake of story but for the sake of themselves.

 

[arrodiii]

Well I don't want the subplot to be longer though. I mean, in Dirty Harry there was no appeal for example, and the plot just moved forward. I don't want to get into what was found cause it's a surprise twist, and would have to give to much away to explain it.

Well if you don't want the subplot to be longer, don't make it longer or allude to it. I wouldn't have the commotion started in the galley or have the prosecutor blurt out a quick oral request for reconsideration. Just have the judge enter his ruling and maybe cut to a quick scene of him banging his gavel and then cut to the next scene

 

[harmonica44]

Okay thanks. The reason why Erica is in a wheelchair, and uses crutches at other times, is because normally when villains take hostages they would cuff them, even while they are under watch. However when they take her hostage and watch her, they don't cuff her since, she can't walk much. So this gives a better reason for her to be cuffed, yet still have her hands free. At least that's the way I saw it while writing the story, and decided to make her disabled to make the villain's negligence more convincing.


I thought I weeded out all the plot holes, though, for the characters, and when they speak, or at least I thought I did. There are times when a character would have to say something, they might not actually or behave in a way they may not seemingly behave, for the sake of the story though. Would you agree?

 

[harmonica44]

Well if you don't want the subplot to be longer, don't make it longer or allude to it. I wouldn't have the commotion started in the galley or have the prosecutor blurt out a quick oral request for reconsideration. Just have the judge enter his ruling and maybe cut to a quick scene of him banging his gavel and then cut to the next scene

What do you mean by started in the galley in this case? What about movies like Dirty Harry though. In that one the prosecutor had to spell it out to Harry, as to what Harry legally did wrong, just so the audience would get it. Did Dirty Harry overexplain in it's dialogue and that was not necessary? And if explanations are necessary for the audience to get it, how does a character explain it, without it seeming out of character?

 

[Jamster]

H44, you asked a question and here's my opinion.

!. Stilted unrealistic dialogue.
2. Cheesy needs several drafts.
3. Too 'on the nose' - without subtext.


As for a first attempt - not bad BUT you're attempting to write about stuff which needs a lot of research' (or life experience) - which doesn't come through.

That's not to slate or patronise you because I know you're not that old and I really do admire your drive and ambition - however, I sincerely believe that in order to get this up to a level which you want to achieve with the $50k previously mentioned, you really have to immerse yourself in several screenwriting books for several months at least, and incorporate into future drafts.

At which point I am sure the story will be in much better shape to produce said $50k movie.

Case in point, asking on another thread whether 'story' is really that important when making a short, speaks volumes as to just how much you really need to grasp in order to progress.

Again H, I'm not saying this to piss on your parade or slag you off but until you understand even the basics all you'll end up doing is blowing $50k on something which you'll absolutely hate a couple of years down the line.

I hope you take this in the manner intended, if not I apologise and wish you well going forward - respectfully, Jim.

 

[harmonica44]

This isn't the 50k script I wanna shoot. That one I'm still working on. This is one I'm keeping in the back drawer for now, and either wanna sell or pitch later. I actually did months of research for it. Not so much in that courtroom scenario, but a lot of research with police procedure, and forensics.