How's my dialog?

[harmonica44]

Here's an example from my last script. Is it good, cheesy, realistic? Thanks.

EXT. MARTIAL ARTS CENTER -- ACROSS THE STREET -- DAY

TWO PIMPS are standing across the street with sunglasses and their arms rested, looking tough. One of the martial arts students, CRAIG, 19, and Erica walk over to them, and her in her electric wheelchair.

PIMP #1
What do you want?

ERICA
How much for one.

PIMP #2
For you? Hundred dollars.

ERICA
We'll take twenty percent of your earnings.

PIMP #1
What?

ERICA
Ever since you moved in you've been diminishing our business. Less people come here with people like you around. You wanna make money, and take ours away. The cost goes up. Twenty percent. Or we'll run you out of here.

PIMP #1
Fuck you, bitch.

ERICA
(to Craig)
How much does a pimp make a week based on your knowledge.

PIMP #1
About four thousand.

ERICA
(adds it in her head)
That's about eight hundred a week for us. Give him a down payment, whatever you have on you.

CRAIG
And don't make it difficult for yourselves.

PIMP #1
Who do you think you're dealin' with?

Craig points a switchblade knife at them. Two other martial arts students block them from behind with their fists, in stances.

CRAIG
Give us your money. Now!

PIMP #1
(pulls out wallet)
Okay, okay.
(to Pimp #2)
They're serious. Give it to him.

Pimp #2 does so. They take their credit cards and licenses from the wallets.

CRAIG
Don't try anything. We'll give them back to you when we get the rest of our money.

They give them hateful looks and look to Erica.

ERICA
What are you going to do, call the cops...

CRAIG
Go on, beat it!

ERICA
We're just taking our cut. Then we'll give it back.

The pimps leave at the sign of Craig's forceful knife and they walk away.

ERICA
Now, see if we can use it in the ATM.

 

[Beatlesfan1225]

Ok to start off I am by no means a fantastic writer, but I thought I'd just give my 2 cents of one thing that just jumped out at me.

It looks really really good I think, but when Erika says "you've been diminishing our business", the word "diminishing" just sounds odd in the sentence, maybe something a bit more natural like "you've been taking our business"... I could be wrong, that specific word just popped out at me. I do like it though, your a good writer.

 

[harmonica44]

Yeah I thought so too, but I like using not so common words once in a while to make it a tad different than average. But I don't want it to come off cheesy or unconvincing.

 

[Aaron M]

I'll preface this the same as beatlesfan - I'm by no means any kind of professional or expert - so take it with a grain of salt.


"How much for one?" - one what? As far as I know Pimps generally sell sex, and I would imagine by the act. (at least that's what hollywood leads me to believe - I don't actually have any first hand experience. heh.)


Not sure why she asks "how much for one?" if she's just going to demand twenty percent and then later ask about weekly profits.

"The cost goes up" - cost goes up from what? Cost of what?

"Diminished" works because she later says "based on your knowledge" and "earnings" - which are both a little awkward in their properness. It makes the character feel bookish, socially awkward. Which works if that's who you intend her to be?

"We'll give them back to you when we get the rest of our money" - makes sense after I re-read it and realized they were asking for a down payment on a weekly cut.. You might have the shake-down explained a bit more so that that bit of dialogue is clearer.

"We're just taking our cut, then we'll give it back." - that contradicts what craig said. that might work if the encounter was spontaneous - if it was planned in anyway I don't know that it would work..


Realism is difficult because in real life people say awkward things and things that don't necessarily make perfect sense... hollywood naturalism tends to have characters always say exactly what they mean (unless it's a character device)

It's difficult to say out of context if it's natural for the characters or not. I'd say the most important part of writing dialogue is consistency.

Overall it's a start. Do another draft. And then another. And another. Read it to yourself out loud or to a friend (if you have a friend that will help you out). If you're going to shoot it - than do table readings and take suggestions to heart.


Stuff you didn't ask for:

The scene is a bit cheesy the way it's described (tough guys with sun-glasses and arms folded)- but the dynamic and play on expectations is fun to watch unfold.

The descriptions and actions are a bit awkward and/or unclear.

 

[harmonica44]

Well Erica and Craig are trying to blackmail money out of the pimps, since the pimps are diminishing their business by being in the neighborhood, and driving away the customers, of the other businesses. So when she says the cost goes up, she is telling the pimps that they will have to pay them a percentage for the money their business has to lost, since they moved into the street and started pimping. I could word it differently if it doesn't make enough sense.

 

[Beatlesfan1225]

Aaron makes a great point, just keep writing. I rewrote the first 10 pages of my new script 5 times now, and I still feel I can do better. It takes a LOT of time.

 

[Aaron M]

I understood the scene.

What I meant is if that's their first encounter (which the reactions of the pimps lead me to believe) than the cost wouldn't be going up. There would have to be a cost in the first place in order for it to go up..

 

[harmonica44]

This is actually a subplot I recently added so it's not near as rewritten as the other parts. Here are two much older scenes.

Everyone sits as the judge holds up a file.

JUDGE
(to defense attorney)
Counselor, I have your motion to dismiss for the officer having no probable cause to search.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY
Yes, you're honor.

JUDGE
Sustained. It was a speeding violation, which the officer did not handle properly, and the search yielded no probable cause. The search was illegal. The evidence found is inadmissible and the charges against the defendant are dismissed.

Everyone in court speaks to one another about what's happening as the prosecutor quickly jumps up.

PROSECUTOR
You're honor, I would ask that you reconsider the motion.

JUDGE
I can not. I have followed the letter of the law in other cases, and I will be hypocrite if differently here. Not only to myself but to the law as well. We are adjured.

here's another one:

ALONZO
Those cops tried to fuck me up after I got out.

HENDERSON
We're not cops! Those cops were working for us. Dirty work. That doesn't mean we're cops. We came cause we want our money back.

ALONZO
I don't have it. How do I know you're not cops? What'd you come here for?

PETER
(puts down the bag)
There's thirty thousand dollars in there. I'm paying you to leave me alone. If you let me go there's ten thousand more, to never see me again.

ALONZO
Tempting. How do I know you guys aren't cops? Why did you bring them?

PETER
They want their money back. The bag that you took.

 

[harmonica44]

I understood the scene.

What I meant is if that's their first encounter (which the reactions of the pimps lead me to believe) than the cost wouldn't be going up. There would have to be a cost in the first place in order for it to go up..

Yes it's their first encounter. I will take out that go up line then.

 

[Aaron M]

I think you forgot to type a word or two in something the Judge says, and I have no Idea who Peter is talking to or what kind of Character Henderson is - but other than that, those both read pretty well.

Browsing these forums has inspired me to write a treatment that I'll post when it's ready - then you can have a wack at judging me. Seems only fair, huh?

Keep it up!

 

[harmonica44]

It's hard to tell since I know exactly what the characters are talking about, as with the judge in that case. And yeah you would have to read the whole thing to get Henderson, but that's okay, I am just looking to see how the dialog reads. I will get it proofread by others, now since I have added a few scenes since, but am always welcoming anyone's opinion of course. Thanks.

 

[mad_hatter]

You’ve asked for a critique of your dialogue, but I’ll mention a few other points too.


One of the martial arts students, CRAIG, 19, and Erica walk over to them, and her in her electric wheelchair.

This doesn’t really make sense. I get it, but it could be easier to read. How about “CRAIG, 19, a martial arts student, approaches the pimps, accompanied by Erica, in her electric wheelchair.” I assume we’ve already been introduced to Erica, so actually mentioning the fact that she’s in a wheelchair probably isn’t necessary here, we already know this.



PIMP #1
What do you want?

ERICA
How much for one.

PIMP #2
For you? Hundred dollars.

One = a hooker, I assume? Would a pimp really answer that question to these two people? If I were a pimp (which I’m not, just so we’re clear), I’d think “Why would a 19-year-old kid and a disabled woman want to buy the services of a hooker? They must be cops.” And I’d answer the question: “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about. Fuck off.” If you were to have a back-and-forth between these people, it would add to the realism. Have Craig and Erica try to convince the pimps that they’re not officers of the law.



ERICA
We'll take twenty percent of your earnings.

This doesn’t feel right, it just comes out of the blue. Erica needs to explain herself more.



ERICA
(to Craig)
How much does a pimp make a week based on your knowledge.

PIMP #1
About four thousand.

Should Pimp #1 actually be Craig? It’s not clear, it seems as if the pimp is diving in with the answer to Erica’s question. Perhaps naming the pimps would help us keep track?



CRAIG
Go on, beat it!

This does feel cheesy to me. The guy’s just pulled a knife on two pimps! I think he’d say something a little less childish than “Beat it!”.



Obviously I don’t know enough about these characters, they’re yours, not mine. But, from this short scene, I can’t picture these characters as being realistic. Would a martial arts student and a woman in a wheelchair really be trying to mug a pair of pimps? Would the pimps just happily accept this? Wouldn’t they just pull out their .54’s and pop a cap in their asses?



I can’t really comment on the next two scenes, they’re too short to get a feel for anything. All I’ll say is that the courtroom scene could be alright, I don’t know, but it sounds like the sort of thing I’d expect to hear in a courtroom. The next scene makes no sense at all to me, but I do feel the word “COPS” is used far too often.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Is this for you to shoot? If so, the dialogue is fine. If not, if you want someone else to shoot this, it needs lots of work. It reminds me of a badly dubbed martial arts movie from the 60s. Which may be good or bad depending on your taste. An acid test for script dialogue is that I should be able to take out the dialogue from a scene as written and still have a good sense of what is happening. In your first example that would be:

EXT. MARTIAL ARTS CENTER -- ACROSS THE STREET -- DAY

TWO 'men' are standing across the street with sunglasses and 
their arms rested, looking tough. One of the martial arts students, 
CRAIG, 19, and Erica walk over to them, and her in her electric 
wheelchair.

Craig points a switchblade knife at them. Two other martial arts 
students block them from behind with their fists, in stances.

'Man' does so. They take their credit cards and licenses from 
the wallets.

They give them hateful looks and look to Erica.

The 'men' leave at the sign of Craig's forceful knife and they walk 
away.

Looks like a hold-up scene to me. How do we know they are pimps as opposed to drug dealers? Most of the pimps have the prostitutes do the walking. They'd rather be off so they can't be linked to the walkers if they're picked up. Even drug dealers are more clandestine. I mean in sunglasses looking tough, didn't they think maybe these are cops/federal agents keeping them under surveillance? Where did the two other martial arts students come from?

So a legitimate business (martial arts academy) is concerned about an illegal business (prostitution/loitering). So instead of calling the police, they go and rob the men on the street (committing a clearly illegal act) in broad daylight then threaten them (coercion and extortion). And you don't see a problem with this? Trust me, the dialogue is the least of your worries.

 

[DeJager]

So a legitimate business (martial arts academy) is concerned about an illegal business (prostitution/loitering). So instead of calling the police, they go and rob the men on the street (committing a clearly illegal act) in broad daylight then threaten them (coercion and extortion). And you don't see a problem with this? Trust me, the dialogue is the least of your worries.

Maybe they tried calling the cops in the past and the cops wouldn't do anything about it? Now the martial arts students have turned to vigilante justice.

 

[arrodiii]

Let me preface by saying that I am not a professional writer so feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt. Also, I'll just focus on the court scene.

Everyone sits as the judge holds up a file.

Can probably say the judge sits and reviews a file. The way I read it it sounds as if he is holding a file in front of his face.

JUDGE
(to defense attorney)
Counselor, I have your motion to dismiss for the officer having no probable cause to search.

To search what? You can leave that part out here. Also, usually in real life the parties to a suit bring extra copies of their motions, responses, etc. to hand to the Court during the hearing.

JUDGE
Sustained. It was a speeding violation, which the officer did not handle properly, and the search yielded no probable cause. The search was illegal. The evidence found is inadmissible and the charges against the defendant are dismissed.

A judge will not say "sustained" for a motion. He will simply state that the motion is granted. The whole part about him speaking about the motion can be done by the defense attorney as he attempts to persuade the Judge.

If you plan on using the evidence portion, rewrite it to something like:

After reviewing the briefs and case law, I find that the search was illegal and the evidence gathered from the tainted search is hereby tainted as well, and thus inadmissable as a result. Therefore, I order that the charges against the defendant (or better yet the name of the defendant) are hereby dismissed.

Everyone in court speaks to one another about what's happening as the prosecutor quickly jumps up.

PROSECUTOR
You're honor, I would ask that you reconsider the motion.

JUDGE
I can not. I have followed the letter of the law in other cases, and I will be hypocrite if differently here. Not only to myself but to the law as well. We are adjured.

What kind of a charge prompted this? It seems like a lot of commotion is stirred by what reads as a simple traffic violation. Also, the Judges lines don't sound normal or right. I mean I understand what you are trying to have the Judge to convey, but Judges are very articulate people and this doesn't sound like a Judge that has an ease of the language. Oh, and "You're" should be "Your" and "adjured" should be "adjourned".

Anyways, just my .02.

 

[harmonica44]

Maybe they tried calling the cops in the past and the cops wouldn't do anything about it? Now the martial arts students have turned to vigilante justice.

Yes this is what happened. And they explain to the pimps that they are extorting a percentage off of them, not robbing them. I guess they could have done the hold up with no dialogue, but then the audience would not have understood the characters motivations for the hold up. They might not understand exactly why they are extorting money off of them, especially since it's the first scene with the pimps. Kinda like how in say, Scream 2 after the killers were unmasked, they had to give a whole explanation as to what they were doing just so the audience would understand it. Or how in The Hunt For Red October, a submarine crew member had to explain how to bypass a enemy subs sonar, even though the other crew member probably would have known that. They only explained it so the audience would get it.

I could have the hold up with no dialogue though, and may still be able to make it work. Thanks that might be a good idea, if I explain it in another scene. But then she won't get to use 'diminish'. lol jk, I don't need that.

 

[harmonica44]

You’ve asked for a critique of your dialogue, but I’ll mention a few other points too.


One of the martial arts students, CRAIG, 19, and Erica walk over to them, and her in her electric wheelchair.

This doesn’t really make sense. I get it, but it could be easier to read. How about “CRAIG, 19, a martial arts student, approaches the pimps, accompanied by Erica, in her electric wheelchair.” I assume we’ve already been introduced to Erica, so actually mentioning the fact that she’s in a wheelchair probably isn’t necessary here, we already know this.



PIMP #1
What do you want?

ERICA
How much for one.

PIMP #2
For you? Hundred dollars.

One = a hooker, I assume? Would a pimp really answer that question to these two people? If I were a pimp (which I’m not, just so we’re clear), I’d think “Why would a 19-year-old kid and a disabled woman want to buy the services of a hooker? They must be cops.” And I’d answer the question: “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about. Fuck off.” If you were to have a back-and-forth between these people, it would add to the realism. Have Craig and Erica try to convince the pimps that they’re not officers of the law.



ERICA
We'll take twenty percent of your earnings.

This doesn’t feel right, it just comes out of the blue. Erica needs to explain herself more.



ERICA
(to Craig)
How much does a pimp make a week based on your knowledge.

PIMP #1
About four thousand.

Should Pimp #1 actually be Craig? It’s not clear, it seems as if the pimp is diving in with the answer to Erica’s question. Perhaps naming the pimps would help us keep track?



CRAIG
Go on, beat it!

This does feel cheesy to me. The guy’s just pulled a knife on two pimps! I think he’d say something a little less childish than “Beat it!”.



Obviously I don’t know enough about these characters, they’re yours, not mine. But, from this short scene, I can’t picture these characters as being realistic. Would a martial arts student and a woman in a wheelchair really be trying to mug a pair of pimps? Would the pimps just happily accept this? Wouldn’t they just pull out their .54’s and pop a cap in their asses?



I can’t really comment on the next two scenes, they’re too short to get a feel for anything. All I’ll say is that the courtroom scene could be alright, I don’t know, but it sounds like the sort of thing I’d expect to hear in a courtroom. The next scene makes no sense at all to me, but I do feel the word “COPS” is used far too often.

Well the pimps have seen them around so they know they work in the building on that street. The reason why I specified electric wheelchair is because she can use crutches at times, and there are scenes where she does. Especially the scenes when she is forced to fight for her life.

 

[harmonica44]

Yeah I get what you're saying, the judge explains to much. The reason why I wrote it like that is so the audience would better understand what he is talking about. If he said it like that the audience might not comprehend what technically legally went wrong, perhaps? How do I over explain for the audience's understanding and make it sound good?

 

[harmonica44]

ok okay thanks.

 

[harmonica44]

What kind of a charge prompted this? It seems like a lot of commotion is stirred by what reads as a simple traffic violation. Also, the Judges lines don't sound normal or right. I mean I understand what you are trying to have the Judge to convey, but Judges are very articulate people and this doesn't sound like a Judge that has an ease of the language. Oh, and "You're" should be "Your" and "adjured" should be "adjourned".

Anyways, just my .02.

It was a traffic violation but the cop decided to search the car, just because she could, found evidence of a crime, but the evidence got thrown out cause the search was illegal.