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critique High-Octane Thrill-Ride, but grounded in reality. Feedback welcome.

R

Rick_Leuce

Hello,
There's so much I want to say, but I don't want to overwhelm everyone with large blocks of text. If there is interest, I will happily provide more information. I am open-minded and welcome constructive criticism.

Frederick L. Raleigh is a young and naive college graduate who still lives with his parents and works for the family business but doesn't drive his own car. One day, Fred's uncle in another state passes away and his next-of-kin are throwing out or selling all of his old possessions since the uncle never made a will. Among these possessions are old project cars, many of which are not in running condition or are not particularly valuable, so the uncle's immediate family wants them all hauled off. Fred makes a deal with his aunt to buy one of the cars (an old Ford Thunderbird) over the phone, so he scrapes together the money he needs and makes travel arrangements. To his dismay, Fred discovers that his aunt forgot about their deal and the car he wanted to buy had been hauled to a scrapyard mere hours before he arrived to purchase it. Even though Fred tracks down the junkyard that has the car, he is unable to persuade the man in charge to sell him the car since it has already been "entered into the system" and thus, wasn't worth the aggravation. The vehicle will certainly be crushed in less than 48 hours.

Emotionally compromised, Fred steals the car under the cover of darkness and retreats to his home state. One thing leads to another, and Fred finds himself living a double life where he hides the fact that he stole the car from his friends and immediate family while he is constantly on the run from the police who are closing in on him. So, Fred is forced to move out and ends up working various odd jobs in small towns where nobody knows (or cares) that he may have stolen his daily driver. Fred basically lives out of a suitcase and sleeps in the back seat of his car, since he can't afford an apartment. Eventually, Fred accidentally sees something he wasn't supposed to, and he winds up forming an uneasy alliance with an unsavory group of organized criminals who heavily compensate Fred (and let him live) in exchange for his driving services. All the while, parts on the Thunderbird keep wearing out and Fred pours nearly all his money into keeping it running until he can figure out a plan to get himself out of the massive hole that he dug for himself.

I can keep going, but I want to hold back and give people a chance to ask questions and to critique what the first two episodes of my series are essentially.
The series will heavily revolve around the Thunderbird and will hopefully appeal to car guys.
Thanks for reading.
-Rick Leuce
 
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Honestly, the second revision has even less logic, so I'd stop here. Seeing painful to read your ways to justify illogical car theft and all what follows, I'd recommend you a simple way around it, just a sample, so please, never mind it. It is just a suggestion.

Intro

Fred can't find a job after straight A graduation, and almost lost all hopes for a decent job. He has to repay student loans, economy is in bad shape and a largest employer in the town had been just closed. (Shots of closed factory doors, people lining up for unemployment benefits, Fred receiving rejected applications and calls which start with "sorry"). Fred is tired and stressed. There is one opening at car dealership at neighboring town, where his uncle lives. Fred sends his application there for a marketing manager position.

The next day, Fred wakes up and learns that his beloved uncle passed and left him his old car, which Fred loved as a child. Fred spent few years at his uncle's home, but after he grew up, he gradually lost his touch with uncle and nearly forgot him. Uncle Bob was one who raised Fred. Uncle Bob used to work at the car dealership, for which Fred is applying now.

Fred drives the uncle's car to a job interview and, while driving, recalls the happy summer days he spent with his kind uncle at his home.

He recalls how uncle taught him to be honest and hard working man. Still remembering uncle's worlds, Fred arrives at interview, where the dealership manager asks him what he will do if he finds a faulty product at a company store. Fred stops for a second, then suddenly recalls his uncle, who was proud that he never sold a bad lemon to a customer.

Fred says: "I will not sell it".

The manager says: "Imagine, you gotta to sell it to make your daily quota".

Fred recalls uncle's words and says: "I'd prefer to lose my job than sell a faulty product".
Manager: you're hired son..I remember those words. We had a great dealer, who used to say this line.

Fred is happy, leaving the store. He signs the contract. Still holding the contract, Fred sits on a bench, thinks "Uncle Bob, I now have your job" and only now fully realizes that his beloved uncle is dead. Fred calls to his family and informs them about his new job. Suddenly, Fred cries.

(Well, something like that. Fred has his uncle's car, that's the proposed solution).
 
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StoneJack said:
Honestly, the second revision has even less logic, so I'd stop here. Seeing painful to read your ways to justify illogical car theft and all what follows, I'd recommend you a simple way around it, just a sample, so please, never mind it. It is just a suggestion.

Intro

Fred can't find a job after straight A graduation, and almost lost all hopes for a decent job. He has to repay student loans, economy is in bad shape and a largest employer in the town had been just closed. (Shots of closed factory doors, people lining up for unemployment benefits, Fred receiving rejected applications and calls which start with "sorry"). Fred is tired and stressed. There is one opening at car dealership at neighboring town, where his uncle lives. Fred sends his application there for a marketing manager position.

The next day, Fred wakes up and learns that his beloved uncle passed and left him his old car, which Fred loved as a child. Fred spent few years at his uncle's home, but after he grew up, he gradually lost his touch with uncle and nearly forgot him. Uncle Bob was one who raised Fred. Uncle Bob used to work at the car dealership, for which Fred is applying now.

Fred drives the uncle's car to a job interview and, while driving, recalls the happy summer days he spent with his kind uncle at his home.

He recalls how uncle taught him to be honest and hard working man. Still remembering uncle's worlds, Fred arrives at interview, where the dealership manager asks him what he will do if he finds a faulty product at a company store. Fred stops for a second, then suddenly recalls his uncle, who was proud that he never sold a bad lemon to a customer.

Fred says: "I will not sell it".

The manager says: "Imagine, you gotta to sell it to make your daily quota".

Fred recalls uncle's words and says: "I'd prefer to lose my job than sell a faulty product".
Manager: you're hired son..I remember those words. We had a great dealer, who used to say this line.

Fred is happy, leaving the store. He signs the contract. Still holding the contract, Fred sits on a bench, thinks "Uncle Bob, I now have your job" and only now fully realizes that his beloved uncle is dead. Fred calls to his family and informs them about his new job. Suddenly, Fred cries.

(Well, something like that. Fred has his uncle's car, that's the proposed solution).
Click to expand...

Short answer: I spent a lot of time thinking about and writing that second synopsis, so I'd like to see what some other people say first before I completely give up on it.

I recently discovered the Dan Harmon Story Circle and realized I had accidentally/coincidentally followed 6 of the steps quite well and was weak in the other 2; but I have now spent some time trying to address those.


1. A character is in a zone of comfort: Fred is struggling to find a job but his immediate family has his back. Fred is well-behaved but he is easily pushed around and feels like he has to accept what others offer him.

2. But they want something: Fred wants his late-uncle's Thunderbird because it has sentimental value, he needs a car when he gets a new job, and he secretly believes that owning this car will somehow make his life better. Fred is not happy living with his parents without his own car and thinks this car could be his gateway to becoming more independent while also giving him the confidence to be more outgoing.

3. They enter an unfamiliar situation: Fred arrives at another situation where he gets the short-end of the stick; his family junked the car without calling him and springing this all up on him at a very inconvenient time affects Fred deeply, to the point he becomes irrational. While Fred is used to getting raw deals, he is not used to dealing with them on his own.

4. Adapt to it: Fred starts thinking outside the box and concocts a plan for stealing the car and carries out the plan.

5. Get what they wanted: Fred manages to steal the car and narrowly escapes. He drives all the way home overnight in his new car.

6. Pay a heavy price for it: Fred gets discovered by his immediate family for what he has done. They tell him he must turn the the car in and that he cannot have it. Fred refuses, so now he gets kicked out of the house and winds up on his own.

7. Then return to their familiar situation: Fred ends up living out of a suitcase in his car and goes right back to job hunting, this time for much lower-paid positions.

8. Having changed: Fred is much bolder now and a bigger risk-taker. His ego has somewhat been fed by the fact he more-or-less got away with his criminal act. He also has a sense of invulnerability when he is driving his late-uncle's car like he is somehow capable of getting what he wants and that he has control over the outcome of his life when he is behind the wheel of this car. However, Fred is still has no real idea what he is doing. Fred's boldness, naivety, and newfound strength/curse are going to lead to many struggles that will shape the character into who he becomes in season 2. At this point, Fred is the virtuous outlaw.

Whatever happens in the pilot, I want the Thunderbird to be something Fred struggles with. The car is practically a character too because it changes over time just as Fred changes. Also, Fred's perception of himself and the car keep shifting inversely; when he perceives himself as weak, he thinks the car is his only strength, but when Fred realizes he is now even further from having the job, house, and life that he wanted than when the story began, he hates the car and believes it is what is holding him back from being happy/successful. However, when Fred and the car are at an equilibrium in his mind, Fred becomes one with the car, fully aware of both of their strengths and weaknesses and they are at their full potential. I even make a point a few times in the series that even when Fred is put behind the wheel of what should be a newer and better car, he is not connected to it in the same way he is connected to his late-uncle's, which is why he keeps gravitating back to it.

This car sort of embodies a part of his past that he is struggling to let go of. It also represents the struggles and conflict within his family. The car is simultaneously what emboldens Fred to become more outgoing and a bigger risk taker, but it is also something that is holding him back. The car tempted and enabled Fred to become an outlaw and this leads to bigger problems for Fred, it also reminds him of who he was and enables him to leave this life of crime once he decides he no longer wants to live this way. Fred has lots of mixed feelings for the car and has to learn a lot of tough lessons firsthand. Season 1 ends with Fred coming to terms with his mistakes and realizing that dying over his car is not worth it (after he escapes the criminal organization and they are hunting him). So Fred ultimately turns himself and the car in, his fate to be revealed in the next season.
 
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I read it. It simply does not make sense to me that he would steal the car, given the character that you've set up.

If you want to set him up as a character that's been in and out of trouble for years, but has finally gotten his shit (more or less) together, then falls backward and steals the car because he feels like he's being shit on for the millionth time, then I'd find it more believable.
 
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mlesemann said:
I read it. It simply does not make sense to me that he would steal the car, given the character that you've set up.

If you want to set him up as a character that's been in and out of trouble for years, but has finally gotten his shit (more or less) together, then falls backward and steals the car because he feels like he's being shit on for the millionth time, then I'd find it more believable.
Click to expand...

I thought about going that route for a while; where the main character has (off-screen) been in and out of trouble for years before the story begins.
One big concern I have for making my character a former criminal turned criminal again is that this character would never do the things that are supposed to happen in season 2 (the heart of the story). Usually, if a person was a criminal, cleaned themselves up, and becomes a criminal again because they can't make it as an honest person, it's extremely unlikely that they will ever return to being a normal honest person again. It's already been reinforced in their minds that it doesn't work that way so it would be even harder for them to stop; and serious intervention from somebody else would likely be required, it probably won't come from within the main character himself.

Instead of doing that, I figured season 1 is basically that story where this character does all the stupid crap and gets in and out of trouble for a few months then tries to redeem himself; swearing never to go down that road again. In season 2, Fred is the good honest person with a past who struggles to get the job he wants and people judge him, but he takes it because he knows he deserves it and he doesn't relapse even when there is temptation to do that. There will be moments when his coworkers suspect he may relapse and they don't trust him, which creates tension between the characters, but Fred stays true to his word and never breaks the law again for personal gain and never runs from the police. He will get into hot water a few times when he finds himself in ambiguous situations where he has to break the law to save someone else. It's supposed to be a big moment when Fred realizes that by doing what he is about to do, he may save a life but have to go back to jail. He does the right thing even though he gets the raw deal; a reversal of earlier when he did the wrong thing for personal gain because he thought he got the raw deal.
 
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Rick_Leuce said:
I thought about going that route for a while; where the main character has (off-screen) been in and out of trouble for years before the story begins.
One big concern I have for making my character a former criminal turned criminal again is that this character would never do the things that are supposed to happen in season 2 (the heart of the story). Usually, if a person was a criminal, cleaned themselves up, and becomes a criminal again because they can't make it as an honest person, it's extremely unlikely that they will ever return to being a normal honest person again. It's already been reinforced in their minds that it doesn't work that way so it would be even harder for them to stop; and serious intervention from somebody else would likely be required, it probably won't come from within the main character himself.
Click to expand...

easy fix, introduce a love interest that makes them want to be a better person. now they're trying to clean themselves up.
 
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sfoster said:
easy fix, introduce a love interest that makes them want to be a better person. now they're trying to clean themselves up.
Click to expand...
That is a very big point in season 2. Fred has never had a girlfriend, hes socially awkward, and now has a criminal record. He realizes that he needs to get a respectable job and to stop living out of a storage unit if hes going to have a prayer of finding a stable relationship. There will be a few short lived relationships and a will-they-wont they between Fred and one of the female police officers who plays by the book and initially dislikes Fred.
I want it to be a surprise but I dont want it to come out of nowhere.
 
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Rick_Leuce said:
I want it to be a surprise but I dont want it to come out of nowhere.
Click to expand...

So that ties in perfectly with @sfoster 's suggestion. In season 1, he tries to impress a woman he's interested in by cleaning himself up, getting a good job, etc. But he fails.

That leads nicely into the 2nd iteration in season 2 - there's another woman he's trying to impress. The audience says - oh yeah, here we go again, he's doomed to failure. But this time he's successful. Voila: relationship. But now it's been set up by the failure to develop a relationship in season 1.
 
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mlesemann said:
So that ties in perfectly with @sfoster 's suggestion. In season 1, he tries to impress a woman he's interested in by cleaning himself up, getting a good job, etc. But he fails.

That leads nicely into the 2nd iteration in season 2 - there's another woman he's trying to impress. The audience says - oh yeah, here we go again, he's doomed to failure. But this time he's successful. Voila: relationship. But now it's been set up by the failure to develop a relationship in season 1.
Click to expand...

Ah; never thought if that. I’ll give that a try.

Thanks again for the feedback everyone. This is more writing ive done in a very very long time.
 
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Hello everyone,
I want to start by saying how much I appreciate your feedback. While I may receive suggestions or constructive criticism that kind of "suck the wind out of my sails" and make me wonder if this story is worth telling, they can also help me to identify "blockages" that are inhibiting the story from achieving its potential.

One thing that I am entertaining is telling Fred's backstory out-of-order. Let him be mysterious and react to situations in ways that go against the audience's expectations, but not in a forced or awkward way. Fred's backstory is already in my head and I am choosing to reveal the parts that are most interesting and relevant when they need to be revealed. No need to tell the bits that aren't as relevant, but they are all in my head (and on notes) anyways in case it turns out more explanation is required to make the story make sense from the audience's perspective. I would rather explain a key piece of information I forgot to reveal that might have been relevant (and reduced confusion) than to make something up to cover one plot-hole just to create an entirely new one.

This is a technique that usually bothers me because I think a lot of movies do it incorrectly. By that, I mean there isn't a totally thought-out backstory and they just give a few flashbacks to give us pseudo-insight into the character's past. It gets really jarring if we see inconsistencies between some of these flashbacks and the character's motives. This is one reason why prequels really annoy me; they don't seem to organically mesh with the story we are familiar with and we see inconsistencies and plot holes that only exist because the prequel wasn't really the "story before the story." Instead of being the story that explains the unexplained information we saw in the main story, prequels seem to want to explore new things and have familiar characters we already like do things that really seem like things they wouldn't have done before the story we already saw them in.

I'm just explaining an approach I'm considering in this post, my next post will be more story-oriented on how I plan to integrate this approach.
 
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Hello,
Im not asking a question, just announcing that Im not giving up.
I’ve been spending a lot of hours rethinking the entire series and trying to draw connections between isolated scenes and making sure they line up in a coherent and meaningful way. I may be onto something.

One issue with my story I identified is that I kept putting my protagonist in situations where he keeps reacting to things as they happen instead of initiating some of them. Its the difference between a story and a situation. For this to be a story, we need some of it to take place inside the character’s head.

I’ve been listening to podcast lectures, some of them on psychology, and Ive gotten inspiration for how different characters should act/think. Most people do not act rationally, so I dont need to force all my characters to keep reacting to situations in reasonable ways, but I need to have an explanation as to why they dont. It seems so obvious now, but I need to make sure the audience can see how my characters think and why they do what they do. There needs to be a plausible reason for why my characters react to or initiate an event, and my supporting characters need to take gambles as well, not just the protagonist. Also the villain needs to be more than an afterthought. Gotta make the villain interesting, have a mission, struggle, say/do something that makes the audience love to hate him. Mannerisms, tragic backstory, tense scenes where you dont know what hes doing next, let the villain surprise you. The audience needs to hate the villains character, yet ironically like something about him, and most importantly to not be bored with him.

Some coincidences will happen and some unlikely/lucky things will work in the protagonists favor, but I need to prioritize making an interesting film with substance and a message rather than making a sterile film thats realistic in every way except a couple absurd exceptions.

Im going to write out the refined idea with some explanations soon. Im also tempted to explain the story podcast-style and upload it to Youtube to stir up interest and gain support. Ill make a version that I want the public to see and a private link version to share with potential partners that goes more in depth on the behind-the-scenes and heavy spoiler stuff that the story is setting up.
 
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