help with logline

[Padnar]

Hi friends ,
Sorry once again I am troubling you all. I have e-mailed many queries
I had a very few response.

Beautiful venomous Lovely an Hollywood actor, ignores her fraternal twin sister Sundari, due to vengeance. However her sister not only forgives her ,but rallies to save her sister from a murder rap.This is the logline of the film .

Any suggestions are welcome and thanks
padma

 

[wheatgrinder]

Hey Padnar,
Hum, I work with a lot of folks from India, so I complete get your manner of writing, I imagine something is lost in the translation, specifically the order of subjects presented seems odd to this American speaker.

Lets break it down to make sure I understand.

Two sisters (since they are not identical twins, does it really matter that they are fraternal twins? This might be an Indian cultural thing, birth order rivalry, etc. The older sister has different responsibilities and expectations placed upon her in your culture)

One is a beautiful successful Hollywood actress, mean and nasty.

The other sister is plain, with a kind heart and meek.

The beautiful sister hates the plain sister.


(im guessing on "why," but here is an idea for you)
The beautiful sister HATES the plain sister because the plain sister is the "good one!" The plain sister always does what mommy and daddy want, she listens to her aunties and uncles. No matter how "great" of an Hollywood success, the parents are always comparing her to the plain sister.. "Why cant you be nice like your sister" or "your sister never brings shame to the family, but you, half naked for everyone to see.. tut tut.."


The beautiful sister gets in trouble with the law over a murder.

The plain sister saves the beautiful one from certain doom at the hands of the justice system.

Is that correct?

 

[Padnar]

Thanks for yur answer.I am glad you work with a lot of Indians . Yes they are fraternal twin sisters .
yeah I am sick of Hollywood script showing only of Indian poverty , so in this script
I gave an edge to the Indian sister .
padma

 

[Cracker Funk]

Ahh, who gives a crap about proper English? I get what you're saying. Obviously, proper use of the language would matter a lot, if you were trying to sell this script to Hollywood. But you're writing a script for Bollywood, right? And thus, not written in English?

Anyway, it seems to me like Sundari is the hero? If so, the logline should be about her. Something like --

Sundari, always playing second-fiddle to her beautiful twin-sister, Lovely, must fight her jealous urges and sisterly rivalry, to help Lovely escape being framed for murder.

I'm sure the logline I've just written is crap. I'm no expert on this. I only write it to point out that you need to tell us WHO this movie is about, and WHAT they are doing.

 

[wcmartell]

This is just a logline format to get your ideas in order, after that - play around with it and see what works best:

Protagonist is forced to deal with an emotional problem in order to resolve a physical conflict in order to prevent a catastrophic event...

Hey, that's pretty much Cracker's logline!

So... do that.

- Bill

 

[Padnar]

Hi,
Sorry you got the point . I am trying companies who are interested in crossover scripts

“My Indian Sister” is the story about fraternal twins Sundari and Lovely Krishnan, children of a mixed couple Ramesh Krishnan an Indian professor and his wife Margaret Krishnan, a white American lady.

Sundari Krishnan resembles her father and Lovely resembles her mother. This story concerns the hatred Lovely has for her sister and how the hatred is turned to love by Sundari.

.
Sundari is arrested as a terrorist. though she is innocent. Their mother Margaret asks Lovely to help Sundari , but she refuses . Sundari faces the tribulations in jail and wins the heart of the warden and other inmates. The warden helps her to become a lawyer. Later it is found that Sundari is innocent and she pleads her own case successfully.

She then founds an organization called "Hope Free Legal Aid for Destitute Women. She helps destitute poor women by giving free legal aid. Joe Richard is a friend who assists in her cases.

Lovely her sister first becomes a model with the help of Eva Hurst. Michael Hustings, a Director, gives her an acting assignment and the movie is a hit.
Slowly romance develops between the director and the actress. She starts living with him.
Lovely finds her pregnant. While Michael is happy she does not want anything to do with the child and aborts it. Michael is disappointed and cut ties with her.
Lovely Krishnan does not receive any more offers, so when Eva Hurst asked her to meet Anthony Desiredio, who was a bit of a problematic man, she agrees to meet him .

Anthony Deiredio was a sex pervert. He tries to rape and also physically assaulted her. When Lovely Krishnan protested he burned her with a cigar.
Lovely flew into a terrible rage and hit him on his head with a wine bottle. He started bleeding and he swooned.

Sundari , as Lovely is family pleads her case in court. Whether she wins the case and frees her sister can be seen only by reading the rest of the script.

This is the gist of the story. I need to sell ,

I have written in Indian English and I am not interested in selling at Bollywood , as they offer a very low amount
padma

!