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Help on a short script: "Magic"

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I like this a lot. I'm wondering how you might do it without the narration, though. It would probably take longer to tell the story. Or I wonder if you might introduce the narrator as a character earlier, perhaps by starting with her bringing the pig in for butchering, then flashing back to the beginning?

Nice story, though. I've got a cousin in Paw Paw.
 
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That was fun, I totally enjoyed that! :) I read it with a combination Morgan Freeman/Ewan McGregor in Big Fish doing the narration. :P

I guessed the end
once I saw the pig
but I liked that when I had guessed something
(like the crow, and the pig)
that you took it a little grimm's fairy-tai-esque with your, what's the word I'm looking for... harshness?

I don't think the last line has much punch or zing or whatever. I can picture it being a little more effective to just show the final scene. Like, this maybe, (only better written, lol) :

EXT. NARRATOR'S FARM/BUTCHER SHOP

ETHEL steps to the door, the pig at her side. She KNOCKS. NARRATOR answers. He and Ethel talk, she gives him the leash and turns to walk away.

NARRATOR
I should have it all ready for you by next Monday, Mrs. Burdick.

ETHEL
No need, you go ahead and keep it.

Ethel turns and walks away, a sly grin crawls over her lips.

CUT TO CREDITS.


Nice one, as usual, Charles. Are you writing this for someone on here? coughwheatcough?
 
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Well, to get rid of the narrator (if that's your goal), use visual cues that something's different - like the Tomato patch where all but one bush is covered in weeds or dead. And actually show him finding the wand instead of the narrator talking about it. Show the problems people are having with quick cuts at the beginning, then the magical solutions after he picked a perfect tomato from his otherwise dead tomato patch.

And then perhaps show life and town returning to normal as you wrap it up with the pig being led to slaughter and Ethel putting the wand in a box high in the closet. Maybe even show her taking it from his bedside while he's busy frolicking with the whores.

I like it. :)
 
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Uranium: Glad you liked it! I think you're right about the narration, but I'm inclined to keep it. However, after reading the feedback, and thinking about it, I do believe your instincts are right, and it's heavy-handed and over-narrated. I've cut the narration back to bare bones, which I think works much better.

Dready: Glad you enjoyed! I like your ending, and I might just use it. My only concern is how hard it would be to bring a pig into a butcher shop, etc. Another location, another character (butcher/narrator), and shooting with animal actors! :P Also, this was written for Uranium City's call for short scripts. I got a million ideas and they keep bubbling up, and it interrupts my work on my feature. Owel.

VP: Thanks for reading! All good ideas on getting rid of the narrator. I wonder: What's the consensus here on SHOWING the wand itself? I didn't want it to be a fixation in the story, more left to the imagination, but maybe it'd be more effective if it was concrete. Hmmmmm...

Wheat: I was thinking "perch," but my fingers typed "roost." So I'll tidy that up! As for what he sees under the trees, see above concerning the wand... I appreciate your feedback!

Thanks my friends!

-Charles
 
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Before jumping all over the script, I'd like to know the market and demographics in mind for this script.











Where are you looking to shop this script? Do you have any disire to produce the script yourself. Are you doing this for a producer ready to buy with specific requests in mind?











Narrations can work. It depends on the style and if you want to use the narrations to enhance the character like bringing us into the world of the character, which is often done in science fiction. Or, giving us the thoughts with "inner dialogue" like what is done with Dexter. I still love the narrations of the olf Dragnet series.











If you have a producer or investor who requests it, give them what they want. Money talks and you have to please the one with the money bags.


Has anyone seen Ray Bradberry's SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES? Narrations were used very effectively as a man reflected a story that happened in is youth. The narrations serves for him recollecting his thoughts for the events of the circus that came to town.
 
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Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC said:
Before jumping all over the script, I'd like to know the market and demographics in mind for this script.

[...]

If you have a producer or investor who requests it, give them what they want. Money talks and you have to please the one with the money bags.
Click to expand...

Hey, Modern Day

To be perfectly honest, I hadn't considered market too much before I started writing. I suppose anyone who likes a good story.

And yes, money does talk, but my impression is that very few people are getting rich making short films. It's more a way to demonstrate competency, talent and bona-fides (and get some practice in).

Thanks!

-Charles
 
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Market is always something to consider.

If you are making a one time story, keep it simple.

In my case, I got a call from my investor with requests for things he wants in the script. He also wants the short as a marketing tool to fund 3 feature sequels to follow. So, my way to give him what he wants is a 30 minute pilot to a miniseries. I also made it with seven lead characters, six cyborgs and a goddess. That allows me to create more back stories for the features to follow.

In your case, One to two main characters should be all you need for six pages.
 
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I picture that Judge from My Cousin Vinny narrating it. This reminds me of a script I read recently on SimplyScripts. At the end of the screenplay a man puts a hunk of meat on his skillet to eat for breakfast. The twist is the meat was his lover. It just makes me wonder about the fascination with cannibalism, especially in short screenplays. It just seems like an easy plot twist to use. Just curious about your opinion on it...
 
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jrsmithson said:
I picture that Judge from My Cousin Vinny narrating it. This reminds me of a script I read recently on SimplyScripts. At the end of the screenplay a man puts a hunk of meat on his skillet to eat for breakfast. The twist is the meat was his lover. It just makes me wonder about the fascination with cannibalism, especially in short screenplays. It just seems like an easy plot twist to use. Just curious about your opinion on it...
Click to expand...


I don't have a problem with cannibalism in a short script any more than I have a problem with murder or robbery or suicide or any other form of human behavior, so long as it's integral to the story. Since cannibalism carries a heavy social taboo, it's ripe for usage in short scripts, where there's not a lot of time to build a foundation for a strong emotional response. Is it used as a fairly cheap means to achieve that response by writers and filmmakers of shorts? Sure. Have I used it cheaply? I don't know. It's just another storytelling tool, imo.

Cheers!

-Charles
 
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