Help a new screenwriter, please?

[Ramen Shaman]

So, I'm relatively new to the site, here. I'm required for a class to create a short film. So far, I've come up with my idea and written a 22 page rough draft of the script. I'm just looking for some input from anyone with experience in this field. I went to the teacher of this class seeking guidance, only to learn that he has minimal experience with film. So, I've come here. The premise for my film is as follows:

Michael Booker, fourteen, leads a horrible life. Geeky and awkward, he is shunned and bullied by his peers, and ignored by his parents. Even in his dreams, he can't escape. There, he is tormented by Nikolai, a sarcastic villain that preys on Michael's feelings of inadequacy. Michael goes home each night to an empty house, giving him ample time to stare at the loaded pistol he keeps in his desk drawer 'just in case' he finally gets the balls to escape his life. After a bookish girl, Jennifer, from a neighboring county moves to his Math class and shows some concern for him, he finally confronts the bully in his dreams, destroying him with a dream-version of his home pistol. Without this fear in his life, he is able to stand up for himself and, in the end, ask Jennifer on a date.

Keep in mind, this is my first screenplay. But what do you think of the concept? If anyone really wants to, PM me for a copy of the script. It's been copyrighted, so don't even think about it.
I had to make the screenplay with my film constraints in mind. My cast and I are all full-time students with extracurricular activities. We have no time and no locations. Most of the film will be shot on campus.

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

I think your concept sounds FINE for a school project...

As long as you can hook into your theme, you have a good chance at making a decent movie. My only problem is this 14 year old with a loaded gun in his desk drawer... LOL. You say Mom and Dad ignore him so I assume that means they don't care enough about their own kid to know what's in his room...

Having said that, my first thought was HOW does a 14 year old come to have a loaded pistol in his desk drawer... I sincerely DOUBT this is the norm so you might want to be sure to explain that HOW in your movie.

Good luck with it...

filmy

 

[millar prescott]

Sounds Good

Hi. I'd love to read your script.

 

[Ramen Shaman]

Thanks for the response, Jumper. Michael's parents are workaholics, out-of-town on business. (This was written in to effectively removes the need for extra adult actors in my film)

As to how he got the gun? I have thought about adding more VO in the script to help explain some of the otherwise unexplained questions like that. I was thinking either from a neighbor (lost while they were moving) or simply found during his walk home. A couple of scenes focus on his walks from school, and I figure I could add in a minute of him bending over and finding this dirty, rusted gun, taking it home and cleaning it up. I mean, what else does he have to do?

The whole idea actually spilled from me thinking about the stagnancy of life; without effort, you move nowhere, like a boat on a pond. One of the symbolic dream scenes focuses around this idea. I don't know. I have so many ideas for productions that it's hard to focus on one central theme. But I understand that it's necessary before I can make a good film.

 

[indietalk]

I'd make it the father's gun, and the son knows where he keeps the key to the lockbox, or maybe it's an antique gun in the attic or on display, and he buys ammo for the gun. Could be a cool scene of him buying the ammo.

 

[MacV]

Maybe I haven't read the script, but 22 pages seems unnecessary for the story you want to tell. 1 page of script equals 1 minute of film. 1 minute of film equals about an hour of shooting. Boil your script down to the essentials and you will have less to shoot allowing you more time for better quality filmmaking. Besides, nobody wants to see a 22 minute first short film. I'd say, aim for under 10 minutes.

Don't put V.O. in your film in order to explain a plot hole or something, that's lazy. V.O's tell the action, not show it.

My feeling is you need to change the structure around. Since the main conflict is whether or not he beats the bully in his dreams, I think you need to start out with this sequence. Establish the main conflict as early as possible to give your film a clear focus.

Or is this the main conflict? Is the main conflict, will he get the girl? If this is the case, you need to start out with the girl coming to town first act. I guess my problem with your treatment is that it describes waaaaay too much backstory. Halfway through the treatment you reach a catalyst: the girl coming to town. This is what pushes the story off, this needs to be established within the first act of your film, not half way in the story.

I'm iffy about the gun. Half of me asks, is it really needed? If you are only showing this scene to get across that this kid has a shitty life, then sacrifice it. However, if the main conflict is to rid himself of Booker, it might be a device to raise the tension. "Will he get rid of Booker?" the audience asks. Killing himself is certainly one way; you could sell it as the inevitable action he will take if the girl doesn't help him kill Booker. So then, the audience knows that his life is riding on this intervention.

That gets me thinking: Why wouldn't he just kill booker in his dreams to begin with? Why does he need the girl to help him do something so obvious?

That gets me thinking some more: Why a dream bully and not a real one? He gets bullied in school already, why not make michael booker a real character?

Finally, how much do you know about the 3-act structure, out of curiosity?

EDIT: I reread a reply of yours, "A couple of scenes focus on his walks from school, and I figure I could add in a minute of him bending over and finding this dirty, rusted gun, taking it home and cleaning it up. I mean, what else does he have to do?"

First off, why do you have a couple scenes focusing on his walks home? Every scene you have should push the story. There needs to be conflict within every scene, and preferably, every moment. Conflict IS story. Walking home is not compelling conflict. Secondly, if you were to include him finding a gun, do not drag it on for a minute. In fact, all you need to establish this information is him walking, stopping, sees a gun, cuts to the next scene looking at a gun on his table, maybe right as he's finishing cleaning it if you want to put in that information. This would take 10 seconds of screentime.

 

[Xylofonic]

Hi Ramen,

I like your story but think it isnt finish complitly. I would suggest that as Michael gets the power to date the girl the bully intervenes (makes Michael look ridiculous) and Michael makes his dream come true and kills himself and the girl at the end. Its no more a happy end but this way the movie shows a closed story which is even bound to reality.

As others mentioned 14 might be a little young.

Regards

 

[SantaFeFilmGroup]

i would change his age to maybe 16 or 17.
i can't imagine a 14 year old having a gun unless he gets it from his father.
making him 16 puts a lot of points into the story, like if he just turns 16 that puts a lot of new responsibilities into this boys life, car, job, girlfriend, hormones going crazy. 16 is a mile mark in life and it's also the most troubling.

 

[cibao]

I've got to agree with a lot of MacV's comments. Unless the real bullying at school isn't THAT real, how would beating the bully in his dreams fix his problems? I'd consider taking out the dreams (which is a major change, I know), and making the dream sequences his reality. When he beats Booker in real life (obviously take out the gun), he gets the courage to ask the girl out. Instead of the gun, you can have a bottle of pills.

As for the age, you know your available actors. Write the script to fit them in. Don't make them older if they won't fill that role. That's the thing about low/no budget films. Your biggest and best way of saving money is to only write for what you have.

Good luck,

Chris

 

[Ramen Shaman]

Thanks, guys, for your input. MacV, I understand that 22 pages was a bit more than what was truly needed for this script. However, this was all written to fulfill the requirements of a Drama project. I had to either film a half-hour movie or direct a one-act play. Personally, I've always focused more on film than theatre.

I have taken several of your opinions and suggestions to heart, and I have used them to (hopefully) better my script.

Thanks, guys. I'm glad to have a place to post my work and receive constructive criticism.