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Hanky Panky 6pg

dlevanchuk

dlevanchuk

This is a script wrote, that I want to shoot by the end of the month. What do you think?
Did the story keep you interested?

Husband comes back home from work, and runs into unexpected guests.

Suspense/ Comedy


Hanky-Panky


Please feel free to tear it apart!



I was trying to follow a Crackerfuck's suggestion on 3 act structure from my previous screenplay "Rends", so hopefully it worked out..



EDIT: Here is rev B
 
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kinglis said:
Does it mean you're not a "Do it faster"- boy, Ray :lol:
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Aw, c'mon, Baby. Let's please not bring the camera in to document our pillow talk. ;)



Okay, Dima

FWIW, proper screenplay format/protocol/etiquette is that the FADE IN: begins the screenplay, not the slugline/header.

As a general rule, turn off your screen writing program's MOREs and CONTINUEDs feature.

It has kind of a cliché first page, but it is interesting.

Pg 3
Code: 
[FONT="Courier New"]Loud CAR tire screeching noise.

Todd turns around and sees an SUV parks behind his car.[/FONT]
This would possibly be better if GARRY's SUV silently drove up, just kinda magically appeared, actually.
Todd responds startled, as in "How the H did he do that?"

Code: 
[FONT="Courier New"]Garry, 50s, fit and bald, in very sharp black suit and red
tie, steps out of the car. Back door automatically swings
open, and Garry confidently walks up to it.[/FONT]
You'll be shooting this yourself, so in the grand scheme of things this doesn't matter, but these are two semi redundant, contradictory and not plain lines.

Garry steps out of the car.
Then the back door of the car opens?
The one he just got out of?
Gary walked up to the back door of the house?
Or back door of the car he just got out of?
Why would he walk up to the back door of the car he just got out of?
Why would the back door of the house automatically open?

Like I acknowledged, you'll be shooting this yourself, it's an insignificant issue to clear up in 30secs as a director is talking to his/her cast & crew.

However, just like I was pointing out in another thread that industry professionalism goes beyond the final product.
I want your screenplays to be written well, but if I'm going waaaaaay beyond what is necessary then don't worry about it. Seriously. Its honestly fine.

Page 4 "Gun".
Pistol or sub-machine gun?
Surely not an assault rifle, right?

The page 4 TODD'S FRONT YARD scene is great! LOL! Nice little aside.

Page 6 "Garry cocks his guns."
Gun, singular.

Alright!
That was absurd in a delightfully amusing way.
I promise to bust my a$$ laughing when I see Garry round the corner, gun/pistol in hand, to find two human actors in giant rat suits noshing on a big chunk-O-cheese.
That'll be great.

GL with the shoot!
Please tell me to bugger off or keep 'em coming with any (spec) screenplay standards.
 
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rayw,
thank you very much for taking your time reading it over and commenting! i will deffinitely make some changes, just to clear few things up.

the back door of the car, i meant to be the hatchback door of suv. garry would get out of the driver side.

I like the idea of silent approach of the car. I ll have to think a bit more about it, because Garry is extremely fast moving, precise, highly skilled and experienced type of the character. everything that his does is about speed, and percision..
he is cold, and professional, nothing seems out of ordninary to him, because he seen it all, so he doesnt even flinch when he finds out that his target is ubnormally large mice.

alright, i need to get back to writing and budgeting!
thank you everyone for reading!
 
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There's an expression in marksmanship that goes, "Slow is fast". It sums up an entire philosophy on achieving accuracy. When you practice with any piece of equipment, you do everything slowly and deliberately so that you build muscle memory. You program your body to do the right things at the right times so that when you need to act, you don't think about it you just do it. I read Garry as a mercenary type. The way that you've written him leads me to believe that he would be expert with everything that he carries and not carry anything that he doesn't need. His movements would be fluid and deliberate, yet silent and seemingly effortless. It's a hard thing to pull off if the actor doesn't have practice. When the SUV pulls up, Garry would likely already be halfway out of the door before the truck comes to a complete stop. When he closes the driver's door, you might want to lower the audio level so that we barely hear it. My Tahoe has an automatic lift gate, so I knew exactly what you meant by the rear door opening as he's getting out. You should consider a large canister silencer for Garry's gun (pistol). It adds to the action that the audience thinks will happen at that time. Plus, a full volume gunshot will bring the police and that would be bad. In my opinion, I think that, when Garry passes the motorcycle in the driveway, instead of asking Todd if it's his, he should just hesitate slightly next to it and give a barely audible grunt of appreciation.

You could make the last line
TODD
It's over.

and have the actor emote as much relief and gratitude into that one line as possible. Maybe have him physically sag when he says it and say it as if he's been holding his breath.
 
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The way that you've written him leads me to believe that he would be expert with everything that he carries and not carry anything that he doesn't need. His movements would be fluid and deliberate, yet silent and seemingly effortless.
Click to expand...

Glad you caught that from the screenplay! I do have one of my friends who is an ex-cop, and i'm sure he has the skills that i'm looking for.



I like your version of the last line. I'm meeting up with the actor on Wednesday who will be playing the role of Todd, and i'll see what would work best for him.

Thank you for your suggestions!
 
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I liked it. The pacing got skewed when Garry entered. I agree about the comment about the bike. It totally altered the feel. You can have Garry's smirk reaction, but I'd just have him move on.

On page 5, I'd slow down the action by having Gary walk down the hall. Maybe stopping to see a man's and woman's clothes forming a path towards a door. He slowly opens it, and finds the dog, lapping from the toilet. Then have him stalk towards the sounds coming from the kitchen. Just adding a suggestive break makes the final encounter a more delightful twist, in my opinion. It slows down the abrupt reveal.

I think it will make an awesome short.
 
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Very nice.
It ain't cinema gold, but that should work out just fine.

You got interior and exterior shots.
Shots inside cars.
Lots of tracking & slide shot opportunities.
Good emotive close ups.
Guns are good.
Simple enough dialog.
Acting range isn't too bizarre at all.
How are you going to do the rats? Costumes or fun with After Effects sort of stuff?
Cute flash of light pistol firing effect. Going to wait for evening to flash a couple strobes off?
A few spots of blood.
And some cute humor.

This should be nice.
I see a lot of fimmakers bedeviled with their outdoor shots. The bright sky fouls up their foreground, even on overcast days.
Got both a bounce board and someone to hold it?

Outdoor audio collection! Fun. Nice.
Separate audio? Dead cat and all?
 
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rayw said:
How are you going to do the rats? Costumes or fun with After Effects sort of stuff?
Click to expand...

Actually I've contacted a mascot rental place all the way in Ohio, and reserved 2 costumes to be shipped in october to Seattle for a full day rent! It was a tough, but finally found what I was looking for after 5 hours of seach :)

Cute flash of light pistol firing effect. Going to wait for evening to flash a couple strobes off?
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Yes, we'll wait till evening and will dump two big flashes of strobes straight into the window through the curtains. Will do some tests tomorrow.

The bright sky fouls up their foreground, even on overcast days.
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I am worried about it as well, but will try to expose for the background, and have 800w rented light beam at the actors. Also, i think 12'x12' rented canopy should help to defuse the light a bit..


Got both a bounce board and someone to hold it?
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yessir. got two extra hands for boths days of the shoot who will do nothing but help me out with lights.

Separate audio? Dead cat and all?
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The cat died recently and ready to be used :-D
Renting a boom pole with sock mount, ntg3 with the cat, that will run to H4n, and a sound guy.


I guessed i had enough playing around with different parts of filmmaking, time to bringing it all together, and spend some $$$ on experienced crew members and good gear.


and good food... mmm..


Going through the budgeting right now.
 
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I like the idea about the clothing trail on the floor. Remember that muzzle flash is not white, most are dull yellow to a light orange color. Plus, the suppressor (proper term for a silencer) will dull the flash. Consider a mix a of yellow and orange gels over the strobe and experiment with firing it into the room, using the walls as reflectors for effect.
 
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yes, i ll try few things today, see how it looks..

i thought more about it, and i might not use the suppressor. i really want that big BANG BANG heard from the inside.
For shear awesomeness sake.
 
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