Hanky Panky 6pg

[dlevanchuk]

This is a script wrote, that I want to shoot by the end of the month. What do you think?
Did the story keep you interested?

Husband comes back home from work, and runs into unexpected guests.

Suspense/ Comedy


Hanky-Panky


Please feel free to tear it apart!



I was trying to follow a Crackerfuck's suggestion on 3 act structure from my previous screenplay "Rends", so hopefully it worked out..



EDIT: Here is rev B

 

[kinglis]

Oh, well, It's really good!

When are you shooting this?

 

[dlevanchuk]

As soon as I can, which is at the end of the month.

 

[kinglis]

It's rare I get surprised by an ending... I wasn't expecting it...

 

[dlevanchuk]

excellent.. Then I succeeded in my job as a storyteller writer, and need to get my storyteller filmmaker hat

 

[kinglis]

And now be careful...

 

[dlevanchuk]

always

 

[Lucky Hardwood]

I love the twist! I wouldn't have Garry ask about the bike, it takes away from the belief that you've been building. That and the wedding ring thing that I mentioned in the other thread is all I would change. If I was watching that, I would have laughed my ass off at the ending. I would recommend it to others if you film it as well as it's written.

 

[Cracker Funk]

Haha! You've got an absurd sense of humor, and I love it. If I could offer one piece of advice, I'd speed up the pacing, both in cutting the script, and keeping the actual pacing of action quick and snappy. This one has a funny pay-off, don't spend too much time on the set-up.

 

[dlevanchuk]

luck hardwood, thank you very much for reading. Starting script breakdown, and phonecalls today, to get this short going! hope it wont dissappoint you.

CF, the pacing is what im worried about. My main concern is how to keep the 1st and 2nd act interesting enough, to have audience watch this short all the way though.

 

[Cracker Funk]

luck hardwood, thank you very much for reading. Starting script breakdown, and phonecalls today, to get this short going! hope it wont dissappoint you.

CF, the pacing is what im worried about. My main concern is how to keep the 1st and 2nd act interesting enough, to have audience watch this short all the way though.

BTW, don't worry about my comment, too much. "Do it faster" is pretty much how I respond to everything in life, not just filmmaking.

 

[dlevanchuk]

I would hate to have you for my manager haha

 

[Cracker Funk]

I'm just kidding. About the rest of life, anyway. I'm pretty chill, actually. But as a director, I'd say about 80% of what I do is tell the actors to speed things up!















I'm exaggerating, but there's some truth in it.

 

[kinglis]

"Do it faster" is pretty much how I respond to everything in life, not just filmmaking.

I would hate to have you as my lover

 

[rayw]

"Do it faster" is pretty much how I respond to everything in life, not just filmmaking.

Yeah, I'm frankly not too interested in being your lover, either.

 

[kinglis]

Does it mean you're not a "Do it faster"- boy, Ray

 

[Cracker Funk]

I take no credit for this digression. Be wary, folks, the off-topic police are lurking. Plus, D-lev's script is pretty awesome, and worthy of some helpful critique.

 

[kinglis]

I'm so scared now

 

[dlevanchuk]

I was thinking about changing Todds last line

Spoiler

TODD
Yes, sweetheart.. He got them. You
can come home now.

to

Spoiler

TODD
Yes, sweetheart.. He got them. Its safe now.

or something along those lines. Its just feels like his last line is a bit too on the nose.. don't want audience feel stupid and have a thought "Yea, yea, i got it"..

 

[kinglis]

I was thinking about changing Todds last line

Spoiler

TODD
Yes, sweetheart.. He got them. You
can come home now.

to

Spoiler

TODD
Yes, sweetheart.. He got them. Its safe now.

or something along those lines. Its just feels like his last line is a bit too on the nose.. don't want audience feel stupid and have a thought "Yea, yea, i got it"..

TODD will always remind me of Caroline Todd from Green Wing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh7_nWQJM_0