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got an idea, but no story

well ive written this script about two men in an office. They receive a package which they believe is money. As the stranger leaves, they open it up to find a letter saying to look under their desk. Theres a bomb under the desk, and then the rest of the story is drama building up to the point which it goes off, and it ends.

i feel like i have an idea, but no real story. what do you think? (its supposed to be a short)
 
You should expand on that. A lot.
Who sent the package? Why? An angry customer of a large corporation? An inocent man indirectly convicted by an incompentent law firm?
 
This is likely to work best if there is plenty of good, investigative dialog and few other characters. I could also see the men having to deliberate what they should do and when. How long have they got? Obviously, just running from the building is not good enough, but why would they not be able to? Could they call someone? If not, why not? These issues would certainly add tension and a good sense of claustrophobia could be created.
 
You have to answer the cliche questions...

Who, What, When, Where, Why and How?



Who - put the bomb there?

What - kind of bomb? (i.e. - C-4 explosives are sophisticated, ampho is not...)

When - was the bomb placed there?

Where - is the bomb? (I know you said under the desk, but why not in the desk; X opens the drawer and there it is. Goes back to What above - Ampho is bulky [under], C-4 is not [in])

Why - was the bomb placed there?

How - was the bomb placed there?



Answering these questions - even if not in the film itself - will go a long way towards writing your script. Maybe grab a friend, stand next to a desk and improve the scene?
 
My take is this:
Remember the story is never about what the story is about.. you get me?

The "story" as you described it, is just a setting for two characters to interact, fight, or whatever before time runs out. This is a VERY strong setup for a great story.

Start with a log line. (search this forum for log lines and you'll get lots of suggestions)

Is it a comedy? (could be a funny buddy setup)

"Punch The Clock"
Unknown to each other, two office buddies try and scam the boss out of 10 million dollars only to find the tables turned and the stakes raised to life and death proportions!
 
thanks for the advice. maybe some flashbacks of some sort?
i was planning on it being a serious short, not comedy. But im open to suggestion, since i dont know what to make it comedic.

another thing: these are my teachers, and im lucky to have them helping me out. Im shoot in the school offices. what other place could i use? maybe bathroom? (so they wont have to go out of their way, helping a 18 yr old)
 
No flashbacks! There are rules about these things and noobies are not allowed to do flashbacks, Iv not even worked up the nerve to do a flashback yet and look at my post count! (thats in good fun but has a bit of truth to it!)

Serious is good, harder then comedy though.. Viewers are much more forgiving in comedy movies, bad lighting might be part of the whole silly movie thing..

Here is an idea to help get your thinking organized, I did this and it worked pretty good on one project.

Get a bunch of 3x5 cards.
On the back of a card write the first cool thing your imagining in your movie. Your not worried about order or plot just the images you have in your head already. And NO DIALOGUE yet!

Examples..

"Bill rips the letter of of Dave's hand"

"The bomb starts ticking"

"Bill drops the cigar into the trash bin"

"Dave spills the coffee on his boss"

Dont worry about anything other than just getting the ideas out. If only 1 out of 10 are any good then your better than average! Cards like "big explosion" or "a dog barks" are perfectly acceptable..


So after you have a bunch of cards.. you kinda spread the cards out on the floor and start arranging them in some kinda of order ..

For example in my scenes from above, you could order them like this..

"Dave spills the coffee on his boss"

"Bill rips the letter of of Dave's hand"

"The bomb starts ticking"

"Bill drops the cigar into the trash bin"

Hey look! Already a plot is emerging.. you can sorta see it.. Of course there are some big gaps, so you just start writing in new cards to fill the gaps, as you do so, you'll get inspired to maybe reorder somethings, do away with others.. but now your rolling along... dont be afraid to throw cards to the side if they dont work, expect dramatic changes.

Before long you'll have the cards in an order that almost reads like a book you'll clearly see the plot. Now you can edit the cards, tossing away the ones that are not important to the main plot, or thin out the the area of the plot your not really interested in, I get a sense your more interested in what happens AFTER they find the bomb.. so you might only have a few cards about "why" the bomb is there but many cars about the escape and rescue or whatever they do..
 
yes exactly! im planning on expanding 2 minutes in the timer to a couple of minutes to add the tension and drama. Obviously no big explosions for me yet, but i like your ideas.

What do you think about shorts that are in only one location? do they work? maybe get boring? should i try to keep it short?

This is what i have so far: A strange man is in his car, looking at his watch. He gets out, opens trunk and takes out a case. He walks with that case inside a building to an office were he gives it to man1. he calls man2 to come in to open it. When they open it they find only a letter saying look in the drawer, where the bomb is. They take it out, they talk (screams, wtf? moment). They plan on running, but the man is downstairs making sure they dont get out. more talk, thinking what to do. A couple of minutes on this with cuts to the wires, timer, them sweating etc. until it comes to 0 and fade to black.

Where could I expand?
 
A single "place" can have a lot of locations. For example a typical home will have a Garage, living room, bathroom.. etc.. all are technically different locations and with movie magic, they are only in the SAME house if thats what you show...

Think in movie terms. Picture how a movie scene might open with an outside shot of an office building, then the next shot is folks sitting around a conference table.. We assume the conference room is inside the building we saw a second ago, but there is no way to really know for sure.. in fact its VERY rare that the external shot of ANY building is the same building you see from the inside. Use this trick with the locations you have.

That said a short that takes place in a single room is common too.

About filling in the gaps..
part of the magic IS the physical process. Writing it by hand, shuffling real cards around in RL works your brain in a different way, new synaptic connections are made and new ideas come forward.

The cards are critical to the rest of the process. When your done writing and organizing the cards. You number them from start to finish.

At this point you might decide to "write a script" which is much simplified as your outline is DONE. In that case you just turn each "card" into a scene in your script, describe the action and write some dialogue if any is needed. There is no reason to write much more then whats on the card though. Make the scenes and card numbers match up.

I then add more information to each card.. I break it down to shots. For example, the card that reads

"A strange man is in his car, looking at his watch." Might require three shots.

  • External Shot of the Car
  • A shot from inside the car as the man looks at his watch
  • An closeup of the mans watch

I write that on the card.

As the cards are numbered you can mix them up for shooting order very easily without reworking anything this is very good to do.

They fit in you back pocket during the shoot, you can write a big X on them once the shots listed on each card is done etc.
 
well ive written this script about two men in an office. They receive a package which they believe is money. As the stranger leaves, they open it up to find a letter saying to look under their desk. Theres a bomb under the desk, and then the rest of the story is drama building up to the point which it goes off, and it ends.

i feel like i have an idea, but no real story. what do you think? (its supposed to be a short)

This is the hardest part of screenwriting. You have a series of events but not a story. When you say "the rest of the story is drama building up to ...", you come to the critical point. Your entire script is about 'drama' from page 1 to the end, not just starting with finding the bomb.

I could be wrong but I think what you meant by that is the remainder of the script looks at how the men try frantically to resolve the crisis. To tell the story or create drama, you need to help us understand in the snapshots leading up to the bomb how these men think, feel, and behave. And as Wheat said, it doesn't need to be through flashbacks. If I see Man #1 has a picture of a pretty wife with a baby in her arms, it suggests to me something about him which may be correct or incorrect. We might catch him secretively talking to a mistress. The subtle clues make me like/trust or dislike/distrust the guy. In the end before the big boom, we should see some transformation in the characters.

Wheatgrinder's index card technique is a really good one. My only caution is that it can cause you to continue to think in terms of events, the objective (visible) parts of a script. It is equally important for television and film to provide solid character development (subjective). Use the technique to develop your plot line. Then identify the characters, how they got to where they are in the beginning, and how they evolve over the course of events (a 'character arc'). This makes the characters more 3D, it helps the audience to relate to them, and creates a drama that permeates the entire production. If I care about Man #1 (Bob) and hate Man #2 (Joe) then the tension mounts if it looks like Bob will die and Joe will live.

Blowing people up is not a big deal. You need to give the audience a reason to care and want to watch. That's why story ('drama') needs to start page 1. Drama is not overboard nail-biting but concern and emotional connection to the individuals in the story--comedy, mystery, thriller, horror, fantasy, etc.
 
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