Ray did a great example. Just BE CAREFUL that you don't drop out so much, that it reads like a text message. I read a recent script that required epic guessing to figure out what the writer meant.
The idea is that lots of what we say verbally is redundant. Many writers put down on paper exactly as they talk which makes the script unnecessarily long. If you look across genres and time periods, you'll see a huge range of what scriptwriters do in very successful scripts.
The Coen Brothers' scripts differ in style from Tarantino's (modern action). You'll see differences between comedies and drama. In general, you want to be succinct but not to the point of being telegraphically obscure.
If you carefully read Ray's example, you'll see everything he cut was superfluous. Reading only the black, it still reads like regular English. Here's an example of what not to do:
Code:
ORIGINAL:
MAN, GIRL in car f**king. RING TONE. GIRL phone purse.
GIRL
F**K! It's my husband.
Nibbles neck. Phone falls. MOANS.
This is a pretty intense scene but it really is so choppy it is hard to follow. Its unclear who and what is happening on the first read. The reason for being brief is to convey information so the reader/viewer doesn't have to re-read the segment. "Girl phone purse"? Who moans? Who's nibbling whose neck?
Code:
TELESCOPED:
MAN f**ks GIRL in car.
Phone rings.
GIRL paws her phone from purse to see caller while MAN thrusts.
GIRL
F**K! It's my husband
MAN nibbles her neck. Phone falls. Girl moans.
Still tight but it conveys a bit better the flow of action.
Also be very careful of taking any screenwriting advice too literally. Writers are like pidgeons. Whatever works for them even once becomes superstitiously locked inside their heads as the only way to ensure continued success even if that had nothing to do with it. If you're writing a screenplay that you will film, learn how to tell a good story and properly format it, but you don't need to go crazy. If you are sending it off, you need to be very top on format and story but recognize your audience--the reader or studio exec--needs to get the idea fast. (The idea that every studio exec is illiterate and likes clipped sentences is an overgeneralization. Plus to even get that far, it needs to pass through very literate readers!)
It's invaluable to read books because eventually you see the commonalities. Story, structure, format all begin to become synergistic. It is VERY IMPORTANT to read LOTS of actual scripts. That is really where you see theory in practice. And where you see every "sacred rule/advice" given by a scriptwriting guru is violated with equal success. Write concise, clean sentences. Don't be afraid to use adverbs (-ly) but limit them. They can be crutches. The only other area where you will find differences is expressing motivation.
Ray wrote about "unfilmable" shots. In general, you never write what can't be seen. However, it is sometimes necessary to convey context for the actor and reader. It all depends on your script and how you present it. Ray wrote:
Code:
The Barman silently wipes glasses with a grimace [color="red"]thinking
to himself he hopes the Cop isn't going give him bad news.[/color]
Ray is 100% right that you can't see inside the characters head. If you write "We see/hear..." or "He/She thinks ...", you need to stop and look at that. You have the option of describing how the barman would act--"glances up anxiously then focuses intent on scrubbing the glass." Your second option is just to add the comment.
Code:
The BARMAN silently wipes glasses with a grimace. His body tightens
anticipating bad news.
- OR -
The BARMAN wipes the glasses with a silent grimace, bracing himself
for bad news.
Again, the action is tied in with the motivation. In writing the script, we are telling a story but we are also offering guidance to the actor and director. You will find gurus who will argue against that as well, but in my experience, actors are grateful for some guidance in creating subtext. DON'T tell them how to act but give general information. And by creating action lines along shots, we are helping the directors visualize. That doesn't mean either will take what we've written and follow it, but it gives a blueprint to start the building process.
Write well and write it to be readable. Good luck.
