First few pages... Compelling or Crap?

[LastChancey]

Decided to leave my other spec script alone for the moment (too vast in scale, shooting locations won't be available to me until August) and work on another idea I had about pickpockets/street boys living on the streets of Nairobi.

I know quite a few guys who used to be pickpockets for a number of years on the streets in Kenya, as well as a guy who did some pretty mind-boggling white-collar scams, so the research portion of this script mostly involves sitting down with friends and getting some details straight.

This is only the first few pages, the setup to a gritty-albeit-uplifting African take on the traditional heist/scam movie.

Compelling? Properly formatted? Filled with dimensional characters?

You tell me.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...jYtMTIyMi00NWQ5LWI1M2UtYmJmNjg3MmYyOTZm&hl=en

 

[PositiveFuture]

It looks pretty interesting. I only read 2 pages cos I'm busy...

This could also be easily shot as it looks fairly low budget. I can visualise how it would work. You could have fast paced and slightly surreal editing like City of God or The Last King of Scotland.

You have a compelling city. If you paid attention to the soundscape and shot on something like a 7D you could make a pretty good film. It might be worth thinking about shooting the first ten minutes as a short.

I don't think you need the line "Damn, where's my wallet." You need to show it not tell. Just have the guy groping his pockets and swearing...

It's also good that you're writing from real life instead of trying to think up stories yourself. I would try and stay as close to the original truth as possible... Throw is a bit of magic realism when you need to, but don't try and sanitize or dramatize excessively.

 

[jrsmithson]

Actually I really liked it, I was eager to read see what happened next. Some things I noticed:

page 2 should read a pair of eyes scan the surging crowd.

I like the subtext in "I'm in Nairobi, I have no idea."

When you say "someone plows into the businessman, do you mean Baraka?

pg 3-agree with the where's my phone line-unecessary.

On pg 6, when franz says "That was weird, right?", maybe they could just show the idea of confusion.

On page 6, maybe instead of saying "Ah, crap", he could just show his dismay.

Like I said before, it's an interesting theme and execution, I'll be interested to see what comes next.

 

[Loomis]

This is a good start. Here's a few things I found.

Try to keep the parenthetical use to a minimum. "Yelling" and "confused", for example, could be eliminated. Often, the punctuation and scenario will dictate the actions for you.

You've only got to cap the names on the character's first appearance.

"searches for the right word" is implied by the ellipsis.

 

[LastChancey]

Great! I'll edit those bits mentioned and churn out the next bit, per my scene-by-scene outline.

One question and one clarification:

Jrsmithson - if I'm changing "scan" to italics, am I also changing other character actions to italics? I had no idea about that formatting bit, and whether that would only be specific to shooting scripts, whereas this is a spec script only?

Also, to those who advised me to eliminate Franz's "that was weird, right?" line before the cut, I actively decided to give him that line, since Franz and McAllister will both come to play absolutely central roles in not only the very next scene, but in the entire story. I think it's important to establish his initial suspicion of the boys that early, since it will come into play almost immediately.

If I was only shooting a short using these few pages I posted, I'd eliminate that particular line since, out of context, it is indeed pointless. The other verbal reactions, I will change to more physical/visual cues, however. I do want to keep the RICH KENYAN's verbal reaction, since it is actually a bit of a punch-line in Kenya, where viewers would know that M-Pesa is a cheap money transfer service, and that by asking "eh, you have M-Pesa?," he's actually asking for a loan.

Thanks for the advice. I'll post the changes and the rest in a bit...

 

[jrsmithson]

Jrsmithson - if I'm changing "scan" to italics, am I also changing other character actions to italics? I had no idea about that formatting bit, and whether that would only be specific to shooting scripts, whereas this is a spec script only?

No, I was only using italics to emphasize my point, don't change actions to italics. Sorry for the mix-up.

 

[LastChancey]

Oh, duh. "Scans." Bad grammar. Of course. Thanks.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Thoughts

I like it alot. Though I do wonder about your social network. Others have made pretty much the general points.

While styles do differ, you don't need all the CUT-TOs in the spec script. Some readers object to them and argue the slugline defines the scene. IMO, if you need to highlight a transition for dramatic reasons, it can be useful. But I would use them sparingly.

Your parentheticals should be to the point. If the dialogue reflects the emotion, they probably aren't necessary. If the dialogue is opposite the intent, the parenthetical is useful. It is also helpful when you have it address a specific person in a group. In that case, keep it sharp. (turns to Baraka) -> (to Baraka). The actor will know to turn to Baraka. And this is just a personal peeve, so feel free to ignore, but I hate parentheticals which frequently break to two lines. Most of yours could fit fine on one line. Again, the formatting is not terribly rigid. A rough rule of thumb is not to extend the parenthetical beyond the character's name. But as many will point out, best to avoid parentheticals altogether unless absolutely necessary.

The meet-and-greet routine seemed a little too strained. Perhaps because I'm a more paranoid American. Having someone run up to me that I clearly didn't know would tip me off immediately. Franz and McCallister seem too indulgent and trusting. Perhaps if Baraka or Njoroge had been eavesdropping at an open-air cafe, it might make it seem a bit more credible. Because the audience will also be learning their names.

I loved that you included the Swahili. However, some of the terms may be difficult for production staff.
"... Darting between a matatu and a piki-piki shooting across ..." Will most people know what you're talking about? Since this is a description, you might include a translation in parentheses, or better, just explain it. You can be more cryptic in your dialogue.

A last point, I'm not sure what introducing the small boy does for this scene. If Mutumbe jumped up and was openly threatening, it may give a sense of his character. Perhaps introduce his exchange just before Baraka and Njoroge enter. It will give more emphasis to Mutumbe's flattery.

I enjoy reading your screenplays. And I hope they do get produced!

 

[ussinners]

For my two cents, it's not bad. I'm just going to point out some little things I noticed. Of course this is a first draft, so hopefully you plan on changing it anyway.

You describe a busy bustling street. Then the first words out of some guy's mouth is "No I'm not at home". Is he homeless? Because the person on the other end, has to hear the street noise. So, this line is just bad.

But, that line sets up "I'm in Nairobi", which is terrible exposition.

Which is followed closely by "Where the hell's my phone?"

Just have him looking for the phone. No poor dialogue necessary.

You've told the scene in dialogue, instead of showing it in action. Which is pretty incredible since it's a little over a page long.

How do you show things like "His stomach rumbles"?

I think you're shooting this yourself, so it doesn't really make a difference. But, how about something like this.

EXT. - NAIROBI CITY STREETS - MINUTES LATER

A RICH KENYAN MAN glides through the crowd.

He stops at a street vendor.

RICH KENYAN
Hapa. Unataka yatatu.

From his back pocket he removes his wallet, pays and replaces the wallet.

As the Kenyen walks, he digs into his bag. NJOROGE brushes past, removing the Kenyan's wallet with practiced hands.

The Kenyan digs into the samosa clueless to just being pick-pocketed.

Does this not simply describe the same scene?

If you plan on writing, directing, producing your own movies, there's no problem. You only have to answer to yourself. But, if you want to sell or work with experienced professionals who are already in the business. Then things like this need to be addressed.

Again, just my two cents.

 

[LastChancey]

Okay, fixed some issues with what I originally posted, and got the next scene laid out. This bit is pretty dialog-heavy, and although I think it needs to be (not to mention - that's just the way I always write stories: with lots of dialog. Like Quentin Tarantino, I guess), feel free to tear it completely apart.

EDIT: By the way, new material starts at Page 10.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...zktMWViYS00NjJjLWFhYzMtNmE5YTQ1ZTAyOWQy&hl=en

@FantasySciFi

Thanks for the great critique! I really liked the idea of reworking the warehouse scene to put the Street Boy in earlier, and also to give a little more oomph to Mutumbe's reaction. Used it in the new rework.

And - I'm also an American, and completely understand that paranoia, but the actors I'm probably getting to play Franz and McAllister are most likely two Europeans (German). It may lead to some deference from the script, actually, but my point is that they aren't as polished, fluid city-walkers as the RICH KENYAN. They're tourists. I did, however, delete some dialog, tighten up the pacing a bit, and add some more hesitancy/resistance on the WHITE GUYS' part. Hopefully the scene flows a bit better.


@ussinners

Changed that first line of dialog to something that I like a lot better. Hopefully it's more tasteful - my intention is to imply that he's a bit of a frequent flier, probably coming into Nairobi for the first time on business, a brisk albeit arrogant gentlemen.

Also tightened up the street vendor scene a little (barely noticeable, though). I don't really want to leave the scene as sparse as you did in your example, for my own stylistic/aesthetic reasons, but I did try to take your advice on showing rather than saying. It's always a problem for me, even when I'm writing my usual prosaic short stories, etc.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I like it. I'm intrigued where you're going with it. Naively as the viewers, it seems a curious twist having the boys meet back up with a familiar face. I also like the treatment with the boy and Mutumbe. It makes more sense. And thanks for putting the translations in the parentheses.

The transaction between Franz, McCallister and the boys was shortened too much. I had to read it three times and it still confused me. Having read the later section, it seems like it is really important to make this part work well. I would spend time re-working it.

Spoiler

One suggestion is to make Franz more sophisticated and actually knowledgeable of their ploy rather than naive. Have him actually enjoying watching how they play it out, without tipping his hand. Maybe later when McCallister is flustered at the restaurant, Franz pulls out a separate pocket of money and re-assures his friend. This doesn't spoil it for the audience to have an 'experienced' traveler laughing at his less experienced companion. It also makes more sense when the boys run into Franz later. While I don't know where you're going with it, it seems Franz is also looking to run a scam and might have need of two proteges.

While the idea of the Kiruyu for the private exchanges is brilliant. I would limit it to the important dialogue exchange about the scam that they don't want overheard. The inclusion of the parentheses was clear to me but some readers will misinterpret them as parentheticals. What I would probably do is change it to italics.

Njoroge and Baraka walk on the road towards the poverty-
shorn landscape. They speak in a mix of Kikuyu, their tribal
language (their heart language) and English.

The Kikuyu segments are starred and noted in italics and are subtitled.

BARAKA
*So, what did he want?

Njoroge shrugs.

BARAKA
*Ah, come on, tell me.
...

If you will have them switching in and out of Kikuyu, it will help to have set-up a convention. [NB: I just added the green to show the additions.]

This is a fun read. (But stop breaking your two word parentheticals over two lines! )
Keep up the good work.

 

[LastChancey]

Hey, that gave me brilliant idea... If you keep giving such interesting suggestions, I'm going to have to list you as co-writer or something.

I'm also reworking that scene (written, I think, with a bit too much beer in my system) to cut down on all the extraneous dialog and some of the unnecessary description to streamline the whole narrative a bit. I'll post it up in a bit.

EDIT: also, about "breaking [my] two word parentheticals over two lines," it's a Scripped.com thing. You are referring to how a short phrase like "in Kikuyu" is somehow split onto two lines? Yeah, I have no idea and it bugs the hell out of me... but whenever I have the non-African bandwidth to download CeltX or something, I'll fix it. Since this is something I'm shooting myself, I don't really consider it a major problem. The main reason I'm submitting it up here is for 1) plot-development insights, and 2) so that I can grasp screenwriting format a bit better. I've also been reading big-budget shooting scripts and then watching the movies to see how the page translates to the image -- helps a lot.

 

[FantasySciFi]

If it helps, there are a number of free templates for screenplay in Word. Most of my immediate work I do in Word. Do you have to pay to use that service? Really, the basics for formatting tabs are:

Scripts are three hole punched and held together with 1 ¼” - 1 ½” brads (top and bottom only). So for the bound script to look balanced, the left hand margin is 1 ½” wide and the right hand margin is 1”. All text should be in Courier 12 pt. font. Be sure to number your pages—upper right or bottom center.

There are now four tabs which are typically standard:
2 ¾ “ (or 1 ¼” from margin) for Dialogue
3 ½” (or 2” from margin) for Parenthetical Comments
4 ¼” (or 2 ¾” from margin) for Character Name
6.5” (or 5” from margin) for Limit of Dialogue Line
5.5" (or 4" from margin) for Limit of Parenthetical

Again, I wish I could say this was standard but it varies among companies. However, this format should yield about 1 page = 1 minute. And with MS Word, you can download their Word Add-on that lets you save the file as a PDF!

 

[VPTurner]

Microsoft Word is not free. CeltX is free. If one cannot afford a screenwriting program like Final Draft, then use CeltX. Spend the time writing, not worrying about where to set your tab stops. It's no longer necessary in this day and age.

 

[LastChancey]

At the moment, I don't have the connection to download things more than a couple MB. That's just the way it is in Africa most of the time... so, Scripped it is. If I ever decided to sell this baby, then I'd obviously run it through some more flexible software and get it exactly how it needs to be for a reader.

So: next revision is done. Still haven't added the next scene, but added Fantasy's idea of Franz being keen on the scam. It plays into something I'm doing later with character, so brilliant suggestion! Another fairly major change: I decided to go ahead and make Franz and McAllister Europeans (therefore changing McAllister's name to HEINRICH), for a number of reasons. First of all, my actors are almost certainly going to be Germans, and second, I think it would be really fun if they had a "private language" to utilize in an upcoming scene, which would parallel the Boy's use of Kikuyu when trying to keep the white guys out of the loop. I also shortened the boys' dialog while walking on the road, and altered it to allude to Franz and give a bit of context/humor as their scene is interweaved with his as he approaches in the car.

I think it's much more polished and intriguing this way:

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...zUtOTdhNi00ODQxLWFiZjctMDE0NWViNTNmODRl&hl=en

Next scene(s) coming soon.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Microsoft Word is not free. CeltX is free. If one cannot afford a screenwriting program like Final Draft, then use CeltX. Spend the time writing, not worrying about where to set your tab stops. It's no longer necessary in this day and age.

MS Works comes bundled free with most laptops that run Windows (in the US). MS Works is perfectly fine. You could use notepad, but I would advise against it. When I bought my new laptop, it had a home edition of MS Office 7 bundled as part of the promotion. If you're a Mac person, I'm sure they also bundle a word processor. [For the uber-techies out there, there is also OpenOffice. It is a FREE office suite that is extremely competitive featurewise with MS Office. It also has a screenplay template available. For those who don't want to buy MS Office, do check into OpenOffice which has a Word, Powerpoint, and Excel equivalents. I digress.] Regardless, my suggestion was to help save new writers some money.

I like CeltX, I use CeltX, but it can be overkill. It also can be rather obstinate. It has LOTS of COOL features for indie developers. It has features to separate out character and create a screen bible, to list out all the scenes for setting up shooting schedules, features for notating SFX, etc. However, it is not well documented for help. The use of tabs can lead to frustrating results. It doesn't have the finesse of the other commercial applications for importing other formats. It is good for what it does but has its own learning curve.

For new screenwriters starting out, I want to emphasize that you don't need to shell out tons of money on software. You can take advantage of the freebies on hand. And I emphasize, there are pre-existing word templates you can download that already have the tab formats set, so all you need to do is start writing.

The BBC has a special Word (and Mac) template for both the US and British screenplay formats that you can download for free. It is also rather sophisticated and mirrors CeltX providing formating for TV, Screen, Radio, Play, and Graphic novel all in one form.

Yes, I used a ribbon typewriter so I learned how to set tab stops. But even now, I have made a blank Word document that has my title page, and the script pages with the tabs set. The reason I enjoy it is that I can slip my document onto a flash drive and go anywhere with it without worrying about having to tote my laptop. I'm not tied to a specific application. Besides as a text file, we're talking on 200-400 KB, not MB. So if I need to modify a script on the fly, I can do so easily. I believe we are in agreement. Too many people worry about 'industry standard'. My intent was to lay out a very basic idea of what that 'standard' means structurally.

If writers are going to shell out money, use it to register their finished works with the WGA, Library of Congress, or other registry site. As a screenplay writer, there are lots of avenues to spend money--contests, festivals, coverage services, etc. My purpose was to suggest how one can save money and use readily available resources. Final Draft, CeltX, and other products aren't necessary to get started.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I really like the changes. It's much tighter and cleaner. The transitions move smoothly. On p. 8, I think you switched Franz and Heinrich. You have a good dramatic sense. Everything was much more believable in this pass. I have a better sense of the characters not only from their exchanges but their behaviors. Good work.

 

[VPTurner]

MS Works comes bundled free with most laptops that run Windows (in the US). MS Works is perfectly fine. You could use notepad, but I would advise against it. When I bought my new laptop, it had a home edition of MS Office 7 bundled as part of the promotion. If you're a Mac person, I'm sure they also bundle a word processor. [For the uber-techies out there, there is also OpenOffice. It is a FREE office suite that is extremely competitive featurewise with MS Office. It also has a screenplay template available. For those who don't want to buy MS Office, do check into OpenOffice which has a Word, Powerpoint, and Excel equivalents. I digress.] Regardless, my suggestion was to help save new writers some money.

I like CeltX, I use CeltX, but it can be overkill. It also can be rather obstinate. It has LOTS of COOL features for indie developers. It has features to separate out character and create a screen bible, to list out all the scenes for setting up shooting schedules, features for notating SFX, etc. However, it is not well documented for help. The use of tabs can lead to frustrating results. It doesn't have the finesse of the other commercial applications for importing other formats. It is good for what it does but has its own learning curve.

For new screenwriters starting out, I want to emphasize that you don't need to shell out tons of money on software. You can take advantage of the freebies on hand. And I emphasize, there are pre-existing word templates you can download that already have the tab formats set, so all you need to do is start writing.

The BBC has a special Word (and Mac) template for both the US and British screenplay formats that you can download for free. It is also rather sophisticated and mirrors CeltX providing formating for TV, Screen, Radio, Play, and Graphic novel all in one form.

Yes, I used a ribbon typewriter so I learned how to set tab stops. But even now, I have made a blank Word document that has my title page, and the script pages with the tabs set. The reason I enjoy it is that I can slip my document onto a flash drive and go anywhere with it without worrying about having to tote my laptop. I'm not tied to a specific application. Besides as a text file, we're talking on 200-400 KB, not MB. So if I need to modify a script on the fly, I can do so easily. I believe we are in agreement. Too many people worry about 'industry standard'. My intent was to lay out a very basic idea of what that 'standard' means structurally.

If writers are going to shell out money, use it to register their finished works with the WGA, Library of Congress, or other registry site. As a screenplay writer, there are lots of avenues to spend money--contests, festivals, coverage services, etc. My purpose was to suggest how one can save money and use readily available resources. Final Draft, CeltX, and other products aren't necessary to get started.

You didn't say "Works". You said "Word". This forum is about screenwriting, not about word processing. I wrote my first script in Wordperfect 5.1 with manual tab stops. What's your point?

I guess Final Draft is rather obstinate, huh? That's what I use and have for years. I evolved along with the available technology. But, whatever. To each his own.

As for saving money, did you somehow miss the fact that CeltX is free?

Side note, MS Works sucks in the grand scheme of things. And it isn't free, either, if you need to buy a new computer to get it. If you are serious about your craft, you will use the right tool for the job. A word processing program is obsolete for screenwriting and had been for many, many years now, just like your Selectric. Specialty software is widely available and significantly cuts down time spent with manual revision marks, manual scene numbering, side by side dialogue, etc.