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story Feedback please

C

Cinephilist

Hello everyone!!

I have been working on a story for the last few months and with this quarantine I finally decided to have a go at it and get the script read. I would like to share my story and would love some feedback and suggestions on how to improve from the more experience writers :) Thank you so much :)

The film starts at a funeral, an old man is being consoled by friends and family. He returns to an an empty home and goes through photos of him and his wife. Later, he is eating a meal alone still thinking about his wife, just then the cat comes on to the table and looks at him. He ignores the cat and continues eating. Later, he carries on his daily chores in the house but the cat continues to seek his attention. Out of irritation he starts to feed the cat but slowly starts to care for the cat. The movie cuts out showing a photograph of his wife with the cat.

I was thinking of showing in the end credits the old man doing his daily chores in the house with the cat and seems happy. He and his cat eat together, when he sleeps the cat also sleeps next to him and they both go on walks, when he is reading the newspapers, the cat sits on his lap etc. This all just implies that the cat is helping him move on with his life.

What do you guys think? I don't have any pets so I'm kind of stuck and not sure how to show the relationship between the old man and a cat. Are there any areas that needs to be tweaked?

The film will be 5-6 minutes long with minimal dialogue or almost none. The inspiration for the idea was from animated film UP :)

Please provide honest feedback and any help with the story possible. Also, I haven't come up with any title yet so I'm open for ideas :) I can give a co-writer's credit :) Thank you again :)
 
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I have cats. I love cats. If you can get a cat to do what you want when you want, hats off to you!
So you may want to go with a dog instead, and/or reach at to people you know who have pets to decide what you can make work.

I think it's sweet and should be relatively easy to shoot, as long as you can find an old man actor for the role. It gets tougher and tougher as you look for older actors.

Good luck!
 
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Hey man great story. It might be cool to introduce that cat! So the cat is new... maybe the window is open and it jumps on the sill and he shoes it away. Then he lets it in. Then he loves it. And you may be able to work in that the cat is the wife with certain traits (reincarnation) but not overly done... just a "what if?" interpretation of the film.
 
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Example. The wife always told him to separate darks from lights when doing laundry. He's throwing it all in together and the cat jumps on the washer and taps his arm. He looks up for a moment, then, begins to separate.
 
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mlesemann said:
I have cats. I love cats. If you can get a cat to do what you want when you want, hats off to you!
So you may want to go with a dog instead, and/or reach at to people you know who have pets to decide what you can make work.

I think it's sweet and should be relatively easy to shoot, as long as you can find an old man actor for the role. It gets tougher and tougher as you look for older actors.

Good luck!
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Initially, I came up with a dog in mind but as the story progressed felt a cat may seem more relatable to the old man. Also, last year I read an article in Washington post about a survey where most older men prefer dogs over cats as pets. So decided to go with a cat since it will form a companionship that's not so common.

I know for sure it will be super tough to find an active old actor and I'm already scared when I think about filming with a cat lol. I'm waiting for the pandemic situation to settle down so I can discuss with some cat owners to see how I can forward with this project :)

Thank you so much for the feedback!!
 
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indietalk said:
Hey man great story. It might be cool to introduce that cat! So the cat is new... maybe the window is open and it jumps on the sill and he shoes it away. Then he lets it in. Then he loves it. And you may be able to work in that the cat is the wife with certain traits (reincarnation) but not overly done... just a "what if?" interpretation of the film.
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Hey thank you so much!!! I'm glad you like the story.


I was not sure how to introduce the cat and was stuck in that part. Thank you for the suggestions.
indietalk said:
Example. The wife always told him to separate darks from lights when doing laundry. He's throwing it all in together and the cat jumps on the washer and taps his arm. He looks up for a moment, then, begins to separate.
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This really helps. The reincarnation idea is terrific!! Yes, I can give subtle hints about the cat carrying some traits of his wife. I can definitely play around with that.
 
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I love the laundry suggestion.

You could also have the cat sit in the late wife's favorite chair. Initially the old man pushes her off - no one can sit there except the dead wife - but eventually the cat settles in. She could even do something in the chair that the wife did. Maybe the man and the woman both had rocking chairs. He never rocked, she always did. And one day the cat is sitting in the chair....rocking.... :)
 
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mlesemann said:
I love the laundry suggestion.

You could also have the cat sit in the late wife's favorite chair. Initially the old man pushes her off - no one can sit there except the dead wife - but eventually the cat settles in. She could even do something in the chair that the wife did. Maybe the man and the woman both had rocking chairs. He never rocked, she always did. And one day the cat is sitting in the chair....rocking.... :)
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OMG!!! The rocking chair idea is awesome. I am so glad to have found this forum 😍 Thank you so much!!

Looking at how the story is progressing I think it will be better to hunt elderly couple actors for the film. That way it will be easier to show comparisons in the ending credits as to how the cat has settled in the house and carries the traits of his late wife. 😃
 
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Cat's seem to have a 6th sense when it comes to humans. My cat can sense when i'm upset or frustrated and try to comfort me. And he's just a regular old street cat. I feel like the story is missing something. The man is seeking companionship after losing his wife but what is the cat seeking? Is the cat is missing a limb or have a deformity and in a way is just as wounded as the old man? The connection the cat has to the wife is important, but it should be a stand alone character with his own motivations and scars so we can understand why they work well together.
 
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Right. He could hear a cat fight in his alley and save a poor cat from being ripped apart and help it heal. If this then represents the wife it could signify the lengths she was willing to go to to get him to bring her inside. As in, the cat was willing to be tortured and not fight back for the attention of the man. True love.
 
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Anyway good luck with it! These spitballs are just to help, stay true to your story and your ideas but also feel free to use. :)
 
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Ollie said:
Cat's seem to have a 6th sense when it comes to humans. My cat can sense when i'm upset or frustrated and try to comfort me. And he's just a regular old street cat. I feel like the story is missing something. The man is seeking companionship after losing his wife but what is the cat seeking? Is the cat is missing a limb or have a deformity and in a way is just as wounded as the old man? The connection the cat has to the wife is important, but it should be a stand alone character with his own motivations and scars so we can understand why they work well together.
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Wow!! Thank you so much!! Never really thought about it in this angle but this actually makes sense because they both need to have some kind of connection to bond.

This actually complicates the story for me, not only will I have to find a cat with a missing limb or deformity but filming with it will be a strenuous task lol.

Maybe I could work around with a kitten instead? I was surfing on youtube through The Dodo videos to see ideas on how to introduce the cat and I came across this video where a lady adopts two abandoned kittens from her yard. This seems like a good connection to bond. Both characters are alone and seek other's companionship.
 
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indietalk said:
Right. He could hear a cat fight in his alley and save a poor cat from being ripped apart and help it heal. If this then represents the wife it could signify the lengths she was willing to go to to get him to bring her inside. As in, the cat was willing to be tortured and not fight back for the attention of the man. True love.
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Could work around with a cat being chased away by kids or something?

indietalk said:
Anyway good luck with it! These spitballs are just to help, stay true to your story and your ideas but also feel free to use. :)
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Thank you so much!!! Got some wonderful suggestions. Time to put my brain to use an play around with it :)

Will share my script when its ready :)
 
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Cool story idea. Are you planning on writing this, and then letting other filmmakers work with it or making it yourself? A 5 to 8 page script is a hard sell for people sometimes. Or if its just to get something written, that works too. It helps to have an end goal in mind for me when writing because it makes me more likely to finish it.
 
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onebaldman said:
Cool story idea. Are you planning on writing this, and then letting other filmmakers work with it or making it yourself? A 5 to 8 page script is a hard sell for people sometimes. Or if its just to get something written, that works too. It helps to have an end goal in mind for me when writing because it makes me more likely to finish it.
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Thank you.

I want to make it myself. I have done 4 short films so far and all have been 4-5 minutes long. I work with almost no budget so the shooting has to be completed in one day. I work with a team who all have regular full time jobs, so the only day of the week they're available is Sunday.

Every time I come up with an idea I try to see if it can be done in a day if it can't then I don't proceed to film it. However, I still have it written down, in case I can work something out in the future. But for now I'm strictly sticking with keeping it short. It is quite challenging but it also helps me improve on my creativity and work with a tight deadline and budget :)

My goal is to make a feature film in 2-3 years time but I know I'm not experienced enough so I'm taking it one short film at a time. Once I make less mistakes in short films then I know I'm ready. Hopefully, I will have a decent budget for a feature
 
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Cinephilist said:
Thank you.

I want to make it myself. I have done 4 short films so far and all have been 4-5 minutes long. I work with almost no budget so the shooting has to be completed in one day. I work with a team who all have regular full time jobs, so the only day of the week they're available is Sunday.

My goal is to make a feature film in 2-3 years time but I know I'm not experienced enough so I'm taking it one short film at a time. Once I make less mistakes in short films then I know I'm ready. Hopefully, I will have a decent budget for a feature
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Nice, I have the same idea in mind. Just keep working on films, and iron out the kinks as I go. I got a chance to work with an industry pro for the last project, and got to see a glimpse of all the gear and workings on the other side. It was intimidating!!!

Feature length films are intimidating to me too. Maybe one day.

Do you have a youtube channel to view your previous works?
 
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onebaldman said:
Nice, I have the same idea in mind. Just keep working on films, and iron out the kinks as I go. I got a chance to work with an industry pro for the last project, and got to see a glimpse of all the gear and workings on the other side. It was intimidating!!!

Feature length films are intimidating to me too. Maybe one day.

Do you have a youtube channel to view your previous works?
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Oh you are so lucky to work with an industry pro. What a valuable learning experience :)

No youtube but got vimeo :)

Autumn Films - Director, Editor & Screenwriter

vimeo.com vimeo.com
 
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