Feedback on script

[blitz1027]

Hey all. I've been trying to come up with a short for a couple characters I've created and have written a short script for something I would like to try but wanted to get some feedback it to see what you guys thought.

I am trying to use this as a learning experience for how to shoot things and as a warm up for a 30 minute movie involving these characters. Any and all feedback is welcome just please don't beat me up too bad as this is my first script.



The Contractors


Zack Dyess as James Colt

Tre’ Dyess as Richard “Dash” Dashing

Masked Man 1

Masked Man 2

Sarah Dyess as Hostage






















Ext. Wooded area day.

Colt steps out of wooded area into clearing. Two armed men are standing there waiting for him.

Colt

I’m here for the girl.

Masked man 1

You’ll get her when we get our money.



Colt throws a duffel bag down at the masked man’s feet.

Colt

There’s your money, now let her go.


Masked man 2 checks the bag then nods to masked man 1.

Masked man 1

Good doing business with you.


Masked man 1 nods to masked man 2. Masked man 2 picks up the girl and shoves her forward.


Masked Man 1

Move

Colt

It’s going be okay.



The girl walks over to Colt. As they are leaving masked man number 2 sees that the money inside the bag is fake. Masked man 2 pulls his gun and aims it at Colt.

Masked Man 2

Hold it. You must think you’re pretty smart huh?
That’s a shame because now we are gonna have to kill you.

As Masked Man 2 speaks the camera shifts to crosshairs aimed at Colt’s back.


Colt

Okay you got me. Surrender now and I’ll let you live.


Masked man 2

Are you out of your mind? What do you think you can do?


Colt

Me? Not a thing.

The camera shifts back to the crosshairs aimed at Colt as they shift to masked man 2’s chest.

A gun shot is heard and Masked Man 2 falls.


Masked Man 1 raises his gun to shoot Colt when another gun shot is heard and Masked Man 1 falls.


Colt

How we looking up there Dash?


Dash

All clear.


Colt

Confirmed moving to exfil.


Dash

See you there.

Scene fades out.

END

 

[victortiti89]

This is a very interesting short script. Story wise, I really like it. Formatting has a few(minor issues). I don't know if this is the actual screenplay you posted here, or just the story. If this is a screenplay, here are a few notes: 1) You shouldn't begin it like a playwright, with listing all characters and their jobs. This is done as the script progresses. A character is introduced in capital letters, just as we see it on screen.

Also, limit the use of verbs that end with "-ing". A screenplay must have verbs in present tense. I suggest using a screenwriting software, that will format everything for you! Some are free(ScriptMaker, Celtx), others cost money. It's up to you.

What does "exfil" mean? Did you mean to say "exit", or is it a location? I think it's more of a preview. Instead of "scene fades out" and " END", just place a "FADE OUT" after you finish the screenplay.

I think it's ok as a short, but you could expand it, by adding more story(a few pages longer). Or you could leave it as it is. Anyway, best of luck!

 

[directorik]

A fine first effort. Easy to shoot. Excellent for practice.

Even when shooting yourself you should practice using the proper
format. Don’t get into bad habits.

You say the scene takes place in a wooded area; yet the first thing
that happens is Colt steps into a clearing. Your scene takes place in
the clearing. You slugline should be: EXT. CLEARING - DAY

Use uppercase for character names above the dialogue:
COLT
How are we looking there, Dash?

 

[blitz1027]

This is a very interesting short script. Story wise, I really like it. Formatting has a few(minor issues). I don't know if this is the actual screenplay you posted here, or just the story. If this is a screenplay, here are a few notes: 1) You shouldn't begin it like a playwright, with listing all characters and their jobs. This is done as the script progresses. A character is introduced in capital letters, just as we see it on screen.

Also, limit the use of verbs that end with "-ing". A screenplay must have verbs in present tense. I suggest using a screenwriting software, that will format everything for you! Some are free(ScriptMaker, Celtx), others cost money. It's up to you.

What does "exfil" mean? Did you mean to say "exit", or is it a location? I think it's more of a preview. Instead of "scene fades out" and " END", just place a "FADE OUT" after you finish the screenplay.

I think it's ok as a short, but you could expand it, by adding more story(a few pages longer). Or you could leave it as it is. Anyway, best of luck!

Thanks for the advice. I know I have a few typos that need to be corrected. I actually used Microsoft word to write this.

Exil is short Exfiltration or extraction point. It's a military term

A fine first effort. Easy to shoot. Excellent for practice.

Even when shooting yourself you should practice using the proper
format. Don’t get into bad habits.

You say the scene takes place in a wooded area; yet the first thing
that happens is Colt steps into a clearing. Your scene takes place in
the clearing. You slugline should be: EXT. CLEARING - DAY

Use uppercase for character names above the dialogue:
COLT
How are we looking there, Dash?

That makes sense. I don't want to make this much longer than this as I may end up reusing it for a flashback in the main movie we are making.
Also I don't want Colt to say anything to Dash prior to him taking the first shot so to help build tension. Possibly to make people believe that the kidnappers have another gunman lying in wait.

 

[Dexter7176]

Nice little script, I would remove the line "there's your money, now let her go" you show this by throwing the bag. I would also remove "Hold it. You must think you’re pretty smart huh?
That’s a shame because now we are gonna have to kill you." I would have the mask man flick through the money so the audience can see that it is fake. Focus on the protaganist and the click of a gun being cocked off screen. This will add more tension. The dialogue could do with trimming but this still a good short and could be filmed easily. I would also download the free version of CELTX this will format the script for you. These are only my opinions they don't mean they are correct.

 

[CraigL]

It's pretty good, nice and easy to shoot, with some interesting things like VFX for the scopes and some practical FX like the bullet hits.

Aside from what was mentioned, I'd make this comments:

The line "I'm here for the girl" seems a bit obvious to me. What the hell else would he be there for? You've not explained the relationship, but I'm sure he'd be a little more angry at the situation and demand "Give me the girl" or ask her if she's OK or something like that.

The lines mentioned by Dexter also, "You must think you're pretty smart huh?" is a bit weak. These guys have put their lives on the line and kidnapped someone, and now they've been duped. They're going to be pissed off. Also, perhaps #2 should double check the money bag and find the issue, as #1 was the one who approved the handover.

My thoughts.

CraigL

 

[blitz1027]

I took some of your advice and tweaked it a little. What do you guys think? Am I headed in the right direction?

EXT. Clearing day.

Colt steps out of wooded area into clearing. Two armed men are standing there waiting for him.

COLT

Where is she?


MASKED MAN 1


She's safe.

Colt throws a duffel bag at Masked Man 1's feet.

Masked man 2 checks the bag then nods to masked man 1.


MASKED MAN 1


Good doing business with you.


Masked man 1 picks up the girl and shoves her forward.


MASKED MAN 1


Move

COLT


It’s alright. You're safe now.

Colt and hostage turn and begin walking away. As they are Masked Man 1 looks through the bag and sees the money's not real.

Colt continues walking until the action from one of the Masked men's gun is heard.

Colt stops and turns around.

the camera shifts to crosshairs aimed at Colt’s back.


COLT

That was quick. Surrender now and I’ll let you live.

MASKED MAN 2

Are you out of your mind? What do you think you can do?


COLT

Me? Not a thing.


The camera shifts back to the crosshairs aimed at Colt as they shift to masked man 2’s chest.

A gun shot is heard and Masked Man 2 falls.


Masked Man 1 raises his gun to shoot Colt when another gun shot is heard and Masked Man 1 falls.


COLT

How we looking up there Dash?


DASH

All clear.


COLT

Confirmed moving to extraction.


DASH

See you there.

Scene ends.

END











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