feedback on screenplay idea?

[ricketybridge]

Hi everyone,

I'm totally new here, so sorry if I'm breaking some sort of rule by posting this particular topic. I couldn't find any rule against it...

Anyway, I'm just looking for feedback on a screenplay idea. Has it been done before, do you find it interesting, etc.

Clutter - indie dramedy

Jennifer, a girl in her late twenties, is forced to clean out her stuff from the garage to make way for her mother to turn it into an art studio. The garage is jam-packed with boxes and boxes of things from her entire life, and her mother is threatening to throw away whatever Jennifer doesn't take.

As she goes through it all, she rediscovers the old loves and painful memories of her past, which upsets her once placid relationships with her mother and her boyfriend. I'm thinking that there will be flashbacks every time she comes across something significant, Slumdog Millionaire style.

I see a couple plot lines resulting from this:

Firstly, she finds a book that her high school sweetheart had lent her, and when she meets up with him for the first time in years to give it back, they realize that they're still in love with each other, and she has to figure out whether she wants to leave her boyfriend for him.

Secondly, she's long felt that she peaked at eleven years old when a painting of hers won first place in a nation-wide contest. Shortly after that, in junior high school, an art teacher had taken advantage of her and molested her, which led to troubled high school years and giving up painting. She tells her mother about the molestation for the first time, and is furious with her for having let it happen.

Of course, it's about confronting your past in order to move forward with the present.

Thanks!

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

I like it...

Hi everyone,

I'm totally new here, so sorry if I'm breaking some sort of rule by posting this particular topic. I couldn't find any rule against it...

Anyway, I'm just looking for feedback on a screenplay idea. Has it been done before, do you find it interesting, etc.

Clutter - indie dramedy

Jennifer, a girl in her late twenties, is forced to clean out her stuff from the garage to make way for her mother to turn it into an art studio. The garage is jam-packed with boxes and boxes of things from her entire life, and her mother is threatening to throw away whatever Jennifer doesn't take.

As she goes through it all, she rediscovers the old loves and painful memories of her past, which upsets her once placid relationships with her mother and her boyfriend. I'm thinking that there will be flashbacks every time she comes across something significant, Slumdog Millionaire style.

I see a couple plot lines resulting from this:

Firstly, she finds a book that her high school sweetheart had lent her, and when she meets up with him for the first time in years to give it back, they realize that they're still in love with each other, and she has to figure out whether she wants to leave her boyfriend for him.

Secondly, she's long felt that she peaked at eleven years old when a painting of hers won first place in a nation-wide contest. Shortly after that, in junior high school, an art teacher had taken advantage of her and molested her, which led to troubled high school years and giving up painting. She tells her mother about the molestation for the first time, and is furious with her for having let it happen.

Of course, it's about confronting your past in order to move forward with the present.

Thanks!

I've never seen a movie SPECIFICALLY working on this idea...

I think it definitely has merit if done correctly. I think it needs a HUGE hook to gain real interest as a spec for either an Indie or Studio film. I do think you're on the right track.

Maybe consider having her be one of those people that always borrowed something from someone and never gave it back. Maybe that behavior began after she was molested.

In an effort to heal herself, she decides to give EVERYTHING back to those that she borrowed from years before... Each item she takes back is a story all its own yet all are connected and maybe SHOULD BE.

Maybe as she returns these items, she finds out from each person that they too noticed she borrowed all the time yet never gave anything back.

Eventually, it boils down to some item she took from the teacher who molested her...

She's gained courage and learned from having given all the other items back and THIS FINAL ITEM is of course the item to give back that's going to HEAL her.

And of course, maybe even a little payback... LOL.

Good luck with it!

filmy

 

[ricketybridge]

Hey filmy, thanks so much for your input. I actually was thinking of her having to return quite a number of things... interesting that you echoed that idea. I'll play around with it.

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

I really like your set up. (Wish I would have thought of it myself actually!)
I think Filmy nailed in on potentially having the final item be from the art teacher.

If you can find the right way to unravel the story so it that leads up to the art teacher’s object, that could fuel a real powerhouse scene of confrontation.

Maybe it is what you intend, but my instinct feels like she might have went down some path away from trusting relationships, a wedge driven between her and her mom by way of fear to reveal what happened to her, a wedge driven deeper by her mom’s interest in art, a wedge driven between the girl and art itself, all of it because of the teacher. And this journey of cleaning up can lead her back to herself, her relationship with her mom, her relationship with art, and hope can be reborn.

-Thanks-

 

[Jijenji]

Hi everyone,

I'm totally new here, so sorry if I'm breaking some sort of rule by posting this particular topic. I couldn't find any rule against it...

Anyway, I'm just looking for feedback on a screenplay idea. Has it been done before, do you find it interesting, etc.

Clutter - indie dramedy

Jennifer, a girl in her late twenties, is forced to clean out her stuff from the garage to make way for her mother to turn it into an art studio. The garage is jam-packed with boxes and boxes of things from her entire life, and her mother is threatening to throw away whatever Jennifer doesn't take.

As she goes through it all, she rediscovers the old loves and painful memories of her past, which upsets her once placid relationships with her mother and her boyfriend. I'm thinking that there will be flashbacks every time she comes across something significant, Slumdog Millionaire style.

I see a couple plot lines resulting from this:

Firstly, she finds a book that her high school sweetheart had lent her, and when she meets up with him for the first time in years to give it back, they realize that they're still in love with each other, and she has to figure out whether she wants to leave her boyfriend for him.

Secondly, she's long felt that she peaked at eleven years old when a painting of hers won first place in a nation-wide contest. Shortly after that, in junior high school, an art teacher had taken advantage of her and molested her, which led to troubled high school years and giving up painting. She tells her mother about the molestation for the first time, and is furious with her for having let it happen.

Of course, it's about confronting your past in order to move forward with the present.

Thanks!

Rickety, not a bad idea but you have two important things you have to consider in my opinion:

1. The story does not seem to lend itself to early conflict. Even if the story gets very interesting as it unfolds, it sounds like it has the potential to have a "boring" Act I. Now, it doesn't have to be boring. You just need to be a good writer and make sure it isn't.

2. The most important thing is, you'll need a larger story line. All of the memories have to tie together somehow and give the story meaning. Just remembering episodic stories will not make for much of a screenplay, but if as a whole they show change in character throughout your protagonist's life--probably in relation to a certain THEME--it could be good.

 

[jrhmy]

I agree with Jijenji, the first act might come off as boring. Though the flashback component of the film might appear interesting, it doesn't have a solid ground to stand on. I suggest you work on the first part a little bit, because what it seems like is you have a pretty good idea and concept (although it is a little cliche), but nothing entirely specific after that.

It's like you have a great 'what if' but nothing to follow. I think it will be much better if you focus on one main idea through your character's self discovery. A story is about change, the main character should become a different person after looking back at her life.

I take it that the climax of the story is when Jennifer confronts her past to her mother. You might have a wonderful idea for this particular part, but I don't think a character debating over whether or not to tell her mother something will have the audience at the edge of their seats. Plus, we already know what Jennifer is going to say. If you do want to stick with this part, maybe you can throw in clues everywhere, then the audience can find out what it is Jennifer is hiding, at the same time her mother does. This would truly reveal something to the viewers, and keep them anticipating.

I also have a different suggestion. Obviously, a bigger plot twist will improve the story by a lot. It appears that Jennifer is already aware of every detail from her past, and this makes it less interesting. However, if you add tiny details in the flashbacks, that Jennifer wasn't aware of at first, then her character will experience something completely different.

It's an interesting idea. Work on the more important parts of the story, focus on a main topic through Jennifer's self discovery, and take away some details from the beginning part (of her mother telling her to clean up their garage for an art studio) and then put the details in the flashbacks.

I'd like to see how this turns out, good luck!

 

[barnaclelapse]

I think you definitely have the ideas in place to write something good. I could very easily see the right people getting interested in this, although it's sadly about six million miles between now and that possibility, with the constant knowledge that just about anything can happen at any given moment.

It's a good idea though, as I said above. I would definitely work with it, develop the hell out of it and see what happens from there. The high school teacher story could really lend some nice weight if pulled off properly and tied into her relationship with her mother in just the right way. You don't want to drag it out, but you don't want to give it less than the attention it deserves either.

I even think that first act is fine, although it does seem to lack some of the storytelling punch that you've given to that second part.

I've never seen a movie SPECIFICALLY working on this idea...

I think it definitely has merit if done correctly. I think it needs a HUGE hook to gain real interest as a spec for either an Indie or Studio film. I do think you're on the right track.

Maybe consider having her be one of those people that always borrowed something from someone and never gave it back. Maybe that behavior began after she was molested.

In an effort to heal herself, she decides to give EVERYTHING back to those that she borrowed from years before... Each item she takes back is a story all its own yet all are connected and maybe SHOULD BE.

Maybe as she returns these items, she finds out from each person that they too noticed she borrowed all the time yet never gave anything back.

Eventually, it boils down to some item she took from the teacher who molested her...

She's gained courage and learned from having given all the other items back and THIS FINAL ITEM is of course the item to give back that's going to HEAL her.

And of course, maybe even a little payback... LOL.

Good luck with it!

filmy

 

[Samiammi]

Yes - it won't get made, and if it does, it won't be aired - you've got nothing but minors - at one stage being molested and the other talking about it as key elements; pretty sure thats taboo everywhere. If I were directing it - I'd say make the second stage girl in college so then at least you could pull in an actor that could pull off an emotional role

Maybe there's a way to make it work - but its a super high risk script. Your key plot elements would be forced to be auditory, and not visual.

 

[Will Vincent]

The concept sounds very similar to My Name is Earl.. Going on the idea alone, I don't see it being a very viable film idea. It's far too broad and vague at the moment.

You're going to have to focus the story. Now, if the ultimate storyline is about this girl dealing with her molestation, the rest of the 'returning things' bits are not terribly important and serve only as filler - unless they are purposeful, and help move the story along its main path. They could be useful sub-plots, but if they don't serve the overall story they're just wasteful space fillers.

The main problem here though, is that you don't really have a screenplay idea. You have a vague idea of something you want to explore.. and that's cool, there's nothing wrong with it, but you'll probably find feedback more useful after you've got a solid story already figured out.

 

[ricketybridge]

Thanks everyone!