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Feedback on my opening scene for my FIRST Screenplay

T

TheEpitomeofAverage

I'm posting the opening couple of scenes from my Horror screenplay about a detective trying to uncover the abundance of murders in small town Hughesville,MD.
I know the format is out of wack but i was having problems copying and pasting my script on here. So just give me your opinions and feedback of the script, not the format as it'll be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time








FADE IN:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BLACKWOOD HOUSE - NIGHT

Hughesville, Maryland

It's a rainy night in the small town of Hughesville. A man
is in his backyard, digging a hole with a shovel. You can't
see his face, just the back of his body moving at a fast
speed, impervious to the fact that he's working in the
middle of a thunderstorm. After a few minutes of digging he
stops, staring at the final product he's been seemingly
working on for hours



INT. BLACKWOOD HOUSE - NIGHT


JOHN BLACKWOOD is a handsome middle-aged man. He is seen
sitting down on the edge of his bed in deep thought. After a
moment, he gets up, heads to the bathroom, and looks at
himself in the mirror

MARY (V.O)
(from the kitchen)
John, Honey, we're waiting on you



JOHN
I'll be right there


John wipes his face with water, to wash the dirt he smudged
on his face from the digging he did earlier

EXT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Mary, and a guest are sitting at the dining table waiting
for John to arrive JOHN ENTERS ROOM



JOHN
Sorry, for the wait. I had prior
business to take care of



John sits next to his guest as he shakes his hand. Mary gets
up and heads out of the dining room





JOHN
John Blackwood



CHARLES
(smiles)
Charles Maxwell



JOHN
Pleasure to meet you, now my wife
tells me you wanted to ask me a
few questions




CHARLES
Yes, I do. If that's not a bother?




JOHN
Of course. Ask whatever you'd
like



Charles stops himself and pulls out a cigarette and a
lighter




CHARLES
Is it too much trouble if I....


JOHN
(cutting Charles OFF)
No, not at all. Make yourself
comfortable





Charles lights his cigarette and starts smoking



CHARLES
Do you have a family John?



JOHN
Yes I do. You've seen my wife



CHARLES
But do you have children?



JOHN
Yes, I have a son and a daughter.
And yourself?




CHARLES
I have a wife. And a son. He's my life
I would do anything for him


JOHN
Of course


CHARLES
Well good. Now you can sympathize
with me. You see, My son, my only child. His name is Mark. I have
spoken with my son everyday since the day he was born. Last week, I
remember a conversation I had with him. During the last conversation with
my son, he told me he was coming to Paradise for business. He obviously would be staying at an
Inn. It just so happens that you own the only hotel, motel, inn, whatever this is, in Hughesville.
That was the last time i've spoke with my son. So there lies the connection. Our unfortunate
incident



JOHN
Yes, it is unfortunate


CHARLES
Is there anything you can tell me
that would help me find my son?




JOHN
You know how many guests check in our Inn a day?
Hundreds. I don't know if it's the weather, or the
name of this town, but people seem to like visiting here. Lawyers,
Doctors, husbands, wives, businessmen. All types of customers.
So i apologize if I don't remember your son. If I had anything
productive to tell you about your son, I would have
already told it to the police when they paid me a visit
yesterday afternoon. You know better than to go around
town playing detective, asking questions when you're not ready
to hear the answers.




Charles puts out his cigar




CHARLES
It's not about hearing answers I
don't want to hear, it's about
finding the truth. The police
don't give a damn whether my son
is found alive, or found face down
in a puddle of his own blood.
If you know anymore than what you're letting
on, just tell me



JOHN
Why don't you ask me what you
really want to know? Did I kill
your son?


CHARLES stares petrified, waiting for the answer




JOHN
You see, I'm not only a lodging
owner of an Inn. More importantly than that, Im the town garbage
man. I throw away the waste of human existence that pollutes this
town


CHARLIE
What did you do with my son!?



JOHN
The same thing we're about to do
to you


Joseph Blackwood, son of John, a young man, in his twenties,
comes from the shadows behind Charles, and SLICES his
throat. Charles, still alive but struggling for air. John
gets up from his chair and stands above Charles




JOHN
Give me the sledgehammer



Joseph gives JOHN the sledgehammer



CLOSE UP of John's face as he beats CHARLES. 3 loud thumps
later, JOHN finally stops beating him. He hears no more
gagging and no more struggle. His face, stained withMr.Maxwell's blood. His obstacle is complete
 
Last edited:
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Your script is more written towards a "book reader" than a "viewing audience". It's a common issue with first scripts. The best thing to do is read a few scripts. When reading the script several things jump out. Let me break up the segments if I can to show what I mean.

Code: 
                                                                               FADE IN:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BLACKWOOD HOUSE - NIGHT 

Hughesville, Maryland 

It's a rainy night in the small town of Hughesville. A man
is in his backyard, digging a hole with a shovel. You can't
see his face, just the back of his body moving at a fast
speed, impervious to the fact that he's working in the
middle of a thunderstorm. After a few minutes of digging he
stops, staring at the final product he's been seemingly
working on for hours

EXT. = Exterior so we already know it's outside. If you want that location as a caption, you need to indicate that. Further in a description, you describe the scene as it appears without using "you" or "we". So here is how it might better appear:

Code: 
                                                                               FADE IN:

It's a rainy night in the small town of Hughesville.

EXT. BLACKWOOD HOUSE - NIGHT 

SUPER: "Hughesville, Maryland" 

A man's figure digs a hole with a shovel in the backyard.  The 
soaked shirt clings to his back.  His actions are hurried and 
unphased while working in the thunderstorm. 

A beat.  He stops digging and stares at the deep grave-like hole.
He stretches to shake off the fatigue of his labor. He rubs his face.

This is what the audience sees. Further, the director will need decide if he want to see the guy's face or not. "After a few minutes" doesn't translate to the screen. Usually it just becomes "a beat" which is interpreted by the director. By saying the "shirt clings to his back" it suggests that we have a back view since as a viewer that is what I'd see. How do we know how long he's been working? What does the final product look like? We see it's long because he looks and acts fatigued. We see the final product is a grave. Note that I also broke the paragraph into two segments. These are separate shots. The first is the scene from behind. The second is a view of the grave itself. This may be a slow pan and dolly in. By saying a "man's figure", I suggest that we don't know who this is yet.

Code: 
INT. BLACKWOOD HOUSE - NIGHT 

JOHN BLACKWOOD is a handsome middle-aged man. He is seen
sitting down on the edge of his bed in deep thought. After a
moment, he gets up, heads to the bathroom, and looks at
himself in the mirror 

                                                MARY (V.O)
                        (from the kitchen)
         John, Honey, we're waiting on you 

                                                JOHN
         I'll be right there 

John wipes his face with water, to wash the dirt he smudged
on his face from the digging he did earlier
Again, it's a subtle change from novel writing. You are telling the audience exactly what we're seeing. Again, watch your sluglines (location headers). It's helpful to keep them short but relevant. Where is John in the house when the scene starts? The kitchen, living room?

Code: 
INT. BLACKWOOD HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT 

JOHN BLACKWOOD, a handsome middle-aged man (mid 30s),
sits down on the edge of his bed in deep thought. 

A beat.  He heads to the bathroom and looks in the mirror. 

                                                MARY (O.C.)
                        (from the kitchen)
         John, Honey, we're waiting on you! 

                                                JOHN
         I'll be right there. 

John glances back towards the window.  He splashes his face with 
water and washes the dirt smudged on his face.

First shot, he's sitting on the bed. In order to get from the bed to the bathroom, he has to stand up. While you aren't wrong to include it, it's not necessary. Some editors would simply cut that out so you see him on the bed then it transitions to see him heading to the bathroom. Some actors would complain that you're telling them how to act. The act of going to the bathroom though is its own action, so it should get its own action line.

V.O. (voice over) is different from O.C./O.S. (Off Camera or Off Screen). Think of voiceover as a mental voice or the voice over a telephone. Think of O.C. as when someone is in another room but could walk in.

How does the audience know the smudge is from the digging? If you want them to pick up on it, have him glance towards the window. He could have been working in the garden. If you go back, you'll see I added a line to your first section where the figure rubs his face. That will tie in to this section when he washes off the smudge.

Code: 
EXT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT 

Mary, and a guest are sitting at the dining table waiting
for John to arrive JOHN ENTERS ROOM

                                       JOHN
                 Sorry, for the wait. I had prior
                 business to take care of.

John sits next to his guest as he shakes his hand. Mary gets
up and heads out of the dining room 

                                      JOHN
                  John Blackwood

                                      CHARLES
                           (smiles)
                  Charles Maxwell

                                      JOHN
                  Pleasure to meet you, now my wife
                  tells me you wanted to ask me a
                  few questions

                                      CHARLES
                  Yes, I do. If that's not a bother?

                                      JOHN
                  Of course. Ask whatever you'd like.

Charles stops himself and pulls out a cigarette and a lighter 

                                      CHARLES
                  Is it too much trouble if I....

                                      JOHN
                             (cutting Charles OFF)
                  No, not at all. Make yourself comfortable

Charles lights his cigarette and starts smoking 

                                      CHARLES
                  Do you have a family John? 

                                      JOHN
                   Yes I do. You've seen my wife.

                                      CHARLES
                   But do you have children?

                                       JOHN
                   Yes, I have a son and a daughter.
                   And yourself? 

                                       CHARLES
                   I have a wife. And a son. He's my life
                   I would do anything for him 

                                        JOHN
                   Of course 

                                        CHARLES
                   Well good. Now you can sympathize
                   with me. You see, My son, my only child. His 
                   name is Mark. I have spoken with my son 
                   everyday since the day he was born. Last 
                   week, I remember a conversation I had with 
                   him. During the last conversation with my son, 
                   he told me he was coming to Paradise for 
                   business. He obviously would be staying at an
                   Inn. It just so happens that you own the only 
                   hotel, motel, inn, whatever this is, in Hughesville.
                   That was the last time i've spoke with my son. 
                   So there lies the connection. Our unfortunate 
                   incident

                                        JOHN
                   Yes, it is unfortunate

                                        CHARLES
                   Is there anything you can tell me that would 
                   help me find my son? 

                                        JOHN
                   You know how many guests check in our Inn a day? 
                   Hundreds. I don't know if it's the weather, or the
                   name of this town, but people seem to like visiting 
                   here. Lawyers, Doctors, husbands, wives, 
                   businessmen.  All types of customers.  So i apologize 
                   if I don't remember your son. If I had anything 
                   productive to tell you about your son, I would have
                   already told it to the police when they paid me a visit 
                   yesterday afternoon. You know better than to go 
                   around town playing detective, asking questions when 
                   you're not ready to hear the answers. 

Charles puts out his cigar 

                                                     CHARLES
                    It's not about hearing answers I don't want to hear, 
                    it's about finding the truth. The police don't give a damn 
                    whether my son is found alive, or found face down in 
                    a puddle of his own blood.  If you know anymore than 
                   what you're letting on, just tell me 

                                                     JOHN
                    Why don't you ask me what you really want to know? 
                    Did I kill your son?

CHARLES stares petrified, waiting for the answer 

                                                     JOHN
                     You see, I'm not only a lodging owner of an Inn. More 
                     importantly than that, Im the town garbage man. I 
                     throw away the waste of human existence that pollutes 
                     this town 

                                                     CHARLIE
                     What did you do with my son!?

                                                      JOHN
                     The same thing we're about to do to you 

Joseph Blackwood, son of John, a young man, in his twenties,
comes from the shadows behind Charles, and SLICES his
throat. Charles, still alive but struggling for air. John
gets up from his chair and stands above Charles

Ouch! So many errors--logic, location, dialogue. Where to even begin? Starting when he walks INTerior to the dining room, the conversation begins (we'll return to that in a moment). "Charles" changes to "Charlie". Charles lights a "cigarette" that transforms into a "Cigar". We start in "Hughesville" that is re-named "Paradise". These major mis-steps would kill your script with a professional reader or anyone who might produce your script. Deep sigh, now to tackle the dialogue.

Great writers can get away with soliloquy length paragraphs. The rest of us need to keep in mind the actor and keep them to 3-4 sentences tops. But your dialogue REPEATS the obvious. It overlooks that Charles has been sitting with Mary, John's wife conversing. You have used this back and forth drilling to draw out information which could be shared more succinctly without all the "Yes" or "Of course". The dialogue alone would put this piece on the chopping block. While dialogue is a highly personal decision for writers, there are two guiding rules for screenwriters: (1) shorter is better and (2) show, don't tell (exposition).

Code: 
INT. BLACKWOOD HOUSE, DINING ROOM - NIGHT 

MARY (30s, a slender woman) and a CHARLES (50s, a short, 
thick, balding man) sit at the dining table when

John enters the room.  He shakes the hand of his guest.

                                       JOHN
                 Sorry, for the wait. I had prior business to 
                 take care of.  John Blackwood.

John sits next to his guest as

Mary stands and leaves the dining room.

                                      CHARLES
                  Charles Maxwell

                                      JOHN
                  Pleasure to meet you.  My wife tells me you 
                  wanted to ask me a few questions about 
                  your son?

Charles pulls out a cigarette and a lighter 

                                      CHARLES
                  Is it too much trouble if I.... ?

                                      JOHN
                  Make yourself comfortable.

Charles lights his cigarette. 

                                      CHARLES
                   Your wife was telling me about your son
                   and daughter.

John nods and slides an ashtray to him.

                                       CHARLES (Cont.)
                   As a father, you know how it is.  My son's 
                   my life.  I would do anything for him. 

                                        JOHN
                   Of course.  How can I help?

                                        CHARLES
                   You see, my son, Mark, he's my only child.  Last 
                   week, he told me he was coming to Hughesville 
                   on business. ... Well, that was the last time I've 
                   spoken with my son. Since yours is the only hotel
                   in town ... 

John sighs and leans in.

                                        CHARLES (Cont.)
                   Is there anything you can tell me that would 
                   help me find my son? 

                                        JOHN
                   You know how many guests pass through our 
                   hotel each week?  Hundreds. I'm sorry, Mr. Maxwell,
                   I don't remember your son.  Have you checked
                   with the police?  

Charles puts out his cigarette.

                                        CHARLES
                    The police don't give a damn whether my son is 
                    found alive or found face down in a puddle of his 
                    own blood.  

                                        JOHN
                    You're here for a reason.  Why don't you ask me 
                    what you really want to know. Did I kill your son?

Charles stares petrified, waiting for the answer. 

                                        JOHN (Cont.)
                     You see, I'm not only a lodging owner of an Inn. 
                     I'm the town garbage man. I dispose of the waste 
                     of human existence that pollutes this town 

                                        CHARLES
                     What did you do with my son!?

John leans back.

                                        JOHN
                     The same thing we're about to do to you.

JOSEPH Blackwood (20s), son of John, comes from the shadows behind 
and slices Charles' throat. 

Charles struggles for air. 

John rises and stands above Charles.

I cut lots of words. They are interesting backstory but not really relevant to what we see playing out on the screen. It doesn't change the gist of the action but it quickens the pace and clarity. While in real life we engage in pleasantries, these things don't come across well on the screen.

In your lines try to keep the verbs active. So instead of "he's sitting" make it "he sits". Try to give your characters different "voices". For me Charles is a short thick man, easily riled, maybe balding. That's description, by the way, that you should put into the scene. John comes across as more self-righteous,
reserved, educated. I think that "dispose of" adds a slightly classier air than "throw away".

From the short segment, I can't speak to your story. But in terms of the scriptwriting, I've provided lots of notes to help you focus on to improve your next draft. Good luck.
 
Last edited:
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g

Thankyou so much for your feedback. to tell you the truth, i wrote this today on my work break. i know i made alot of mistakes but you gave me alot of useful tips. I posted this primarily to get judged by my dialogue and story arc.


The way you see John and Charles is exactly how I wanted them viewed as. John is self righteous and holds himself in a social pedestal. Charles was supposed to be an old man desperate man, thinking not with his brain, but with his heart. I should have wrote that in my scene description but i was such in a hurry. But thankyou for your helpful feedback
 
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Other than what has already been covered, you say that this is a horror flick yet you reveal your killer in the opening. This might work better as a thriller where the detective struggles to prove what he already knows, that Charles is the killer. I would need to read more to give an informed opinion on your story.

Keep at it.
 
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TheEpitomeofAverage said:
JOHN
Pleasure to meet you, now my wife
tells me you wanted to ask me a
few questions




JOHN
Pleasure to meet you, now my wife
tells me you wanted to ask me a
few questions




CHARLES
Yes, I do. If that's not a bother?




JOHN
Of course. Ask whatever you'd
like



Charles stops himself and pulls out a cigarette and a
lighter




CHARLES
Is it too much trouble if I....


JOHN
(cutting Charles OFF)
No, not at all. Make yourself
comfortable





Charles lights his cigarette and starts smoking



CHARLES
Do you have a family John?



JOHN
Yes I do. You've seen my wife



CHARLES
But do you have children?



JOHN
Yes, I have a son and a daughter.
And yourself?




CHARLES
I have a wife. And a son. He's my life
I would do anything for him


JOHN
Of course


CHARLES
Well good. Now you can sympathize
with me. You see, My son, my only child. His name is Mark. I have
spoken with my son everyday since the day he was born. Last week, I
remember a conversation I had with him. During the last conversation with
my son, he told me he was coming to Paradise for business. He obviously would be staying at an
Inn. It just so happens that you own the only hotel, motel, inn, whatever this is, in Hughesville.
That was the last time i've spoke with my son. So there lies the connection. Our unfortunate
incident



JOHN
Yes, it is unfortunate


CHARLES
Is there anything you can tell me
that would help me find my son?




JOHN
You know how many guests check in our Inn a day?
Hundreds. I don't know if it's the weather, or the
name of this town, but people seem to like visiting here. Lawyers,
Doctors, husbands, wives, businessmen. All types of customers.
So i apologize if I don't remember your son. If I had anything
productive to tell you about your son, I would have
already told it to the police when they paid me a visit
yesterday afternoon. You know better than to go around
town playing detective, asking questions when you're not ready
to hear the answers.




Charles puts out his cigar




CHARLES
It's not about hearing answers I
don't want to hear, it's about
finding the truth. The police
don't give a damn whether my son
is found alive, or found face down
in a puddle of his own blood.
If you know anymore than what you're letting
on, just tell me
Click to expand...

This is all too 'on the nose' which is a sure sign of inexperience which a company, agent, proffessional will smell strait away and throw away to be honest. Don't fret though, screenwriting is a craft and all crafts can be mastered, it just comes with practice so keep at it, you will evolve in time. Here is my point:

JOHN
Pleasure to meet you, now my wife
tells me you wanted to ask me a
few questions




CHARLES
Yes, I do. If that's not a bother?




JOHN
Of course. Ask whatever you'd
like



Charles stops himself and pulls out a cigarette and a
lighter




CHARLES
Is it too much trouble if I....


JOHN
(cutting Charles OFF)
No, not at all. Make yourself
comfortable





Charles lights his cigarette and starts smoking



CHARLES
Do you have a family John?



JOHN
Yes I do. You've seen my wife



CHARLES
But do you have children?



JOHN
Yes, I have a son and a daughter.
And yourself?




CHARLES
I have a wife. And a son. He's my life
I would do anything for him


JOHN
Of course


CHARLES
Well good. Now you can sympathize
with me. You see, My son, my only child. His name is Mark. I have
spoken with my son everyday since the day he was born. Last week, I
remember a conversation I had with him. During the last conversation with
my son, he told me he was coming to Paradise for business. He obviously would be staying at an
Inn. It just so happens that you own the only hotel, motel, inn, whatever this is, in Hughesville.
That was the last time i've spoke with my son. So there lies the connection. Our unfortunate
incident



JOHN
Yes, it is unfortunate


CHARLES
Is there anything you can tell me
that would help me find my son?




JOHN
You know how many guests check in our Inn a day?
Hundreds. I don't know if it's the weather, or the
name of this town, but people seem to like visiting here. Lawyers,
Doctors, husbands, wives, businessmen. All types of customers.
So i apologize if I don't remember your son. If I had anything
productive to tell you about your son, I would have
already told it to the police when they paid me a visit
yesterday afternoon. You know better than to go around
town playing detective, asking questions when you're not ready
to hear the answers.




Charles puts out his cigar




CHARLES
It's not about hearing answers I
don't want to hear, it's about
finding the truth. The police
don't give a damn whether my son
is found alive, or found face down
in a puddle of his own blood.
If you know anymore than what you're letting
on, just tell me
 
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TheEpitomeofAverage said:
JOHN
Pleasure to meet you, now my wife
tells me you wanted to ask me a
few questions




CHARLES
Yes, I do. If that's not a bother?




JOHN
Of course. Ask whatever you'd
like



Charles stops himself and pulls out a cigarette and a
lighter




CHARLES
Is it too much trouble if I....


JOHN
(cutting Charles OFF)
No, not at all. Make yourself
comfortable





Charles lights his cigarette and starts smoking



CHARLES
Do you have a family John?



JOHN
Yes I do. You've seen my wife



CHARLES
But do you have children?



JOHN
Yes, I have a son and a daughter.
And yourself?




CHARLES
I have a wife. And a son. He's my life
I would do anything for him


JOHN
Of course


CHARLES
Well good. Now you can sympathize
with me. You see, My son, my only child. His name is Mark. I have
spoken with my son everyday since the day he was born. Last week, I
remember a conversation I had with him. During the last conversation with
my son, he told me he was coming to Paradise for business. He obviously would be staying at an
Inn. It just so happens that you own the only hotel, motel, inn, whatever this is, in Hughesville.
That was the last time i've spoke with my son. So there lies the connection. Our unfortunate
incident



JOHN
Yes, it is unfortunate


CHARLES
Is there anything you can tell me
that would help me find my son?




JOHN
You know how many guests check in our Inn a day?
Hundreds. I don't know if it's the weather, or the
name of this town, but people seem to like visiting here. Lawyers,
Doctors, husbands, wives, businessmen. All types of customers.
So i apologize if I don't remember your son. If I had anything
productive to tell you about your son, I would have
already told it to the police when they paid me a visit
yesterday afternoon. You know better than to go around
town playing detective, asking questions when you're not ready
to hear the answers.




Charles puts out his cigar




CHARLES
It's not about hearing answers I
don't want to hear, it's about
finding the truth. The police
don't give a damn whether my son
is found alive, or found face down
in a puddle of his own blood.
If you know anymore than what you're letting
on, just tell me
Click to expand...

This is all too 'on the nose' which is a sure sign of inexperience which a company, agent, proffessional will smell strait away and throw away to be honest. Don't fret though, screenwriting is a craft and all crafts can be mastered, it just comes with practice so keep at it, you will evolve in time. Here is my point:




JOHN'S WIFE
John, this is Charles. He would like to ask you a few questions about the disapearance of his son.

John and Charles study each other for a moment.


CHARLES
If that's not a bother?



JOHN
Not at all.



John pulls out a cigarette and takes a seat.



JOHN
Would you like someting to drink?



CHARLES
No thankyou.

JOHN
Come now it's a storm out there. You'll catch your death. (to wife) Honey, put some coco on for Mr Robinson here.

Charles is jolted.

JOHN'S WIFE
Of course.

She gets up and puts the kettle on.

CHARLES
Sir, how do you know my name?


JOHN
Well, my wife told me-

CHARLES
No sir, how do you know my family name?

John lights his cigarette and starts smoking.


JOHN
Well I must of heard it around town now, didn't I.

Charles glares a John.


CHARLES
Do you have children?


JOHN
Yes, I have a son and a daughter.


CHARLES
And what would you do for them, sir, if they were in trouble?


JOHN
Anything.


CHARLES
Well that's what I'm willing to do, John. Anything. You see, My son is our only child. His name is Mark. And he called me last week to tell us that he was coming to Paradise for business. Me and his mother was so happy to see our child again after so long. No matter how old they get, they're always your baby.
(Charles chokes for a moment)
He told us he would be staying at a motel. Your motel, John. We never heard from him again.


JOHN
Well I don't recall a Mark Robinson.

Long tense silence.


CHARLES
I'd like to see you books if that is alright with you, sir?




JOHN
I'm afraid I can't do that Charles.




CHARLES
And why not?

JOHN
Well, alot of people stay at my motel. Some prefer to stay anonymous. Cheating husbands, town whores. You understand.

CHARLES
No, sir. I'm not sure I do.

Charles is obvious in his suspition. John smirks.


I'll leave it there. So try and get into the characters heads and what they are thinking in response to eachother rather than what you want the reader so hear. Let the characters lead you.
 
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Quick question as I was reading this... is it important to give each action it's own line?

Even in a spec script? Or is it mainly when it switches characters and they perform an action, or...?

Tom walks to the kitchen and cleans a few dishes. Mary walks in and gives him a hug from behind. Tom turns around, picks her up and spins her in the air.


Would something like that be okay to leave as is? Or do you want to separate the actions? For a spec script that is.

Thanks~
 
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righter said:
Quick question as I was reading this... is it important to give each action it's own line?

Even in a spec script? Or is it mainly when it switches characters and they perform an action, or...?

Tom walks to the kitchen and cleans a few dishes. Mary walks in and gives him a hug from behind. Tom turns around, picks her up and spins her in the air.


Would something like that be okay to leave as is? Or do you want to separate the actions? For a spec script that is.

Thanks~
Click to expand...

Separate.
 
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righter said:
Quick question as I was reading this... is it important to give each action it's own line?

Even in a spec script? Or is it mainly when it switches characters and they perform an action, or...?

Tom walks to the kitchen and cleans a few dishes. Mary walks in and gives him a hug from behind. Tom turns around, picks her up and spins her in the air.


Would something like that be okay to leave as is? Or do you want to separate the actions? For a spec script that is.

Thanks~
Click to expand...

I would say keep it together based on the sequence of action, or how you want the reader to visualize it. Eg:

Tom walks to the kitchen and cleans a few dishes. Mary walks in and gives him a hug from behind. Tom turns around, picks her up and spins her in the air.

Josh watches his parents from the doorway.

Mary and Tom kiss. They then notice Josh gazing at them. Mary gets back to the dishes. Tom takes a seat at the table and waves Josh over.
 
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Okay I get ya. Mainly just keep a flow of things, and keep it easy to visualize for the reader. If something else happens that's not really related to the current set of actions, separate it.

Thanks.
 
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Hey, it's great that you're buzzing over these pages, but first scene from first screenplay?
Is this the first draft too?

My first several screenplays were TERRIBLE. I didn't know the proper format, hadn't read any produced scripts and was writing more with a literature narrative style.
But at least you can get feedback.

That's what's important: you can throw pages out there and get some damn good advice. I'd suggest that you take it.
Joining a proper screenwriter group - on-line or in the physical world - would help you immensely. Don't lose heart over any negative comments on your FIRST screenplay because most writers think your first TEN are likely to be crap/learning curves.
There's nothing wrong with going back and fixing stories you love once you get your craft down, but study the craft more first.

Remember: 1 page = 1 minute. If you have bulky descriptions you'll end up with a 400 page epic that nobody will ever want to look at.
Cut down on your words, listen to how real people speak and then leave out the stupid/boring sh1t because your screenplay doesn't need it.

Good luck.
 
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