Finally got around to reading it.
(I'll not go into Formatting TOO much, only that of which falls more into aiding the script, rather than addressing preference)
So here it goes...
ACTION
Straight from the bat we're introduced to the exterior of a home (EXT. HOUSE - DAY)
However, although the ACTION of the characters bodes well. You've yet to create the "scene". YOUR scene. Give it character. Short, sharp description and detail to bring what YOU want US to see. Weather. Surroundings. Sounds. (Remember not to go overboard, balance/pacing is everything. Be sharp and informative)
Where are we? -Rundown neighbourhood/Small Village/Cobbled street etc.
What does the house look like? - Any recognisable traits that would necessitate mentioning to our benefit.
CHARACTERS
As mentioned above regarding your ACTION. Description, that would best allow us to picture your CHARACTER is missing. This is very, very important. If we can't IMAGINE your character, we cannot RELATE. You have to give us as much as you can while maintaining the structure/pacing.
I've noticed you've referred to characters both in the ACTION and CHARACTER as 'The Cyclist' and 'A Man'. Although it's entirely personal preference if your intentions are to produce this yourself. It can quite easily deter to the reader and pollute the pacing of your action
DIALOGUE
The DIALOGUE would benefit from a read through. Naturalistic dialogue is both tough to accomplish and to ultimately maintain. Beware of your characters becoming fog-horns for your story, for explaining their actions. Expository dialogue is something you should always be aware of.
An example in the first section.
THE CYCLIST
.....yeah. I'm just about to go out on the bike. Going to explore the area a bit, check out the trail Mitch was on about.
Read it back. It reads as though he's answering his own questions. But not only that, he's TELLING us what he's about to do next.
"...Yeah. I'm just about to go out on the bike" - We could have come to that conclusion by what we SEE on screen.
"I'm going to explore the area a bit..." - Again, we'd have come to this conclusion in the next few scenes, when he was riding through the various locations.
SHOW, don't TELL.
Just to clarify. As of this minute (before the dialogue) we're outside of the door, watching this man struggle through holding a bicycle. I'd imagine that he has some form of cyclist attire which would give us the indication - aswell as him approaching/mounting his bicycle - that this is something he does for a living/hobbie.
Again, another example further in the script.
Read back the dialogue of OLDER MAN in his exchange with THE CYCLIST regarding the "fall". Notice the uncommon persistance to mention the "fall" and convey the "kindness". We can SEE this. You have to remember as a screenwriter, you're writing for the screen. It's what we SEE and HEAR. Not what we're told.
This is something that we've all done at sometime, so don't worry. It's purely practice. But once you get it, it will transform your material.
Let your ACTION do the talking.
For example. Toward the latter of the exchange with THE CYCLIST and OLDER MAN, there is the perfect opportunity for you to utilise your ACTION, aswell as giving depth/realism to your character/atmosphere.
THE CYCLIST
You're right. My name's Steven by the way.
Could be. (Bare in mind I'm purely going from what I've read)
The Cyclist reaches out his hand in welcome, still groggy from the accident.
THE CYCLIST
Steven.
Older Man takes his hand hesitantly and clears his throat. They shake.
OLDER MAN
Um. Yeah. Barry--
The handshake ends.
Older Man awkwardly places his hands on his hips, and kicks dirt with the tip of his boot.
OLDER MAN
-- 'from 'round here then? 'Don't think I've seen ya.
Also. Don't be afraid to reveal the charactes name. I've just come across the character OLDER MAN has now changed to BARRY. It was quite confusing from a readers perspective. So, don't worry about revealing his name. His age/look can/should be translated in the ACTION.
Characters don't always have to be in capital letters. Only when they first appear on screen.
There is alot of heavy use of names in the dialogue. Trim that down. How many times do you use someones name when speaking to them? Be harsh with your read throughs.
CAMERA DIRECTION.
Baring in mind this is a shooting script, Camera Direction is perfectly fine. But put it in the appropriate section. "SHOT".
It just makes it challenging for the reader to recognize what's ACTION and what's DIRECTION.
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I enjoyed it. I had to read the twist a few times to appreciate its intent and new perspective, but it worked well.
There's times of great dialogue and storytelling. You've just got to work on it.
Good read, bud.
