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Feedback on a 6 page script?

cameronchapman

cameronchapman

Just wrote up a quick short based on an idea I had last night. I'm hoping to actually film this later this week. It's a one-person short (I'll probably be acting in it), kind of experimental with a very loose storyline and an ambiguous ending. I wrote it specifically to be easy to film and require minimal locations, minimal props (only things I have on hand right now, though I may swap out some of the props if I can think of/find cooler things), and minimal equipment.

Anyway, here's the link to the full script. I'd love whatever feedback anyone cares to give!
 
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And thank you for not finding it necessary to show the suicide with the AE muzzle flash, blood spray, etc.
I look forward to seeing it. I think it'll either be poignant as hell or totally wtf-baffling as in "Wait, I didn't get it..."
 
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I don't know if this is the case here, but whenever a film gets The Palme d'Or, we see all these new artists following the trend... (of the winner).

Terrence Malick was a substitute this year :)
 
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kinglis said:
I don't know if this is the case here, but whenever a film gets The Palme d'Or, we see all these new artists following the trend... (of the winner).

Terrence Malick was a substitute this year :)
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Not the case at all, and I'm not really seeing much similarity between the Palme d'Or winner and this, other than it's dealing with a sudden death. Besides, I don't have CGI dinosaurs, scenes set in space, or any depiction of the afterlife. :P
 
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I think you are a good writer who really puts thought into cleaning up a script until its perfect. I liked the image of not seeing the woman entirely, i saw hands, feet, side of head, shaggy hair covering her face, that sort of thing and this intriged me. I liked the mystery of the packages. I think its clever what you have done with the end. most open end gives us an emotional responce as long as it narrows down the questions we are left asking however in this case I found the questions were way too broad and made me feel no emotion, lost and stupid in empty space (which is what i think you were going for) and for that i commend you. However i think something is missing even from the something missing if you know what i mean...

i think what could add to it is we never see the woman entirely until after she puts the package under the bed and looks into a full length mirror and maybe the actor can pull off the lost feeling you are going for...
 
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A (lame) Hollywood film (sorry, guys) wins an award and then we see films copying the style...

Of course your film isn't on the same level, Cameron (don't flatter yourself :))
I hope you weren't inspired by the V.O. of The tree of life
 
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kinglis said:
A (lame) Hollywood film (sorry, guys) wins an award and then we see films copying the style...

Of course your film isn't on the same level, Cameron (don't flatter yourself :))
I hope you weren't inspired by the V.O. of The tree of life
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Considering I've never seen The Tree of Life, definitely not (in fact, I had to look up who won the Palme d'Or this year, as I don't really follow that kind of thing). And it's not like it was the first film to ever use a V.O...
 
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kinglis said:
Just write your story without V.O., plz...
I promise you, It'll be much better...
Cut the dialogue to the max minimum too :)
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I don't know why it would be better - maybe for you as an audience member but I think changing the V.O. will take away the ambiance the short currently has than say if she was talking to herself while opening up the packages.
 
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I like the script.

I'm also in favor of keeping the V.O. There's something about repetition and V.O. I think it can work. "Hiroshima mon amour" and "Last year in Marienbad" actually consist of repetitive V.O. and hypnotic camera movements.

But you should lose the 1st one: "It's been 4 days since you killed yourself". The audience should be able to guess that from the rest. It will be like a twist ending.

Maybe you can break the monotony of the package openings by suggesting with a few shots what she does the rest of the day. A twilight shot would shot would show the passing of time.

With the right music it could make a nice melancholy contemplative piece with close-ups of the trinkets. Those should be visually interesting. The last one could bring some closure. I was thinking of some wind-up toy. It would dance to some nostalgic tune and bow at the end.
 
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Theodebernacius said:
But you should lose the 1st one: "It's been 4 days since you killed yourself". The audience should be able to guess that from the rest. It will be like a twist ending.
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Dissenting opinion. I like that line a lot. Might notta got the story without it -- and even if I did get the story, I still like the line.

And because of the tone and atmosphere of this piece, I don't think a twist ending is appropriate.

The more I think about it, the more I like this script. So the question is Ms. Filmmaker, can you do it justice? Personally I think that's a lot of pressure -- but that's the fun right? Right?

My dos centavos.
 
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brianluce said:
... I like that line a lot. Might notta got the story without it -- and even if I did get the story, I still like the line.

And because of the tone and atmosphere of this piece, I don't think a twist ending is appropriate.
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Agreed.

I think this is a melancholy "sad state of affairs" story.
No cute twists.
No surprise endings.
No buttoned up questions with answers.
Just... an acknowledgement of what-a-effed-up-situation-this-is sort of story.
A "Not asking. Just telling." story.
 
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brianluce said:
Dissenting opinion. I like that line a lot. Might notta got the story without it -- and even if I did get the story, I still like the line.

And because of the tone and atmosphere of this piece, I don't think a twist ending is appropriate.

The more I think about it, the more I like this script. So the question is Ms. Filmmaker, can you do it justice? Personally I think that's a lot of pressure -- but that's the fun right? Right?

My dos centavos.
Click to expand...

rayw said:
Agreed.

I think this is a melancholy "sad state of affairs" story.
No cute twists.
No surprise endings.
No buttoned up questions with answers.
Just... an acknowledgement of what-a-effed-up-situation-this-is sort of story.
A "Not asking. Just telling." story.
Click to expand...

I agree with both of you. I want this to be understated and simple, because I feel like it will be more powerful that way. And now I'm feeling the pressure to do something great. :eek:

On a positive note, I've got my set pretty much done, other than getting some sound-deadening materials into it. And if it stops raining, I can get the exterior shots I need (my porch roof leaks, so no going out with my camera if it's raining). I'm hoping to have a rough cut done next week.
 
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