• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Feedback on a 6 page script?

cameronchapman

cameronchapman

Just wrote up a quick short based on an idea I had last night. I'm hoping to actually film this later this week. It's a one-person short (I'll probably be acting in it), kind of experimental with a very loose storyline and an ambiguous ending. I wrote it specifically to be easy to film and require minimal locations, minimal props (only things I have on hand right now, though I may swap out some of the props if I can think of/find cooler things), and minimal equipment.

Anyway, here's the link to the full script. I'd love whatever feedback anyone cares to give!
 
Sort by date Sort by votes
I like it! It's reminding me of a short story I read fairly recently, but I can't remember what it was (which took a decidedly horror slant as the packages just...kept...coming....I don't think the character killed himself in that one). Anyway, it's a good read, and I can't wait to see how it comes out. Only thing I would change is this:

WOMAN (V.O.)
Of all the things you could have sent
me, you send me this.

I'm not sure this line is really necessary, and comes across a little cheesy to me. Other than that though, I loved it!
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
The story is good. The way you've written it, have kept me reading it...
But, if you wanna impress me, get rid of the V. O. and the chatter box :)

Why do you need to tell me, when you can show me :)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I like the writing style. As a producer, it's very easy to read. I don't like VO as a driving narrative (personally). I'm also not personally a big fan of open ended story lines... I really want a conclusion to the story. I do understand the intention of trying to get the audience to make that determination for themselves, but I would come away from the screening dissatisfied with the ending. Especially when I sense it should be very poignant.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
knightly said:
I like the writing style. As a producer, it's very easy to read. I don't like VO as a driving narrative (personally). I'm also not personally a big fan of open ended story lines... I really want a conclusion to the story. I do understand the intention of trying to get the audience to make that determination for themselves, but I would come away from the screening dissatisfied with the ending. Especially when I sense it should be very poignant.
Click to expand...

I guess that's kind of what I'm going for, though. That this person committed suicide and has left this woman behind, and so she's kind of lost. But I may try to give it a bit more of a "finalized" ending.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I'm the worst example of a film studies student ever. I don't like experimental film that much... I'm a much larger fan of popcorn/explosion films. So for me it's a type of film that I don't like... which is not the same as the concept being bad. I like mushrooms, but not gizzards - both are conceptually odd things to eat, but some folks like them in differing combinations.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
knightly said:
I'm the worst example of a film studies student ever. I don't like experimental film that much... I'm a much larger fan of popcorn/explosion films. So for me it's a type of film that I don't like... which is not the same as the concept being bad. I like mushrooms, but not gizzards - both are conceptually odd things to eat, but some folks like them in differing combinations.
Click to expand...

I know what you mean. I'm a fan of experimental shorts, but for features I want a story, a coherent plot, and plenty of entertainment.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I kinda liked it actually. Though I think you should replace the V.O. dialogue and have the character read from a letter. Hint at the persons suicide throughout and then deliver the final blow at the end. Also you should end it opening the door to the porch and the character seeing no more packages.

This is all my opinion, so disregard it if you like. (Y)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Hi, Cameron

What a pleasant little queer story!
I think you'll have a lot of fun shooting this yourself.

Having performed the voice overs in a couple of my own shorts recently I definitely advise, that good or bad, you should go ahead and include them, just for production experience.
There's so much going on with audio clean up, filtering, and editing timing that it just adds a whole new rich level of consideration to your production.

Do you have audio editing software?

Headzup - go ahead and find now whatever background music you want to include.
Again, this goes with the timing thing and how you'll potentially want to have certain shots match up with certain elements of the music.
This also means you're best off recording your voice over first, run a few high and low pass filters just to tweak it's gross quality, then start deleting inhalation sounds and tinkering with delivery timing by adding or subtracting fractions of seconds to the recording.
Save your final.

It's bizarre but worthwhile.

THENNNN I'd start shooting once I had a pretty good idea of how much time I needed to record for.
Shooting for live action and shooting for animation, which when doing 100% VOs this is actually closer to, are completely different critters.

GL & GB

Ray


PS. Story-wise, be very careful not to shoot those first couple of scenes terribly clichéd:
- camera on front steps 90° to front door, centered, package centered.
- door opens, all the audience sees are the woman's shins to shoes.
- hands come down and dead snatch the brown paper package.
Uggggh! Spare me, puhleeeeaze! ;)
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0 Downvote
I really liked it.

The only thing that I would suggest is to put more description into the woman's feet. No, not for a fetish of mine, but that is what we mainly see of her. Does the short start with her feet well manicured and as the days go on her personal hygeine upkeep becomes less and less as she seems to get more and more lost? Or is her personal grooming habits a constant while she is in a state of limbo?

I'd keep the V.O. though maybe add a few wrylies as to how her mind thinks - is she more excited over one of the suicides mentioned over another. Does one hurt more as it reminds her of his/her suicide?

Other than that, great job.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I would call this a vignette, not a short story. I'm not usually a fan of impressionistic stuff like this, but this is still one of the better things I've read around here. I think you're a good writer. Feedback? I dunno, it is what it is. I think someone else mentioned it, but it'd be interesting to try and shoot this without dialogue -- or at least far less dialogue. Perhaps you can play with it in the edit.

The line the resonated was "I'm not strong enough to follow you". I think that might be your story. I liked that bit.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
brianluce said:
I would call this a vignette, not a short story. I'm not usually a fan of impressionistic stuff like this, but this is still one of the better things I've read around here. I think you're a good writer. Feedback? I dunno, it is what it is. I think someone else mentioned it, but it'd be interesting to try and shoot this without dialogue -- or at least far less dialogue. Perhaps you can play with it in the edit.

The line the resonated was "I'm not strong enough to follow you". I think that might be your story. I liked that bit.
Click to expand...

I think I'm going to cut as much of the dialogue as I can from the final edit. I'll record all the V.O. bits so I have them to work with, but I agree that it's probably going to be too much in the final version. I'll have to see what seems to work and what doesn't in post.

And that line pretty much is the story. It's about her having to let go after this person she cared about offed themselves, because she can't bring herself to do it, too. I'm leaving it really ambiguous, though, because to an extent it's also about how after something so traumatic, nothing really makes sense. Hence all the weird gifts that don't make sense, but the whole time you're going to be trying to assign some meaning to them, and make them more important than they really are.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top