Feedback Appreciated (3pg excerpt only)

[Kinsler]

I have written a longer script - the length varies depending on editor/export format, but currently in the region of 60 pages. I know what I am trying to do in each scene, but I need the occasional opinion poll on realism.

The scene I've linked to below is a short one, and it shows how two students move from a-bit-more-than-friends to a-bit-less-than-a-couple. I would greatly appreciate opinions on how realistic the situation/interaction is. Obviously you don't know the characters, but does anything jump out as unrealistic.

MARK has invited EMILY out to a Bonfire Night event...
LINK

On last note, I have a very strong image in my mind when I write, so it is written like a shooting script.

 

[Marshall_Tyler]

Generally scripts don't establish the type of shots that will be used, but rather focus on characters, action, story and focalization. Other than that, everything else looks okay.

 

[EmilyNancyJean]

I like it alot There is a lot of character and flow between these two, and their cute flirtations make me do the stereotypical girly 'awwwh ', so I say you've done well

 

[wheatgrinder]

This 45 year old father of 6 says. awwwh..

 

[FantasySciFi]

The dialogue is good. If you're not making this this yourself, do drop the ALL CAP shot a]s it will cause some readers to stop reading your screenplay. Spec(ulative) scripts should not describe shots. You could get around this by gently rewording some of your lines:

BIRD’S EYE TWO-SHOT VIEW OF MARK AND EMILY ON THE GRASS, STARING UP.
     to
Mark and Emily sit on the grass below staring up.

MEDIUM-LONG SHOT, SIDE ON. BONFIRE IS VISIBLE.
     to
There is an awkward moment as she stares at Mark disbelieving beside the bonfire.

WORM’S EYE VIEW OF THE STARRY SKY, MARK’S POINTING HAND IS VISIBLEDURING EXPLANATION.
    to
Mark's hand reaches up and points towards starry sky near Orion sliding over to Taurus.

BRIEF MED-WIDE SHOT OF FIREWORKS EXPLODING OVERHEAD.
    to
Fireworks explode overhead.

If you are the writer/director/producer, it is okay to include camera direction. However, in the US film market, camera directions are strongly frowned upon. The director is the creative agent for interpreting the script visually. The writer is the creative agent for the underlying story.

EMILY kisses MARK.  --> Emily kisses Mark.

Also, it is unnecessary to capitalize Mark and Emily in action lines. While the rules have changed slightly, typically they are only capitalized when a new character is first introduced or if you change a character's identity.

I like the dialogue and presentation very much. These formatting points are just to help you market it more successfully without raising the hackles of some readers. If you're filming this yourself, it's not an issue. Best wishes.

 

[Kinsler]

Thanks for the kind comments. My main question still stands though - is it realistic? Meaning, reading this, do you find yourself thinking "that wouldn't happen". I've often watched things where something jerked me right out of the story and I don't want this scene to be one of them. I know you can't tell whether this is 'in keeping' with the rest of the script, but as a unit is it realistic and highly plausible? I wanted to cheese up the more romantic scenes, but definitely avoid ham.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Thanks for the kind comments. My main question still stands though - is it realistic? Meaning, reading this, do you find yourself thinking "that wouldn't happen". I've often watched things where something jerked me right out of the story and I don't want this scene to be one of them. I know you can't tell whether this is 'in keeping' with the rest of the script, but as a unit is it realistic and highly plausible? I wanted to cheese up the more romantic scenes, but definitely avoid ham.

Be confident when writing. The first rule of screenwriting is to write the complete first draft. There will be tons of time to edit and refine. But it is important to get a complete script BEFORE you start second guessing yourself.

No one can say if it's too fast, too uncharacteristic without the benefit of the rest of the script. So, full speed ahead. Finish it. Then you can invite people to give it a closer read for continuity and characterization. From personal experience, some small changes can ripple outward. It's best to get the story and characters fleshed out before you begin tinkering. Though some writers work best by evolving their characters as they go along. It's a matter of preference.

If I did have a feeling, it was that Mark was more self assured than most "nerdy geniuses" appear in most movies. Personally, I think that's a positive. Having worked with engineering students and scientists, the stereotype that ALL smart people are socially inept is false. I think his being forward about "wanting to see all of her" bucked that notion. However, knowing nothing about them, it's impossible to say if this was an exception or normal for their interactions. For me, the dialogue was well paced and appropriate to their ages. I also think they had distinct voices which is important.

So, complete it. Then go back and overhaul what you think doesn't work. Even if it feels awful, never second guess your first draft. There will be plenty of opportunity later to refine it.