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Example of how i write (comments)

Hey how are you all doing? New member here. So I'll post just a quick example of how i write, I write with passion, but - my grammer editing isn't the best. I would like to find a screenwriter to join with me in my new company www.verystudios.com, to promote both my scripts and those that join the team.

Well this is an example of how i write, its about a young boy in a wheel chair that gets powers from a comic book.

FADE IN:

INT: BEDROOM - NIGHT

We see an autistic boy sitting by the window thinking, looking at POF a pretty girl walking by with a hot sports jock with a jacket, footballer.

INT. INSIDE BOYS BEDROOM

We see the boy sigh and shrug his shoulders, then turn around, he is in a wheel chair he turns and wheels his chair around to near his bed, as we look around the room there are pictures of all his drawings.

Close up- we see him wheel his wheel chair to the side and lay back on his bed and grab a comic book from his side. Its an action hero comic book, (name of comic book – genero the force of good - )

BRENDON
Action hero. How cool.

As he is laying on his bed he flips threw a few pages he his holding up above him, where he looks close up the action hero “genoro the force of good –

BRENDON
The hero always saves the day

He continues to flip threw the comic book – close up he flips threw the pages where we see – close up the comic book here genero cuddles a pretty girl, brendon close up rubs his finger across the picture.

BRENDON
And always gets the girl. ( brendon huffs to himself)

We hear brendons mum from downstairs call out

INT. DOWNSTAIRS

Brendons mum is a stressed out mother ( but loving ) with a son in a wheel chair, whos father left them both. She loves her son – continues with the call out, we see her walk to the stairs and call up to brendan


INT. BRENDANS ROOM

We see Brendan still flipping threw the comic book pages laying on his bed with his bent wheel chair to his left

BRENDANS MUM (O.S)
Brendon don’t forget to take your medication.

Brendon still mumbles to himself. To him he doesn’t even want to think about being in a wheel chair he’s reading his comic book and wanting a different place in his life.

BRENDON
(to himself)
Superhero,..

He rubs his hand along the picture of pretty girl

BRENDAN
Pretty girls only in stories I guess .

Downstairs his mum calls out again

BRENDONS MUM (0.S)
Brendon

Brendon slaps the comic book on his ill felt paralized legs in frustration and calls back to his mum as he opens his nearby draw to the left

BRENDON
(frustrated)
okay mum! Damn would you give me a break,

BRENDONS MUM (O.S)
What did I say?

BRENDON
Nothing mum just same thing you say and I do hundred times a day.


INT. DOWNSTAIRS

We see brendons mum holding onto the stairs with an ear up after she called - not understanding brandons frustration

BRENDONS MUM
Are you okay I’m coming up.

She begins to walk up the stairs

INT. BRENDONS ROOM

Brendon grabs close up blue pills out of his left draws and calls out to his mum

BRENDONS MUM
No its okay mum don’t worry about it… it .. its fine. Don’t worry okay , (to himself ) I’m taking my pills as I always do..

Brendon swallows 5 pills for his treatment of disablity

INT. DOWNSTAIRS

His mum submissivly pulls away from the stairs while sad

BRENDONS MUM
Okay well night… (son)

INT. UPSTIARS - BRENDONS ROOM

We see brendon scull a glass of water to finish his meds, ignoring to answer back his mum

INT. DOWNSTAIRS

We see brendons mum sit down put her hand in her hair then crack bottle of jack daniels and poor a DRINK

BRENDONS MUM
Fuck

INT. BRENDONS ROOM

PICKS up the comin book again but his vision of the comic book has gone funny from the drugs , as he looks at the blurry visions of the comic book he begins to pass out

BRENDON
(dazed)
super hero yer right, not me

he begins to pass out falls back and slapps the book on his stomach still open as he begins to pass out from the meds

BRENDON
Not mee..

We cut to a montage of brendons dreams as he appears in a scene with hot girls around him and he is standing with hot chicks around him as he taps his legs as he is stands

BRENDON
(to himself)
is this real?

A hot girl with lipstick extra strong walks past him

HOT GIRL
You better believe it baby…

BRENDON
Holy shit.

HOT GIRL
Wanna dance

BRENDON
Hell yeah

They begin to dance as they dance and brendon shakes his head and he sweating, he sweats more and more as the girl walks away

HOT GIRL
Whats wrong with you, eww

Brendon puts his arm out as he’s standing on the dance floor as everyone laughin at him on the dance floor, eww as people are pointing at him but he defends himself

BRENDON
Wait. Wait I can walk ,

He looks around as people laugh and point, in his head he hears eww ewww

BRENDON
(in his dream)
no stop stop… stop

he hears eww eww from the girls around him people pointing on the dance floor, even the disc jockey laughs at him

INT. BRENDONS ROOM

We see brendons eyes pof his eyes open in a blur

BRENDONS MUM
Are you… you .. okay.. brendon!

Brendon wakes up grabs his mums arms

BRENDON
(gasps)

BRENDONS MUM
Are you okay.. you were having a nightmare

Brendon sits up then looks over to the comic book flapping to the wind ( close up shows that hot girl from the book) he pushes his mum away

BRENDON
I’m fine mum

His mum gets up and walks to the door to go downstairs

BRENDON
Okay well come down when your ready breakfast is scrambled eggs your favourite

Brendon sits on the bed not answering, his mum concerned

BRENDONS MUM
Are you sure your okay?

BRENDON
(cranky)
I said I was okay mum shit will you give me a break

BRENDONS MUM
Okay sun

She turns and away from brendon down the hall way she wipes her nose with a half tear.

We see Jacob sit up and scratch his head with sum remorse in what he , the way he just talked to his mum as he looks to the door but shes already gone as he hears her walk down the stairs.

He feels a bit sad as he sits up passing- wiping - the sweaty head from his brow

BRENDON
(to himself)
shit

he sits up proper - looks at his lifeless legs

BRENDON
(to himself)
why me?..

he looks at a nearby local nirvana picture

BRENDON
Not the only one okay good for you to say

He picks up his legs with some pain and brings them over the side of bed with some pain the pages of the comic book are swinging away from the wind but there is not much wind. Pages of the comic book are flapping away, brendon plants his legs over the side of the bed. He plants his feet down, he notices his calves are a bit bigger, is it just his imagination?

Close up - he feels his calves, they are a bit bitter and stronger,, close up he looks over and sees close up the super hero page is open with the comic book - his leg calv is big and strong. He looks down - his feet on the the cold wooden ground as close up he almost wiggles a toe but cant he gets cranky and closes the book

BRENDON
(to himself-sarcastic)
Yer right..

He jumps on his wheel chair and begins to wheel out as he looks back- the comic book again opens up to the super hero page he closed. As he stops and looks but then his mum calls again from down stairs

BRENDONS MUM
Brendon I’ts getting cold are you coming?

Brendon thinks to himself and looks at his legs again as he wheel chairs out of his bed room the camera pans to the comic book of the super hero standing in a strong stance , as the book is left open on his bed
 
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You'll find that the criticisms here at IndieTalk are harsh, but fair.

Using proper language, punctuation, capitalizations and correct word meanings is extremely important, especially if you are a writer. As Knightly, RayW and DirectorRik have stated, presentation is everything, and as a writer you don't want to present yourself as an illiterate moron. Besides the fact that you are presenting yourself in a poor light technically you are also telling potential clients that you don't care enough to give your own work your best efforts; if you're not doing your best on your own work why should they believe that you will work any harder for them?
 
Hey, thanks for the feedback and thankyou for the comment of it being entertaining JRsmith :).

This is just a basic ruff draft, the first stage of my writing the next stage I put it into final draft then edit it best I can with spelling. I just wanted to show my first stage of writing, as I only just started on these two script idea's last week.

It sounds like you got the idea - vision of where I am coming from for the movie i.e 16 year old boy, Yes you are correct he has a slight autism side (but maybe I will get rid of the autism mention all together. The kid is also overweight.

I write as I see the movie in my head and draw story boards for the movies aswell - So with some good editing should hopefully go straight to production. As overall I want to get producer credits not just sell the script.

Thanks again for your comments and if anyones interested (in not only editing) but if you have a completed script I'm interested in acomplished writers also.

Cheers
Mark
 
I really hate to quote my darn college screenwriting instructor. However, "we see" really isn't needed in a script.
If you write…

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

An autistic boy sits by the window looking at POF a pretty girl walking by with a hot sports jock with a jacket, footballer…


That says exactly the same thing as "we see an autistic boy"
My instructor was a format tyrant, but she had a point. ;)

Best of luck,
Finders


Hey how are you all doing? New member here. So I'll post just a quick example of how i write, I write with passion, but - my grammer editing isn't the best. I would like to find a screenwriter to join with me in my new company www.verystudios.com, to promote both my scripts and those that join the team.

Well this is an example of how i write, its about a young boy in a wheel chair that gets powers from a comic book.

FADE IN:

INT: BEDROOM - NIGHT

We see an autistic boy sitting by the window thinking, looking at POF a pretty girl walking by with a hot sports jock with a jacket, footballer.

INT. INSIDE BOYS BEDROOM

We see the boy sigh and shrug his shoulders, then turn around, he is in a wheel chair he turns and wheels his chair around to near his bed, as we look around the room there are pictures of all his drawings.

Close up- we see him wheel his wheel chair to the side and lay back on his bed and grab a comic book from his side. Its an action hero comic book, (name of comic book – genero the force of good - )

BRENDON
Action hero. How cool.

As he is laying on his bed he flips threw a few pages he his holding up above him, where he looks close up the action hero “genoro the force of good –

BRENDON
The hero always saves the day

He continues to flip threw the comic book – close up he flips threw the pages where we see – close up the comic book here genero cuddles a pretty girl, brendon close up rubs his finger across the picture.

BRENDON
And always gets the girl. ( brendon huffs to himself)

We hear brendons mum from downstairs call out

INT. DOWNSTAIRS

Brendons mum is a stressed out mother ( but loving ) with a son in a wheel chair, whos father left them both. She loves her son – continues with the call out, we see her walk to the stairs and call up to brendan


INT. BRENDANS ROOM

We see Brendan still flipping threw the comic book pages laying on his bed with his bent wheel chair to his left

BRENDANS MUM (O.S)
Brendon don’t forget to take your medication.

Brendon still mumbles to himself. To him he doesn’t even want to think about being in a wheel chair he’s reading his comic book and wanting a different place in his life.

BRENDON
(to himself)
Superhero,..

He rubs his hand along the picture of pretty girl

BRENDAN
Pretty girls only in stories I guess .

Downstairs his mum calls out again

BRENDONS MUM (0.S)
Brendon

Brendon slaps the comic book on his ill felt paralized legs in frustration and calls back to his mum as he opens his nearby draw to the left

BRENDON
(frustrated)
okay mum! Damn would you give me a break,

BRENDONS MUM (O.S)
What did I say?

BRENDON
Nothing mum just same thing you say and I do hundred times a day.


INT. DOWNSTAIRS

We see brendons mum holding onto the stairs with an ear up after she called - not understanding brandons frustration

BRENDONS MUM
Are you okay I’m coming up.

She begins to walk up the stairs

INT. BRENDONS ROOM

Brendon grabs close up blue pills out of his left draws and calls out to his mum

BRENDONS MUM
No its okay mum don’t worry about it… it .. its fine. Don’t worry okay , (to himself ) I’m taking my pills as I always do..

Brendon swallows 5 pills for his treatment of disablity

INT. DOWNSTAIRS

His mum submissivly pulls away from the stairs while sad

BRENDONS MUM
Okay well night… (son)

INT. UPSTIARS - BRENDONS ROOM

We see brendon scull a glass of water to finish his meds, ignoring to answer back his mum

INT. DOWNSTAIRS

We see brendons mum sit down put her hand in her hair then crack bottle of jack daniels and poor a DRINK

BRENDONS MUM
Fuck

INT. BRENDONS ROOM

PICKS up the comin book again but his vision of the comic book has gone funny from the drugs , as he looks at the blurry visions of the comic book he begins to pass out

BRENDON
(dazed)
super hero yer right, not me

he begins to pass out falls back and slapps the book on his stomach still open as he begins to pass out from the meds

BRENDON
Not mee..

We cut to a montage of brendons dreams as he appears in a scene with hot girls around him and he is standing with hot chicks around him as he taps his legs as he is stands

BRENDON
(to himself)
is this real?

A hot girl with lipstick extra strong walks past him

HOT GIRL
You better believe it baby…

BRENDON
Holy shit.

HOT GIRL
Wanna dance

BRENDON
Hell yeah

They begin to dance as they dance and brendon shakes his head and he sweating, he sweats more and more as the girl walks away

HOT GIRL
Whats wrong with you, eww

Brendon puts his arm out as he’s standing on the dance floor as everyone laughin at him on the dance floor, eww as people are pointing at him but he defends himself

BRENDON
Wait. Wait I can walk ,

He looks around as people laugh and point, in his head he hears eww ewww

BRENDON
(in his dream)
no stop stop… stop

he hears eww eww from the girls around him people pointing on the dance floor, even the disc jockey laughs at him

INT. BRENDONS ROOM

We see brendons eyes pof his eyes open in a blur

BRENDONS MUM
Are you… you .. okay.. brendon!

Brendon wakes up grabs his mums arms

BRENDON
(gasps)

BRENDONS MUM
Are you okay.. you were having a nightmare

Brendon sits up then looks over to the comic book flapping to the wind ( close up shows that hot girl from the book) he pushes his mum away

BRENDON
I’m fine mum

His mum gets up and walks to the door to go downstairs

BRENDON
Okay well come down when your ready breakfast is scrambled eggs your favourite

Brendon sits on the bed not answering, his mum concerned

BRENDONS MUM
Are you sure your okay?

BRENDON
(cranky)
I said I was okay mum shit will you give me a break

BRENDONS MUM
Okay sun

She turns and away from brendon down the hall way she wipes her nose with a half tear.

We see Jacob sit up and scratch his head with sum remorse in what he , the way he just talked to his mum as he looks to the door but shes already gone as he hears her walk down the stairs.

He feels a bit sad as he sits up passing- wiping - the sweaty head from his brow

BRENDON
(to himself)
shit

he sits up proper - looks at his lifeless legs

BRENDON
(to himself)
why me?..

he looks at a nearby local nirvana picture

BRENDON
Not the only one okay good for you to say

He picks up his legs with some pain and brings them over the side of bed with some pain the pages of the comic book are swinging away from the wind but there is not much wind. Pages of the comic book are flapping away, brendon plants his legs over the side of the bed. He plants his feet down, he notices his calves are a bit bigger, is it just his imagination?

Close up - he feels his calves, they are a bit bitter and stronger,, close up he looks over and sees close up the super hero page is open with the comic book - his leg calv is big and strong. He looks down - his feet on the the cold wooden ground as close up he almost wiggles a toe but cant he gets cranky and closes the book

BRENDON
(to himself-sarcastic)
Yer right..

He jumps on his wheel chair and begins to wheel out as he looks back- the comic book again opens up to the super hero page he closed. As he stops and looks but then his mum calls again from down stairs

BRENDONS MUM
Brendon I’ts getting cold are you coming?

Brendon thinks to himself and looks at his legs again as he wheel chairs out of his bed room the camera pans to the comic book of the super hero standing in a strong stance , as the book is left open on his bed
 
I think , thank you again for the replies, I think your missing the point of what I'm trying to say and why I made the site.

I overall want to be a production studio, I am an animator for over 10 years, not only can I use Maya but I can use lightwave. My first 3D program was when I was 16 using lightwave 3.1 the first 3d program, although of course I wont say i'm totally awsome but.

I'm saying even if you think my editing is the best in screenwriting, there are great writers on here.

And my idea is that I add you on the webpage, you join the very studios team and we produce the movie

if you see here

http://www.verystudios.com/writers.html

I add your profile as a writer, with a pic and details experience ect so when we send a script you have a powerful website backing.

thats my overall idea, I'm not about me me , I want to create infact i created a site that we can all join together

on the about me page i plan on putting directors ect. So we can join together, maybe theres a director overseas that has the best shot so we join with him.

That is how do you say my vision

cheers
Mark

I can create a kewl intro animation for your script and everything, i'm not charging anything, i guess maybe even like a literary agent without having an agent.

Not sure what to call it, I'm just saying its not just all about my writing, develped scripts ready to go ; will put it in my writing section/will make a directors section to in about us section in very studios.

You will have your picture up , I will upload your picture, your credentials.

Yer well thats my vision.

Then when you send your script you have a professional backing, I think my website is pretty good it took me a while.

The point is, without my screenwriting , I'm looking for screenwriters, directors, animators.

I think my website warrants a good backing for you to send your stuff.

I'm not good with punctuation, if you can help me even with punctuation in my site if you see any errors

I can be your platform..

I will also create animations and do video editing for free

just want to , well my idea is to join everyone together . With an awsome looking website

for you all to submit your stuff

I do have contacts of investors

so thats what made me start this aswell

but i have only done animations for them.

not sent scripts

join me

:)

I have high 3D animator friends to... I' pretty good but , I have been around along time in 3D animation

especially in Australia

In terms of money, what i want to do as http://ww.verystudios.com

Is i want to do something differernt , we all create it together

And i want to give production credits (tv also) I'm also wanting to create tv shows )

Production credits to the screenwriter, director, 3D artist, and 2D artist.

that is my vision

Now, I'm re-reading my comment. I mean it all, but it's meant to be encouraging, not discouraging. By all means -- push forward with the writing. I'm just pointing out why it's important... as a "writer", you're practicing the craft of "Writing"... carpenters know which nail to use when, painters know which brushes, and cabinetry folks know how to join wood together... these are absolutely your stock and trade as a writer!

Go after them aggressively, learn it all to its fullest. I don't know you from adam, but you've got the big vision ("build an empire") to go after it... do it!


You seem like a kewl dude, and its okay, I know my writing is terrible but I have imagination "but:
My overall goal is to use my graphics website to to create a production company that.

Will create feature films (produce) feature films and also TV - also want to do tv films
like the spelling corporation.

I am also to do in wriiting credits for.

1. will give screenwriter (production credits
2. artists ( production credits

My plan is to produce and give screenwriters credits for feature films (hence more than just one of payments)

I want to create a company that does something different

but I know and everyone knows it starts with a good script

My job is to get the funding and to spread the profits

Its a bit different but thats my vision

I think screenwriters dont get enough.

I do know the industry but and distributors take a huge cut

so as a production company

i want to do something no one else dose

give profits to the writers
directors
and artists

thats my vision

I am also an australian which , production special effects is cheaper here.

this is my vision.

My job is to get the funding, If i have good scripts, and good directors spread all over america

we can do this

Its not even about my scripts

Now, I'm re-reading my comment. I mean it all, but it's meant to be encouraging, not discouraging. By all means -- push forward with the writing. I'm just pointing out why it's important... as a "writer", you're practicing the craft of "Writing"... carpenters know which nail to use when, painters know which brushes, and cabinetry folks know how to join wood together... these are absolutely your stock and trade as a writer!

Go after them aggressively, learn it all to its fullest. I don't know you from adam, but you've got the big vision ("build an empire") to go after it... do it!


I want you on my side - as a director to.
If you want can animate your forum logo

Indie talk

cheers
Mark

As someone who has recently gone through the daunting task of asking for scripts online... Spelling and grammar are the first indicators that a script is about to suck up tons of your time with no return. When presented with a script, you have the first page to impress me (I'm not talking for anyone else, just me)... if I find it at all difficult to make it through the first page, I'll stop reading... you may have presented me the best story in the world, but I don't care... i've got 5 other scripts that are serviceable and readable.

I recently helped out on a 25 page shoot that I was able to read in about 10 minutes... and did a years worth of development work on an abandoned script that the first 5 pages took me 20 minutes to read... One of these projects is in postproduction, the other is back with the writer. I gave him the 10 sets of notes I'd done on it just to be able to walk away. I should have known after 2 pages to walk away... the first indicators that the writer was more interested in their story as a neat thing in their head and not actually the presentation of the script was that the spelling and grammar hadn't been addressed by the writer initially.

I'm a DP. I analyze every frame I shoot once I've shot it. You should do the same with every character you enter into your word processor.

Please don't take offense at this next bit... I want you to improve. I didn't read past 2 things:
1) first post: We see an autistic boy looking...
- make this more active: JOHNNY, an autistic boy of 16 years old, looks out the window blankly. JEANETTE walks into the room hanging on the arm of BIFF, the captain of the football team.
- Autistic children aren't generally relegated to a wheelchair, they tend to be ambulatory, Autism is more of a cognitive functional disconnect than a physical issue (more problems with output and overwhelming input). Google, WebMD and Wikipedia have tons of information on this genetic condition and in a day and age where this information is a touch away on the screen of your phone, or a click away in a browser, there's no excuse to not do your homework... it shows you're really engaged in the story... as do multiple passes at the script to dial in the presentation of the work.

http://www.grammarblog.co.uk/
http://www.dictionary.com/

2) Disorientated: Personal pet peeve... you actually mean Disoriented, which is a feeling of disorientation... Disorientated implies an outside force causing the disorientation. More commonly used in the Queen's English, from what I can tell. To "-tate" is to cause, the d makes it past tense and implies that it was done to the subject of the sentence. The actual word being modified is Disorient, which is simply taken to mean not oriented (although the dis- at the beginning also implies an outside force of some sort -- so perhaps my pet peeve, now that I think about it is due to the redundancy of the pre/suf-fixes). Either way, as a personal pet peeve, I chose not to read past that... and as you can see, I really like words.

A painter loves paint and canvas and color and light... otherwise they wouldn't paint, they'd photograph.
A sculpter loves tools and the medium they work in and the process of creating something beautiful painstakingly from nothing.
A writer loves words and sentences and grammar and lovingly crafting images from them. Love the words, take the time to learn it and get it right.

If all you've got is stories and just like that part... that's fine, but give me 3 or 4 sentences of description of your story and I'll be fine with that... someone else can even write the story for you... but if your'e going to be a writer... BE a writer!

I will work on your logo for the site the top logo make it into a kewl animated log
indie talk brother

i'll work on it,

cheers
Mark

Infact i'll animate it, and rename it www.indietalk.com the best filmmaking community.

I will keep it simple
 
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Infact i'll animate it, and rename it www.indietalk.com the best filmmaking community.

I will keep it simple

Put it in one post.

Im a deslexcickpl selectich....or somting to. But Celtix has a realy good spelling control. And its free...Also I 2 things to say about joure first script.

One: keep writing

Two: Jou put things in joure script that are irrelevant. The things the actors think or there background info is not the things jou put in joure script. The info is not relevant for filming or acting. Its somthing jou put into your character notes.
Making a book and making a script are difrent.

PS....I want to try that drugs the boy uses....where can I get it?
 
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TV: Indietalk is actually not my site specifically, I just work here (the guy to talk to is "Indietalk") ;)

I'm currently good though for my YAFI logo. Working at redoing it with a specific vision in my head right now to blend with the website redesign... but thanks!
 
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