Could definitely use some lightening up. Not sure if it's an option in FCP, but in Premiere you have a "gamma" slider among the Export options. Popping that to .9 or .8 would help a lot, for an across-the-board effect on brightness.
Pretty good story. I'm not sure what the relationship is between the two men, though. I think it would have been a bit more satisfying if their backgrounds had been developed further.