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critique Critique Requested on Short Script

Adeimantus

Adeimantus

If anyone has the time or inclination, I'd be very grateful for any feedback on a short I've just written.

Title: Mantodea
Genre: Horror
Pages: 9

Prescribed limitations:

1. NO budget
2. Around 10 minutes.
3. No more than two characters.
4. Takes place in a cabin in the woods (or nearby).
5. No dialogue (or VERY little -- VO ok)

edit: link to script removed
 
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Yes I guess it depends on the definition and/or how it’s used. I have seen people argue for (screenplay use) nothing (Or everything) already (or doesn’t ever) reside in a state of “is” on screen, like the table (for example) already exists once it’s on screen, others disagree.

-Thanks-
 
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ROC, Chongo

Please accept my humble apologies for not thanking both of you for your comments. I missed them completely.

ROC: I DO like the idea of decapitation. But I was trying to think of a way to have him killed without too much bloodshed or gore or being too difficult to do with FX. In a perfect world, hell yeah, chopping off his head would be the way to go!

Chongo: Excellent point about him being an entomologist. Will fix it. And yes, everyone seems to be unanimous in their dislike of the opening monologue, so that will certainly be revised.

Once again, thanks for reading and for your comments. I appreciate them very much.

-Charles
 
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You're very welcome! I like the script a lot. I getcha on the gore. Smart move.

Maybe you can do something like the axe almost hits his neck when you cut to the porch and you see it fall to the ground and roll to it's position behind a magnifying glass or something clever like that.
 
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Just an update.

I posted a Log Line of MANTODEA to an Australian film site:

http://www.australianshortfilms.com/

A group of young filmmakers in Sydney, Australia called 5th Base Productions (http://www.5thbaseproductions.com/about.html) just picked it up. I'll be signing a contract and they'll be starting pre-production immediately. They look like a talented ensemble and have some pretty nice work out there.

I incorporated several suggestions I received here!

You have my sincere thanks (but not co-writing credit, I'm afraid). :P

Cheers!

-Charles
 
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Buddy,

Been meaning to ask you this.

You've got an incisive mind, a rapier wit, an elegant command of language, a broad life-experience, a strong work-ethic, and a delightful sense of humor (no, I don't want to have your baby).

My question is:

Why the hell aren't you famous?

-Charles
 
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