critique Critique for my short film script

Hi everyone.
This is the first short film script I've ever written. It's the first draft. Initially I did a zeroth draft and then built on it.

Logline: A brilliant but egocentric neurologist is told he has one last chance to improve his bedside manner or face termination.

Page count: 11

It's rough around the edges and needs more refining, I hope the themes and plot aren't too jumbled and it reads fine.
Edit: Added a slightly updated draft
 

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I read some of it. Man that opening sequence with the doctor is, pretty savage lol. Keep it up, from what I read I think that opening scene could be done well. Although I didn’t read much further, (time restraints). Sorry. Just keep re-writing it and improving. The main thing I can say would be to enhance flow. Then after you think you’ve made it flow well enough, go ahead and enhance the flow again just in case. Peace out friend.
 
I read some of it. Man that opening sequence with the doctor is, pretty savage lol. Keep it up, from what I read I think that opening scene could be done well. Although I didn’t read much further, (time restraints). Sorry. Just keep re-writing it and improving. The main thing I can say would be to enhance flow. Then after you think you’ve made it flow well enough, go ahead and enhance the flow again just in case. Peace out friend.
Thank you
 

mlesemann

Staff Member
Moderator
I read it but didn't understand much of it.

On the simple things that need fixing: Fox is variously referenced as Professor, Fox, and Lawrence - which I THINK (but can't swear) are all the same person.

The discussion with Mary - where I THINK he's being taken to task for his shitty manner with patients - is vague.

Throwing around that many names of diseases without any explanation of them is annoying.

And the rest of it is simply unclear.
 
I read it but didn't understand much of it.

On the simple things that need fixing: Fox is variously referenced as Professor, Fox, and Lawrence - which I THINK (but can't swear) are all the same person.

The discussion with Mary - where I THINK he's being taken to task for his shitty manner with patients - is vague.

Throwing around that many names of diseases without any explanation of them is annoying.

And the rest of it is simply unclear.
Yes, Lawrence, Fox and Professor are all the same.

I think I know how to fix the discussion with Mary. I'll take the award showing in the beginning of the scene out and ramp up her anger, more drama better conflict.

I'll fix up and explain the diseases. I guess why they're not explained is because I used to be a med student so there's some bias there.

And it still needs a lot of work
 
A little late to the party but here's my critique: "has potential, but ..."

From a strictly technical point of view, there are several inconsistencies (e.g. the multiple labels for the Prof remarked upon by @mlesemann above) and also some strange use of language [anguishly ?] but they could be tidied up in a rewrite.

The scenes in Fox's home seem to serve no purpose other than to show that Fox is equally obnoxious to his family as his patients ... but that doesn't add anything to the central theme. From a production point of view, that's adding an extra location and an extra character for no extra value.

Then there's a problem with internal coherence.
- Aziz's dialogue suggests that he's at the very beginning of the consultation process, yet it's over and done and he's out the door without any explanation of why he's shouting that Fox is the worst doctor ever (and he's out the door before he says that ... Why wouldn't he say it while still face-to-face in the room?)
- Mary Appleberg, addressing Fox as "Fox" (not Doctor, not Professor) would appear to have a very superior status in the hospital. She's there to fire him, so why would she waste time reading his award certs to him? And then there's a reference to a considerable number of complaints, yet the offer she makes to Fox is to see just one patient, and on just two occasions within one week.
- Tim. Following on from the previous comment, who the hell is he? How come he wields so much power with the hospital committee that he can decide Fox's fate? Why would Fox walk out of his own consulting room on him (leaving him to rifle through Fox's desk)? Other than the threat of outing him, what is it about Tim that would inspire a character such as Fox to confide in him about his black-market drug purchases? And what kind of voodoo did he practise on Fox to suddenly turn him into a relatively pleasant character who ... rings the doorbell of his own house???

Also, while I know it's unnecessarily common for haughty consultants to refer to their patients by case number or disease when discussing them with a third party, I don't think I've ever come across a case where they deliberately refer to them in person by their case number. That would surely have provoked the kind of negative feedback that would have had Fox sacked years ago!

So I think the script needs a lot more development of the relationship between Fox and Tim, with an explanation of how/why Tim can get him to pass his performance review when nobody else could. Get rid of Tilda completely unless she can be included in that development (I can't see how, in such a short screenplay); but maybe make more use of Mary Appleberg, either as someone who wants to keep Fox on the staff despite the other board members, or someone who's trying to get rid of him (and accidentally sends him a saviour in the form of Tim?)
 
A little late to the party but here's my critique: "has potential, but ..."

From a strictly technical point of view, there are several inconsistencies (e.g. the multiple labels for the Prof remarked upon by @mlesemann above) and also some strange use of language [anguishly ?] but they could be tidied up in a rewrite.

The scenes in Fox's home seem to serve no purpose other than to show that Fox is equally obnoxious to his family as his patients ... but that doesn't add anything to the central theme. From a production point of view, that's adding an extra location and an extra character for no extra value.

Then there's a problem with internal coherence.
- Aziz's dialogue suggests that he's at the very beginning of the consultation process, yet it's over and done and he's out the door without any explanation of why he's shouting that Fox is the worst doctor ever (and he's out the door before he says that ... Why wouldn't he say it while still face-to-face in the room?)
- Mary Appleberg, addressing Fox as "Fox" (not Doctor, not Professor) would appear to have a very superior status in the hospital. She's there to fire him, so why would she waste time reading his award certs to him? And then there's a reference to a considerable number of complaints, yet the offer she makes to Fox is to see just one patient, and on just two occasions within one week.
- Tim. Following on from the previous comment, who the hell is he? How come he wields so much power with the hospital committee that he can decide Fox's fate? Why would Fox walk out of his own consulting room on him (leaving him to rifle through Fox's desk)? Other than the threat of outing him, what is it about Tim that would inspire a character such as Fox to confide in him about his black-market drug purchases? And what kind of voodoo did he practise on Fox to suddenly turn him into a relatively pleasant character who ... rings the doorbell of his own house???

Also, while I know it's unnecessarily common for haughty consultants to refer to their patients by case number or disease when discussing them with a third party, I don't think I've ever come across a case where they deliberately refer to them in person by their case number. That would surely have provoked the kind of negative feedback that would have had Fox sacked years ago!

So I think the script needs a lot more development of the relationship between Fox and Tim, with an explanation of how/why Tim can get him to pass his performance review when nobody else could. Get rid of Tilda completely unless she can be included in that development (I can't see how, in such a short screenplay); but maybe make more use of Mary Appleberg, either as someone who wants to keep Fox on the staff despite the other board members, or someone who's trying to get rid of him (and accidentally sends him a saviour in the form of Tim?)
I shelved this script a week ago. But now I realize how weird and incomplete everything was. Planning is something I still definitely have to improve on
Thank you for the feedback.
 
A little late to the party but here's my critique: "has potential, but ..."

From a strictly technical point of view, there are several inconsistencies (e.g. the multiple labels for the Prof remarked upon by @mlesemann above) and also some strange use of language [anguishly ?] but they could be tidied up in a rewrite.

The scenes in Fox's home seem to serve no purpose other than to show that Fox is equally obnoxious to his family as his patients ... but that doesn't add anything to the central theme. From a production point of view, that's adding an extra location and an extra character for no extra value.

Then there's a problem with internal coherence.
- Aziz's dialogue suggests that he's at the very beginning of the consultation process, yet it's over and done and he's out the door without any explanation of why he's shouting that Fox is the worst doctor ever (and he's out the door before he says that ... Why wouldn't he say it while still face-to-face in the room?)
- Mary Appleberg, addressing Fox as "Fox" (not Doctor, not Professor) would appear to have a very superior status in the hospital. She's there to fire him, so why would she waste time reading his award certs to him? And then there's a reference to a considerable number of complaints, yet the offer she makes to Fox is to see just one patient, and on just two occasions within one week.
- Tim. Following on from the previous comment, who the hell is he? How come he wields so much power with the hospital committee that he can decide Fox's fate? Why would Fox walk out of his own consulting room on him (leaving him to rifle through Fox's desk)? Other than the threat of outing him, what is it about Tim that would inspire a character such as Fox to confide in him about his black-market drug purchases? And what kind of voodoo did he practise on Fox to suddenly turn him into a relatively pleasant character who ... rings the doorbell of his own house???

Also, while I know it's unnecessarily common for haughty consultants to refer to their patients by case number or disease when discussing them with a third party, I don't think I've ever come across a case where they deliberately refer to them in person by their case number. That would surely have provoked the kind of negative feedback that would have had Fox sacked years ago!

So I think the script needs a lot more development of the relationship between Fox and Tim, with an explanation of how/why Tim can get him to pass his performance review when nobody else could. Get rid of Tilda completely unless she can be included in that development (I can't see how, in such a short screenplay); but maybe make more use of Mary Appleberg, either as someone who wants to keep Fox on the staff despite the other board members, or someone who's trying to get rid of him (and accidentally sends him a saviour in the form of Tim?)
Agree. Perhaps make Tim, instead of just one patient, the nephew of the hospital director or something. Raise the stakes so instead of Fox just getting fired for mishandling Tim, he could get his license revoked. Also cancer, despite being rough, is a bit played out. If you're a med student, get spicy with it. Not sure they would even refer Tim to neuro at this stage since he would be in palliative, and Tim doesn't seem to give a fk about life or death, since he's pretty lackadaisical about it all. Typically those patients will just forego treatment altogether and go skydiving or whatever
 
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