The Tesla interaction was pretty rushed I agree, I was based on that group of people that hate teslas and Tesla owners. I saw it in the news. They key'em, puncture the tires, etc. I guess I should show that he hates teslas, like a bumper sticker... or something.Well to be honest? It was a difficult read for me because of the all the typos and incorrect script formatting. Too many to count but I guess since you're shooting this yourself and I assume directing it as well, that shouldn't be a problem.
As for the story... First off? I'm not buying Tucker killing the Tesla driver for blocking him. I get that this is a short so you need to get to it quickly, but it just feels like Tucker's a nut-job to me -- which of course, he is but? I feel like a little MORE interaction between him and the Tesla driver needs to happen before he decides to take him out.
Harley on the other hand... Glad Tucker decided to get rid of him since he an obvious racist. But killing Harley doesn't justify Tucker killing the Tesla driver and because he gets away with it in the end? The story doesn't feel that satisfying to me. I walk away from it just thinking there were two nut-jobs out there and there's still one left.
You got Some of the Marine stuff wrong. Trust me, I know. I was in the Navy for 21 years and a lot of it was spent with Marines. He would NOT have gotten what you're calling a "regular military discharge" for what he did -- but? Maybe's lying to Harley. Who knows. There are several kinds of discharges from the Military and a veteran would use the correct terminology.
I'm guessing Harley also has a bit of dementia... LOL.
Finally? I think some of the dialogue is overwritten and there's a bit too much of the "talking heads" syndrome going on without any direction happening during the dialogue which can make for a boring scene.
Good luck with it!
I'll second what @Unknown Screenwriter said re typos and formatting - it's really a tough read.
I also agree that a bit more interaction with the Tesla driver was needed to make the killing feel even a bit earned.
When Harley comes back with the bobcat and says he can't get dirty because he's got church in the morning, I thought maybe he was going to kill Tucker and wanted him to dig his own grave because he (Tucker) is an ass. Certainly if you were to go that route, I'd cut the racism part and just play it for dark humor. Just a thought....
Beyond that, I think you can trim this to under 10 pages. The back and forth between Tucker and Harley goes on for rather too long, in my opinion.
Good luck!
yeah, i know now the flashbacks are tough to decipher. The last sequence of flashbacks is what really happened, the first flashbacks are a lie. that was to show how much of a loon tucker is.As the others have said, it's a struggle to read.
Unlike @Unknown Screenwriter , I wasn't (initially) bothered by the killing of the Tesla driver as I gave Tucker/you the benefit of the doubt and thought we'd get an explanation later on. But we didn't.
And like @mlesemann , I was pretty sure Harley was going to wallop Tucker into the grave with the bobcat, as some kind of vigilante evangelist payback. But he didn't.
After that, it was a rapid sequence of "huh?" moments - like was Tucker taking the Tesla to the same guy Harley had in mind, and if so, how did he know of him. And why did he kill him? And why bother with the fake flashback talking to Harley if you're going to give us a revised version later ... ?
Overall, it feels more like an excerpt from a psychopath's video diary than an actual story. There's combat veteran PTSD potential there, but it's all wasted.
The last sequence of flashbacks is what really happened, the first flashbacks are a lie.
How can i do flashbacks better lol?
Because in the middle of Tucker digging the hole, Harley asks him outright why he's digging a hole. The exchange didn't really come off like Harley was joking with him -- at least not to me.The Tesla interaction was pretty rushed I agree, I was based on that group of people that hate teslas and Tesla owners. I saw it in the news. They key'em, puncture the tires, etc. I guess I should show that he hates teslas, like a bumper sticker... or something.
on Harley's murder, his death wasn't meant to justify a teslas murder, it was meant to demonstrate how crazy, and hypocritical Tucker is. He doesn't think logically, and he's a liar.
why do you think Harley has dementia?
i was thinking of unusual suspects, where we don’t know he’s a blatant liar until the very end.I got that, but a flashback is something "internal" to the person having it, and in such a short work it doesn't make sense to create a whole false flashback sequence when neither the false one nor the real version has any particular relevance to Tucker's conversation with Harley.
If it does have some relevance, you haven't shown it (for a moment, I thought we were going to find out that the "bumper" guy was driving the Tesla, but no ... ) There's nothing in the script to explain why Tucker would bother lying about what happened, and by the time we find out "the truth" we already know that he doesn't need any excuse to kill random strangers - so it makes no difference whether that guy back then bumped into Tucker or his girlfriend, or didn't bump into either of them at all.
Remember that a flashback is a memory, personal to the person having it. We're not that person, so for us it's a scene like any other and needs to be scripted as such. How exactly you make the transition from "now" to "back then" is probably a creative choice best left to the director as preparations are being made for filming.
It might be worth your while watching something like Memento to get some idea of how one person's memories can be distorted, and how a memory of the same event can be shown to change over time.
but i’ll take another look and fix iti was thinking of unusual suspects, where we don’t know he’s a blatant liar until the very end.
Do you mean The Usual Suspects ?i was thinking of unusual suspects, where we don’t know he’s a blatant liar until the very end.