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Crime Thriller Script

sfoster

sfoster

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A few months ago I released a 3 minute short film Criminal Bounds:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo5Yl9kyn8k

Well I've auditioned and now I have a cast for episode 2!
41-B.png


Here is a link to the script for episode 2 - filming next month.
Feedback is welcome

Edit: Updated to reflect new changes from feedback
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9S3QuD0Q4yQWlJRSVdpejRhOU0/edit?usp=sharing
 
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First question: is the purple theme in the costuming deliberate, or just a happy accident? :)

I read the script and parts of it seemed familiar, and I remembered you posted a thread about how people were failing to follow the motivations in your first episode. I didn't watch it at the time, so I just watched it now, and I didn't have any trouble following it: it ran like a cold open from any number of TV shows.

This script seems a bit too busy for me, and probably has too many characters involved. This could be helped by cutting the superfluous "five days earlier" scene, but it is still quite busy. Also, if Vincent is some sort of wannabe boss, isn't it all a bit too easy for Clark to get to him?
 
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maz said:
First question: is the purple theme in the costuming deliberate, or just a happy accident? :)

I read the script and parts of it seemed familiar, and I remembered you posted a thread about how people were failing to follow the motivations in your first episode. I didn't watch it at the time, so I just watched it now, and I didn't have any trouble following it: it ran like a cold open from any number of TV shows.

This script seems a bit too busy for me, and probably has too many characters involved. This could be helped by cutting the superfluous "five days earlier" scene, but it is still quite busy. Also, if Vincent is some sort of wannabe boss, isn't it all a bit too easy for Clark to get to him?
Click to expand...

First off thank you for reading!

The purple was actually blue IRL. I changed it to purple in post :lol:
Purple is the color for the baltimore ravens.

The "five days earlier" scene is essentially for people that didn't understand the first episode. This explains everything that had happened.. and it sets up everything that follows for people who don't want to re-watch episode 1 from a few months ago. It wasn't in the first draft of this script but it seems to help for some people. Hopefully not a mistake.

As for clark getting at vincent.. the head boss arranged the meeting between the two. That's why it's so easy for clark to get there. It's explained in the superfluous beginning :)
 
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sfoster said:
First off thank you for reading!

The purple was actually blue IRL. I changed it to purple in post :lol:
Purple is the color for the baltimore ravens.

The "five days earlier" scene is essentially for people that didn't understand the first episode. This explains everything that had happened.. and it sets up everything that follows for people who don't want to re-watch episode 1 from a few months ago. It wasn't in the first draft of this script but it seems to help for some people. Hopefully not a mistake.

As for clark getting at vincent.. the head boss arranged the meeting between the two. That's why it's so easy for clark to get there. It's explained in the superfluous beginning :)
Click to expand...

I don't think the opening scene adds anything (it might have done in the first episode, but even there it would be spelling things out too much, I reckon).

The setup still puzzles me: if Vincent has "taken charge" against the boss's wishes, then presumably he must be somewhat rogue, and be aware that his position is tenuous. So I don't buy that Vincent is expecting Clark - he's expecting Deon, and Clark arriving is unexpected and should be treated with suspicion, surely? And wouldn't a boss in a new and tenuous position be more paranoid, better guarded etc to prevent some unknown man from walking in? I guess what I'm getting at is that if Vincent is "running things in Balitmore", he would have his own Clark to deal with people like Clark before they get near to him.

Others may disagree, of course, but that's the first plausibility failure for me.
 
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Vincent didn't take charge against anyones wishes. Someone had to fill the power vacuum and vincent did. And as the boss says he can't be replaced easily..

Basically it's like a parent company and baltimore is a subsidiary with loyal employees. If you fire the subsidiary CEO a lot of employees could leave with him, etc easier not to supplant him unless extreme circumstances arise.

clark is an unknown man yes but he is a representative of the main boss. thats not really unknown. sounds like maybe you have a problem with the explanation at the beginning … even with me trying to spell this out apparently people are still getting confused :(
 
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sfoster said:
Vincent didn't take charge against anyones wishes. Someone had to fill the power vacuum and vincent did. And as the boss says he can't be replaced easily..

Basically it's like a parent company and baltimore is a subsidiary with loyal employees. If you fire the subsidiary CEO a lot of employees could leave with him, etc easier not to supplant him unless extreme circumstances arise.

clark is an unknown man yes but he is a representative of the main boss. thats not really unknown. sounds like maybe you have a problem with the explanation at the beginning … even with me trying to spell this out apparently people are still getting confused :(
Click to expand...

It would appear that it's not as clear as you'd like it to be :) The impression I got was that Clark was "new blood" to the organisation in episode 1 (seeing as he appeared to be unknown to Deon, who was otherwise on the verge of a promotion so would I guess be pretty well-connected in the organisation, right?). But then if Clark is known to Vincent already then that doesn't make sense. And also, the scene at the start of episode 2 does nothing to resolve this: Clark is still an unknown.

Or maybe I'm just really stupid. It has been known to be the case :)
 
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Yes clark is unknown to everyone but the boss. Deon is new, just getting brought in but he failed his test. Vincent worked his way up in baltimore - a different town than clark and the main boss do not reside in.

When I said "sounds like maybe you have a problem with the explanation at the beginning" i also mean that perhaps it's not as clear as I'd like it to be.

Any ideas on something different the boss could say? Does having that opening scene really add all this extra confusion instead of allaying it.

I'm not trying to put in a bunch of twists here, it's sad I can't seem to tell a story without confusing half my audience
 
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sfoster said:
Yes clark is unknown to everyone but the boss. Deon is new, just getting brought in but he failed his test. Vincent worked his way up in baltimore - a different town than clark and the main boss do not reside in.
Click to expand...

But again, that goes back to my first point: if Vincent is expecting Deon and then encounters a complete unknown* - who he wasn't expecting, as he states he was expecting Deon - he's not much of a boss if he just lets this stranger waltz into his house and start pushing him around.

* You've stated in the last few posts that he's not unknown to Vincent, and then that he is unknown to Vincent, so I'm a little unclear as to just what the situation is!


When I said "sounds like maybe you have a problem with the explanation at the beginning" i also mean that perhaps it's not as clear as I'd like it to be.

Any ideas on something different the boss could say? Does having that opening scene really add all this extra confusion instead of allaying it.

I'm not trying to put in a bunch of twists here, it's sad I can't seem to tell a story without confusing half my audience
Click to expand...

I think the confusion (for me, at least) comes from the interaction between Vincent and Clark if the former is a boss and the latter is an unknown quantity. It reads more like a couple of old friends. And if The Sopranos taught me anything, it's that you don't walk onto another boss's turf and start disrespecting him :)

What the boss says is perfectly clear - but the fact that there is a three-minute short missing between the first scene and the next does make the whole thing harder to follow (and unnecessarily harder to follow in my opinion). It doesn't seem to serve any purpose beyond acting as a sort of DVD extra to the first episode, and adding another lot of confusion to what is actually a fairly simple idea.

That's my take on it, anyway.
 
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maz said:
* You've stated in the last few posts that he's not unknown to Vincent, and then that he is unknown to Vincent, so I'm a little unclear as to just what the situation is!
Click to expand...

I said "clark is an unknown man yes but he is a representative of the main boss. thats not really unknown." because vincent can infer that clark is showing up at the exact time and place and the way that he is talking that the boss sent clark instead of deon.

I see what you're saying though about the vincent/clark interaction. I'll give that some thought with regards to the dialogue, thanks!
 
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sfoster said:
Maz thanks for your feedback, I updated the script. Mostly the conversation at the beginning and the encounter with Vincent.

I think it's much better and clearer now
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9S3QuD0Q4yQWlJRSVdpejRhOU0/edit?usp=sharing
Click to expand...

I agree, it is a lot better now. I still think that first scene could do with going on a little longer, just to tie the prologue to the main action more tightly:

Code: 
                      BOSS
          This number is a direct line to my
          best hacker. She can do anything
          you need with computers, access
          anyone's system or email. I don't
          want you coming back with excuses
          Deon. This is a big opportunity for
          you to earn my trust.

They walk to the door.

                      BOSS
          Leave in the morning. I've got high
          hopes for you.

Deon leaves. A beat.

                      BOSS
          What do you think?  Can I trust
          him?

Clark emerges from the shadows.

                      CLARK
          We'll soon find out.
 
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