critique Could someone tell me what they think of my script?

[guywhowrites27]

It's a single cam TV comedy (20 pages). This is the first draft, and I know their are typos and the formatting isn't 100% correct. But if someone could tell me if they think it's funny or not, that would be great.
https://read.writerduet.com/EFjd9rTmjiV1SxpMSrmel6Mixg33/777e8494-9f00-4d41-ad0b-b5558bb9b326

 

[CelticRambler]

Well ... I can sort of see that it might appeal to a certain audience ... but sorry to say it did nothing for me. Was put off from the very start as I just don't find that kind of stuff funny.

 

[mlesemann]

I read the first 5 pages, which is my standard sample. I didn't find anything funny.

 

[Jkds]

I don't think it quite works at the moment. I can see the kind of humour you are going for, and some bits showed signs of being funny, but for me, the biggest problem with it is actually the plot. The claw idea is so bizarre (and somewhat crude) that the characters' own silliness and eccentricities are diminished, because their situation isn't relatable. It's hard to empathise with them and in turn, find their interactions humorous.

I think you'd be better off giving them a realistic scenario where they are seemingly a little hard done by. Maybe they are being sued over something that was not entirely their fault, or an accident, so at least then we have a reason to root for them. Their eccentric behaviours as they try to figure a way out of it are then more relatable and funnier. I'd also make the characters themselves a bit more varied and likeable without being too silly or too dark (think of a more Parks and Rec vibe). Even Jack as the narcissist should have some more redeeming qualities if he's to be a main character.

 

[StoneJack]

I can only recommend to make comedy natural rather than unnatural, which most people will find not funny but just bizarre. I read the script and yes it has some moments but generally it is not so funny. I also perhaps see why it is untitled - the only title that comes to mind is something like "Abused Claw Strikes back" or something like that, which itself is probably not so funny at all.

i think you have a nice setup with the broadcaster (Jack), his female boss (4 and the younger female colleague (29). One can think of many funny situations that may happen between 3 of them, like rivalry between the women for another broadcaster, who is nice and attractive (not Jack, but another male character, say Robert, who might be an athletic and sporty type) and both may try to get Jack on their side. Jealous Jack, however, may secretly spoil plans of both of them, to get their affection and to prank the attractive broadcaster (just an example).

For example, when Robert reads news, Jack may give him some completely crazy text, which starts as normal one (so Robert doesn't notice anything at start) but then has some crazy parts, which Robert has to read on live news, just to spoil Robert's work.