critique Could someone tell me what they think of my script?

Well ... I can sort of see that it might appeal to a certain audience ... but sorry to say it did nothing for me. Was put off from the very start as I just don't find that kind of stuff funny. 😒
 
I don't think it quite works at the moment. I can see the kind of humour you are going for, and some bits showed signs of being funny, but for me, the biggest problem with it is actually the plot. The claw idea is so bizarre (and somewhat crude) that the characters' own silliness and eccentricities are diminished, because their situation isn't relatable. It's hard to empathise with them and in turn, find their interactions humorous.

I think you'd be better off giving them a realistic scenario where they are seemingly a little hard done by. Maybe they are being sued over something that was not entirely their fault, or an accident, so at least then we have a reason to root for them. Their eccentric behaviours as they try to figure a way out of it are then more relatable and funnier. I'd also make the characters themselves a bit more varied and likeable without being too silly or too dark (think of a more Parks and Rec vibe). Even Jack as the narcissist should have some more redeeming qualities if he's to be a main character.
 
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