Concept of a screenplay & the first few pages.

[Semiazas]

Hey all, my first post here (:

I have the basic concept of a screenplay.
The working title of the movie is "The Locked Room".
It all takes place in a hotel.

The main premise is that a man wakes up in a hotel with no memory of how he got there. In trying to piece together what happened and get out, he comes into contact with a singer who works their who seems to have multiple personalities, an enigmatic employee who seems to know more than he lets on and the owner of the hotel, who has something of a psychotic streak.
Also involved, is the locked room of the title, wherein two men sit, listening to music and playing chess and discussing things that have happened.

I also have the first few pages written, just some ideas.
If anyone wants to read it, just give me your email and I'll send it your way (:

 

[directorik]

European cinema often has a more introspective, enigmatic approach
than American cinema. From your scene it feels that way to me. The
exchange between William and Orson and then between Adrian and
Orson feels a lot like a Beckett play - a little absurd, kind of
circular. And that continues throughout.

 

[Semiazas]

The
exchange between William and Orson and then between Adrian and
Orson feels a lot like a Beckett play - a little absurd, kind of
circular. And that continues throughout.

Is that a good thing?

 

[directorik]

It is neither good or bad. It's only my opinon based
on what I read.

So have you read a few screenplay? Did you download
the software? Are you going to finish this script?

 

[dlevanchuk]

Read out loud your dialogs. Some of them don't sound right. Lines dont have the flow.

For example

"William: I don’t remember checking in.
Orson: Why are you telling me this?
William: I’m assuming since you knocked on my door that you must work here. Surely you can do something about it?
Orson: I’m afraid I can do nothing about it sir."



Maybe something along the lines of :
===============================
William leans against the door confused and disoriented.

WILLIAM
I .. I don’t remember checking in.

Oscar lifts up an eye brow.

OSCAR
(slowly)
Okaaay..

WILLIAM
Wait, wait.. you work here, right? Can we check the guest register?

OSCAR
I don't have access to guest register.
====================================

William lost his memory. I just don't see the character having there big emotional roller coasters (opens the door, no idea who he is. Then next line gets angry at Oscar for not being helpful).

Keep going with the idea though

 

[Semiazas]

It is neither good or bad. It's only my opinon based
on what I read.

So have you read a few screenplay? Did you download
the software? Are you going to finish this script?

Well, I went out and only got in a while ago
I do wanna finish, and I have the software downloaded, I've not had time to read any screenplays yet.
The trouble is, I'm gonna struggle at finding time, I'm bogged down with schoolwork a hell of a lot =\

 

[directorik]

Just personal opinion, of course, but what you have done,
dlevanchuk, is direct the actors. I actually prefer the original
to your suggestion. However, being only my opinion, you
way may be better of that's what the writer is going for. I
just have an issue with a script that tell the actor not only
how to read lines, where to pause and where to stammer
but what facial expression to use.

When I read Semiazas' dialogue out loud I hear Beckett.

 

[Semiazas]

Just personal opinion, of course, but what you have done,
dlevanchuk, is direct the actors. I actually prefer the original
to your suggestion. However, being only my opinion, you
way may be better of that's what the writer is going for. I
just have an issue with a script that tell the actor not only
how to read lines, where to pause and where to stammer
but what facial expression to use.

When I read Semiazas' dialogue out loud I hear Beckett.

So, you think what I'm doing so far is going on sort of the right lines.
I know I need more of it, but time is certainlly a major issue >.<

 

[dlevanchuk]

I
just have an issue with a script that tell the actor not only
how to read lines, where to pause and where to stammer
but what facial expression to use.

Haha :-D

You should see me on the set! "After three breaths and two eye blinks you need to say your line, GOT THAT???!"

just kidding....

It just something that works for me. I read the line outloud, close my eyes, read it again, and imagine the face of the character, then writing it down. Of course, it all will be rewritten, but it helps me to visualize where the situation is going.
But then again, im still in early stage of learning

 

[directorik]

Any writer who wants to direct the actors on the
page, all the way to stammers, body language and
facial expressions, can do it. If that's what works
for you then you should continue doing it.

If you find that helps you as a director, then it's
all good. If you find actors like this method, then
it's all good.

 

[dlevanchuk]

Shoot.... I'd drink to that