Hi everyone,
I just completed the outline for the screenplay I recently posted the idea for and just wanted to get some feedback.... It'd be awesome if you could let me know which parts you thought were strong, which were weak, if the story as a whole interested you, if it bogged down anywhere for you, if you sympathized with the main character, etc. etc.
If it's too long, just let me know and I'll post the shorter version.
Thanks so much!
Clutter
LILA (26) has dinner with her MOTHER (55) and STEP-DAD. Her mother tells her that she wants to turn the garage into an art studio, so Lila has to clean out all the boxes of stuff she's accumulated in the garage over the course of her life. When Lila balks, her mother gives her an ultimatum: she's going to get rid of whatever is still in there after a month. Pissed, Lila goes into the garage to start the uphill battle against all her junk.
The garage is a mess: boxes and boxes covered in dust and cobwebs. She comes across a day planner that includes the date and time of the interview for her current nightmare of a job. Flashback to Lila at 24: after a horrific night working as a bartender and her hours are cut, she asks her mother if she can move back home, since she won't be able to afford her rent that month. She promises her mother that it's only temporary: she's going to get a real job--which is how she ended up with the nightmare of a job she has today.
Back in the present, Lila takes a bunch of boxes home to her apartment so she can go through them. Her boyfriend, BRIAN (2
, is annoyed by all the new boxes--they recently moved in together and just finished putting everything away. Lila reassures him that the boxes won't be there for long.
Lila finds a book that her high school sweetheart, HUGH, had given her. Flashback to Lila at 15: Hugh (at 15) giving her the book, in a totally romantic moment. In the present, she finds him on Facebook. Later, she meets up with him (now 26) to give him his book back. It's as if they never broke up: they're clearly just as in love with each other as ever. But he mentions that he has a girlfriend.
Back in the garage, Lila comes across a wrist-band from a hospital. Flashback to Lila at 17, putting a drill through her hand. When she goes into shock and her mother discovers her, she's rushed to the hospital. When Lila wakes up, she explains that she did it because she'd been tempted to paint again, but because she isn't good enough, she feels as though it's a waste of time and wanted to prevent herself from ever being able to do so. Her mother sobs, unable to understand.
Lila tells Brian that going through her old stuff is the most painful thing she's ever had to do. He asks why. She tells him that she did a painting in sixth grade that won a national competition, and her life has been all downhill from there: she peaked at the age of eleven. Brian says that if he were her, he'd just be happy about the award and would hang the award-winning painting proudly. Lila gets annoyed at him for not understanding.
Hugh calls up Lila. They end up at his apartment, kissing. Both of them are tempted to leave their respective relationships for each other, but since they had a really bad break up in high school, they decide to just keep seeing each other as friends to see if a relationship between them would work.
Back in her apartment, Brian has pulled out a few boxes of his own. He explains to Lila that it's about time he got rid of some stuff, but he also wants to understand what she's going through. Lila looks incredibly guilty.
Lila comes across another painting. Flashback to Lila at 16: in art class, this painting is up for review. Everyone in class criticizes it harshly, including the teacher. Lila is humiliated. Next up for critique is IMOGEN's (16). Everyone practically has an orgasm over her painting. Lila, however, rips into it, her critique borderlining on a personal attack. Later, at home, she announces to her mother that she's quitting painting.
Lila finds out that Imogen is having a gallery opening, and Lila goes to it, apologizing to Imogen for how she treated her in art class. Imogen receives this apology coolly.
Lila confides in Hugh about how horrible seeing Imogen's work at the gallery made her feel--it's what she once expected to have by this point. He's completely dismissive of her feelings and says that the fact that she gave up painting just means she must not have loved it enough. This digs up the whole reason why they broke up in high school--he was completely patronizing about her desire to be an artist. They realize--for the second time--that they could never work together.
When Lila gets back to her apartment, Brian breaks up with her. He explains that going through all his stuff has made him realize that Lila never really loved him. Lila insists that her own process has made her realize the exact opposite--that she really does love him. Brian doesn't buy it and decides to move out.
Back in the garage, Lila finds a set of paints--now all dried up. Flashback to her at the age of 12, having a private art lesson. The art teacher teaches her techniques that are exactly what were detrimental to her later work in high school. He then steers the conversation towards how artists need to be able to express themselves in all ways, not just artistically, and ends up molesting her. Then he gives her the paints as a present.
Having remembered this, Lila storms into the house, and tells her mother about the molestation for the first time. She's furious with her for not having seen the writing on the wall--because she acted so weird after every art lesson, it must have been obvious that something was wrong. Her mother says that she thought it was typical preteen angst and starts sobbing. Lila leaves with the last of her stuff, saying that she never wants to see her again.
Alone in her apartment--now looking almost like a hoarder's apartment with stacked boxes and piles of crap over the place--Lila finds the award. Flashback to her receiving it at the age of 11: she's so happy, so optimistic. In the present, Lila burns the paints the art teacher gave her and almost burns the award-winning painting, but ends up not being able to.
Lila goes to where the art teacher is teaching now, and catches up with a mother coming out of the house, having just dropped off her daughter. Lila tells her what the art teacher did to her, and the mother, horrified, goes to get her daughter the hell out of there.
In the last box, Lila finds her baby blanket. Flashback to Lila at 4, her mother tucking her in. Lila goes to her mother and tearfully explains that she could never stay mad at her forever. They reconcile, and her mother explains that Lila needs to get back to painting--that what happened with the art teacher is the real reason she gave it up. Lila isn't so sure.
Lila goes to her boyfriend, showing him something he gave her on their first date. She explains that she's kept it this whole time, and that it's one of the only things she has that gives her a warm, loving feeling instead of a sense of bitterness like almost everything else does--i.e. she really does love him. He tells her he still loves her, too, and they make up.
Several weeks later, back at the apartment, all the crap is gone. Lila shoves the few boxes of the stuff she's kept into the closet. She hangs up her award winning painting in the living room.
In the now converted garage--Lila's mother's new art studio--Lila starts painting again for the first time in ten years.
I just completed the outline for the screenplay I recently posted the idea for and just wanted to get some feedback.... It'd be awesome if you could let me know which parts you thought were strong, which were weak, if the story as a whole interested you, if it bogged down anywhere for you, if you sympathized with the main character, etc. etc.
If it's too long, just let me know and I'll post the shorter version.
Thanks so much!
Clutter
LILA (26) has dinner with her MOTHER (55) and STEP-DAD. Her mother tells her that she wants to turn the garage into an art studio, so Lila has to clean out all the boxes of stuff she's accumulated in the garage over the course of her life. When Lila balks, her mother gives her an ultimatum: she's going to get rid of whatever is still in there after a month. Pissed, Lila goes into the garage to start the uphill battle against all her junk.
The garage is a mess: boxes and boxes covered in dust and cobwebs. She comes across a day planner that includes the date and time of the interview for her current nightmare of a job. Flashback to Lila at 24: after a horrific night working as a bartender and her hours are cut, she asks her mother if she can move back home, since she won't be able to afford her rent that month. She promises her mother that it's only temporary: she's going to get a real job--which is how she ended up with the nightmare of a job she has today.
Back in the present, Lila takes a bunch of boxes home to her apartment so she can go through them. Her boyfriend, BRIAN (2
, is annoyed by all the new boxes--they recently moved in together and just finished putting everything away. Lila reassures him that the boxes won't be there for long.Lila finds a book that her high school sweetheart, HUGH, had given her. Flashback to Lila at 15: Hugh (at 15) giving her the book, in a totally romantic moment. In the present, she finds him on Facebook. Later, she meets up with him (now 26) to give him his book back. It's as if they never broke up: they're clearly just as in love with each other as ever. But he mentions that he has a girlfriend.
Back in the garage, Lila comes across a wrist-band from a hospital. Flashback to Lila at 17, putting a drill through her hand. When she goes into shock and her mother discovers her, she's rushed to the hospital. When Lila wakes up, she explains that she did it because she'd been tempted to paint again, but because she isn't good enough, she feels as though it's a waste of time and wanted to prevent herself from ever being able to do so. Her mother sobs, unable to understand.
Lila tells Brian that going through her old stuff is the most painful thing she's ever had to do. He asks why. She tells him that she did a painting in sixth grade that won a national competition, and her life has been all downhill from there: she peaked at the age of eleven. Brian says that if he were her, he'd just be happy about the award and would hang the award-winning painting proudly. Lila gets annoyed at him for not understanding.
Hugh calls up Lila. They end up at his apartment, kissing. Both of them are tempted to leave their respective relationships for each other, but since they had a really bad break up in high school, they decide to just keep seeing each other as friends to see if a relationship between them would work.
Back in her apartment, Brian has pulled out a few boxes of his own. He explains to Lila that it's about time he got rid of some stuff, but he also wants to understand what she's going through. Lila looks incredibly guilty.
Lila comes across another painting. Flashback to Lila at 16: in art class, this painting is up for review. Everyone in class criticizes it harshly, including the teacher. Lila is humiliated. Next up for critique is IMOGEN's (16). Everyone practically has an orgasm over her painting. Lila, however, rips into it, her critique borderlining on a personal attack. Later, at home, she announces to her mother that she's quitting painting.
Lila finds out that Imogen is having a gallery opening, and Lila goes to it, apologizing to Imogen for how she treated her in art class. Imogen receives this apology coolly.
Lila confides in Hugh about how horrible seeing Imogen's work at the gallery made her feel--it's what she once expected to have by this point. He's completely dismissive of her feelings and says that the fact that she gave up painting just means she must not have loved it enough. This digs up the whole reason why they broke up in high school--he was completely patronizing about her desire to be an artist. They realize--for the second time--that they could never work together.
When Lila gets back to her apartment, Brian breaks up with her. He explains that going through all his stuff has made him realize that Lila never really loved him. Lila insists that her own process has made her realize the exact opposite--that she really does love him. Brian doesn't buy it and decides to move out.
Back in the garage, Lila finds a set of paints--now all dried up. Flashback to her at the age of 12, having a private art lesson. The art teacher teaches her techniques that are exactly what were detrimental to her later work in high school. He then steers the conversation towards how artists need to be able to express themselves in all ways, not just artistically, and ends up molesting her. Then he gives her the paints as a present.
Having remembered this, Lila storms into the house, and tells her mother about the molestation for the first time. She's furious with her for not having seen the writing on the wall--because she acted so weird after every art lesson, it must have been obvious that something was wrong. Her mother says that she thought it was typical preteen angst and starts sobbing. Lila leaves with the last of her stuff, saying that she never wants to see her again.
Alone in her apartment--now looking almost like a hoarder's apartment with stacked boxes and piles of crap over the place--Lila finds the award. Flashback to her receiving it at the age of 11: she's so happy, so optimistic. In the present, Lila burns the paints the art teacher gave her and almost burns the award-winning painting, but ends up not being able to.
Lila goes to where the art teacher is teaching now, and catches up with a mother coming out of the house, having just dropped off her daughter. Lila tells her what the art teacher did to her, and the mother, horrified, goes to get her daughter the hell out of there.
In the last box, Lila finds her baby blanket. Flashback to Lila at 4, her mother tucking her in. Lila goes to her mother and tearfully explains that she could never stay mad at her forever. They reconcile, and her mother explains that Lila needs to get back to painting--that what happened with the art teacher is the real reason she gave it up. Lila isn't so sure.
Lila goes to her boyfriend, showing him something he gave her on their first date. She explains that she's kept it this whole time, and that it's one of the only things she has that gives her a warm, loving feeling instead of a sense of bitterness like almost everything else does--i.e. she really does love him. He tells her he still loves her, too, and they make up.
Several weeks later, back at the apartment, all the crap is gone. Lila shoves the few boxes of the stuff she's kept into the closet. She hangs up her award winning painting in the living room.
In the now converted garage--Lila's mother's new art studio--Lila starts painting again for the first time in ten years.
