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Check out this scene we filmed.

I need help rewriting this scene. It's suppose to be a dark comedy but it isn't very funny. I'm not feeling very humorous this week but I got to get this done. Any suggestions would be great! This is just a rough cut and is scheduled for a reshoot as soon as I get the rewrite to the director. Thanks.

http://youtu.be/-DcyagoA1-0
 
I need help rewriting this scene. It's suppose to be a dark comedy but it isn't very funny. I'm not feeling very humorous this week but I got to get this done. Any suggestions would be great! This is just a rough cut and is scheduled for a reshoot as soon as I get the rewrite to the director. Thanks.

http://youtu.be/-DcyagoA1-0
You're right, it's not funny. What was the point? It doesn't tell a story, it's just a sequence of events. And because it starts with negative emotions, it drains the energy from the scene and becomes tedious to watch. It also makes the characters uninteresting. We come into the middle of a scene and come away with he's emotional dead and she's a whiner. Neither a comedy nor dark. Comedy comes from the collision of reality with absurdity.

The initial chit chat is an example of why everyday dialogue doesn't play well on the screen. It seems to drag, even though it probably reads as natural. A lot of it can be cut out. Start with a positive lead. Drop the sign bit. We should also see more care and concern from the actors for each other. He can be exhausted but he still cares for her. She's frustrated by the situation but still adores him. It's that positive energy that captures the interest of the viewer and drives the scene. The dialogue can facilitate that.

He's eating a burrito. It's gooey. She asks how he can eat those things. He says he likes them. I'd drop hints her aunt runs an exclusive establishment in Monterey. How her aunt is rich and can find him work. Then they wouldn't have to live in hotels and eat burritos. He talks about being unemployed. He says he'd do anything to make her happy. Loud squeaking of bed from ceiling. She rants about the sex. She demands to go to Monterey. Have him leave with some resignation. Have her look out the window but we don't see him. Have him walk back in later wearing tight pink short shorts, and open frilled shirt to reveal his chest and a large sombrero and cowboy boots. He has money stuffed around the belt line. He drops down some money, "Enough for three tanks." She gets all aroused and goes to kiss him. He says "not tonight, I'm a little whore ... I mean, sore." She takes a five, waves it slowly in front of him, then sticks it in his shorts. She leads him by the lapels, pulls him into bed and the light goes out. Giggles. Mexican polka music in the background as springs squeak.

You can acknowledge me in the credits. :cool:
 
Comedy comes from the collision of reality with absurdity.

FantasySciFi puts it so eloquently. Both characters need stronger direction. So, she wants to get to Monterrey, alright great run with that. Make her more positive; maybe she speaks faster and is constantly throwing out ideas to him (she's very enthusiastic about the ideas, even if they're stupid), ways they can make money to pay for gas. Meanwhile, his direction is contentment. He's totally fine with sitting in an easy chair and not going anywhere. He easily rebuffs a lot of her suggestions (beg for money? where we're in the middle of nowhere; sell something? sell what? we have almost nothing to our name) until she comes up with one that finally makes a little sense to him. She senses that and works on convincing him to do it. Stronger contrast between the characters will result in a stronger build up throughout the scene.
 
He's eating a burrito. It's gooey. She asks how he can eat those things. He says he likes them. I'd drop hints her aunt runs an exclusive establishment in Monterey. How her aunt is rich and can find him work. Then they wouldn't have to live in hotels and eat burritos. He talks about being unemployed. He says he'd do anything to make her happy. Loud squeaking of bed from ceiling. She rants about the sex. She demands to go to Monterey. Have him leave with some resignation. Have her look out the window but we don't see him. Have him walk back in later wearing tight pink short shorts, and open frilled shirt to reveal his chest and a large sombrero and cowboy boots. He has money stuffed around the belt line. He drops down some money, "Enough for three tanks." She gets all aroused and goes to kiss him. He says "not tonight, I'm a little whore ... I mean, sore." She takes a five, waves it slowly in front of him, then sticks it in his shorts. She leads him by the lapels, pulls him into bed and the light goes out. Giggles. Mexican polka music in the background as springs squeak.

You can acknowledge me in the credits. :cool:

this was great
 
That helped FantasySciFi and murmer. I can see how to twist my story with the structure ideas both of you gave me. Your story idea wouldn't match the overall story line but it helped to see an example of what you meant. Summing it up into your pov really helped as well murmer. I appreciate the time it took to give me great feedback. Thanks!
 
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