Bourne series of indie films

[DRthunderMD]

I will be making my first film in the upcoming weeks and I believe I have a winning idea. The film will be very short and will be shot with a hdd sony handycam. I got the idea from the bourne series but there are also some mafia influences included. I made this into my own, I am not one to steal ideas from other films, I find that quite annoying. Here it is, please leave feedback. Keep in mind this is only a prelude. It is supposed to be around two minutes long. FYI there is no dialog for this film, there will be in the next films following it.

THE TARGET
Camera pans down from night sky into a cu on Anthony. He points to a piece of paper in his hand with a picture of a man on it. The other man standing with Anthony, the hitman, looks at the picture quickly. Anthony hands the hitman the picture and a handful of money. As the hitman walks away the camera turns to a car in the parking lot the two men were meeting in. The camera goes inside the car, occupied by the man in the picture as he watches the transaction. The car turns on and the target leaves the parking lot.
Camera fades out and back in. It is day time now and the camera shows the targets car driving. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a car turn quickly onto the street. The car begins to gain on him. The target turns onto a side street and stops his car quickly. He gets out and runs behind his door. He draws his gun as the hitman's car screeches to a halt. The screen goes black and gun fire erupts. End Credits.

 

[directorik]

One of the problems I have with writers putting in camera
direction is they often make technical mistakes. And then I
start thinking about those mistakes.

So I'll ignore those.

I'm sure that in future episodes you will attempt to avoid
cliches - but this prelude is just one, big cliche. I've seen this
dozens of times. If I were to watch this first episode I
wouldn't be inclined to watch more.

I wonder if your reminder "Keep in mind this is only a prelude"
is good enough. I think you need to capture your audience
with something original and surprising in the first two minutes.

 

[VPTurner]

I don't see an original hook that would make me want to jump to or wait for the next installment. It almost looks like a scene for every hitman movie ever made. What can you do to make it more unique? The Professional had an interesting hook by dragging a 12-year old girl into his world. Bourne lost his identity. Ask yourself, what can you do differently to hook someone into your series?

 

[DRthunderMD]

Yeah, I completely see where you guys were coming from. This whole project is a bit rushed so I can get it in for my college application deadline fast approaching. The prelude is (I know this sounds a bit crazy) actually supposed to be a bit cliche. I wanted to make the audience believe this was just an ordinary action film, and in the next episode I would like to dig in there and get deep performances from what I believe to be potentially good actors. I wanted to make it a bit generic for the first, and in the second completely turn in an unexpected direction to catch everybody off guard. The only problem is making that turn believable and not just some out there twist just for the sake of having a twist. Thanks for the feedback!

 

[directorik]

"a bit rushed" isn't a good way to start a movie project.

In my opinion.

Starting with a generic cliche is a dangerous way to try
build an audience. You very often don't get that second
chance - people give up quickly. There is nothing wrong
with opening with the unexpected.

But if you're more comfortable starting with a generic
cliche then go for it. I deeply respect each creator and
their vision.

I'm curious - why do you prefer to start with something
so generic rather than show the audience right away
that they are going to see something unexpected?

 

[VPTurner]

My advice, then, would be to start with the cliche' if that's your goal, but end that sequence with something completely unexpected even if it takes just a split second to throw me off guard. I've seen many films do that. The Matrix did this to me because I hadn't seen any previews of it before watching the movie, and when he woke up in that future world it caught me completely off guard. Hancock did this, too. Anything that makes me think, "Woah, I didn't see that coming" is what I like as do many others.

Leave the audience thinking, WTF?!? Then you're almost guaranteed to get them to wait for the next installment. Otherwise, my reaction is "meh". (That's an official word now, believe it or not).