I am writing a horror movie and i am going through it and the dialogue (to my opinion) is weak and at time is inorganic. My charactors are moving the story along but there dialogue does not seem "real". How can i rectify this problem.
-
Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.
dialogue Bad Dialogue
- Thread starter me-only-me
- Start date
Let me assure you - EVERYONE - has enough of their own stuff to fool around with, so no one's going to steal either your script or uncopyrightable script idea.
Seriously.
Post... three or four... of the offending pages as a PDF on google docs and you can get fifty eight opinions on the same set of pages.
http://docs.google.com/demo/edit?id=scACpOLLh8JQe9AjOV-p1WSuf&hl=en&dt=document#document
falling.
screams as he falls".
by the killer? Wouldn't he try to
fall without screaming?"
hear what I said?! No -ing words!
SI-LENT-LY. Happy?
but you didn't say anything
about -ly words!
-ly words?
pointy eared half-breed is correct.
Spock nods appreciation to Leonard.
Seriously.
Post... three or four... of the offending pages as a PDF on google docs and you can get fifty eight opinions on the same set of pages.
http://docs.google.com/demo/edit?id=scACpOLLh8JQe9AjOV-p1WSuf&hl=en&dt=document#document
SCOTTY
I think he should scream then fall.JIM
I think he should scream while falling.
LEONARD
Don't use -ing words. Say "he screams as he falls".
JIM
What if he's trying to not be heard by the killer? Wouldn't he try to
fall without screaming?"
LEONARD
Dammit, Jim! Did you not just hear what I said?! No -ing words!
JIM
Chill, Bones. Okay. He falls SI-LENT-LY. Happy?
LEONARD
Can't use -ly words, either.SCOTTY
Begging your pardon, sir, but you didn't say anything
about -ly words!
LEONARD
I know--JIM
So which is it? -ing words or -ly words?
SPOCK
Both.JIM & SCOTTY
Wha... ?LEONARD
I hate to admit it, but the pointy eared half-breed is correct.
Spock nods appreciation to Leonard.
Dialogue Assessment
You've received a lot of good suggestions. As you will notice, everyone has a different take. Ordinary conversation is so redundant that studies have found only 5% of the words are meaningful. Communications studies also find that 55% of what we attend to is visual, 35% auditory, and 10% is kinesthetic. What this boils down to for media developers is that what is seen is often more important in conveying information than what is heard.
Pacing is often about removing the redundancy by cutting to that 5% of meaningful utterance.
MARIA: "I was in the store looking at the sale items and found this lovely purse!" => "I love this purse. It was on sale!"
Admittedly it can make dialogue sound very staccato and terse. This has to be balanced with genre and intent.
RAFAEL: "I am giddy with happiness when I drink in your eyes. Come away with me." may be preferable in a romantic genre to "You're intoxicating. Let's elope!"
Unlike a book, you have a limited amount of pages so dialogue needs to be functional.
As for the voice of characters, I think it is really dependent on the role. Protagonist/Antagonist (main) characters need a distinctive voice. Supporting characters, it can be helpful. Supplemental characters (the "red shirts" that die), not at all. Personally I find it hard to keep my characters straight if they talk too much alike.
While a spec script never targets to particular actors, I find it helps me to visualize an actor/character that I know well that I can 'sit in place' as I write. I might give them the same name as I'm writing and then do a global replace later. What would Dexter or Grissom say/think in this situation?
If it feels weak, I often examine to see if it even needs to be said. Can it be shown? Showing it is more powerful than telling it (demonstration vs. exposition).
I kind of understand what you mean by 'inorganic'. I've seen many bad dialogues that seem rather pointless.
It should be obvious they are friends and this is a repeat performance ("again"). How can we show that Tom is irritated? It may seem like little has changed, but we went from 36 words of dialogue to 16 and expressed the same idea. The whitespace of the action statement ("Tom closes ...") is actually a good thing for many directors/readers.
For me, inorganic dialogue results when there is too much uninterrupted dialogue that belabors a point. It sometimes takes an outside reader to catch the problem. This is because in our own heads as writers, the dialogue is natural. And it may be 'good conversation' ("real") but highly redundant which bogs down a script. Dialogue doesn't need to be real, per se, but must be purposeful.
What part of that is real? The 'real' part is the tension of escape. Did they escape? How? The dialogue's sole purpose is to set an expectation. The 'triquadric modulation chamber' plays an important role so it is used as an 'anchor'. If it didn't, I would not have needed that line. The whole dialogue would have been more like:
It has a totally different feel and urgency. The dialogue is purposeful.
In solving a dialogue problem, have a friend read it out loud for you. Immediately it gives you a sense of the flow. Identify the 'meat'. How can you say this with the fewest words? What is the purpose of the conversation? Can it be shown instead? This helps with many dialogue problems.
If you have a clip of problem dialogue you can post, perhaps you can receive more concrete suggestions from those on this group.
You've received a lot of good suggestions. As you will notice, everyone has a different take. Ordinary conversation is so redundant that studies have found only 5% of the words are meaningful. Communications studies also find that 55% of what we attend to is visual, 35% auditory, and 10% is kinesthetic. What this boils down to for media developers is that what is seen is often more important in conveying information than what is heard.
Pacing is often about removing the redundancy by cutting to that 5% of meaningful utterance.
MARIA: "I was in the store looking at the sale items and found this lovely purse!" => "I love this purse. It was on sale!"
Admittedly it can make dialogue sound very staccato and terse. This has to be balanced with genre and intent.
RAFAEL: "I am giddy with happiness when I drink in your eyes. Come away with me." may be preferable in a romantic genre to "You're intoxicating. Let's elope!"
Unlike a book, you have a limited amount of pages so dialogue needs to be functional.
As for the voice of characters, I think it is really dependent on the role. Protagonist/Antagonist (main) characters need a distinctive voice. Supporting characters, it can be helpful. Supplemental characters (the "red shirts" that die), not at all. Personally I find it hard to keep my characters straight if they talk too much alike.
While a spec script never targets to particular actors, I find it helps me to visualize an actor/character that I know well that I can 'sit in place' as I write. I might give them the same name as I'm writing and then do a global replace later. What would Dexter or Grissom say/think in this situation?
If it feels weak, I often examine to see if it even needs to be said. Can it be shown? Showing it is more powerful than telling it (demonstration vs. exposition).
I kind of understand what you mean by 'inorganic'. I've seen many bad dialogues that seem rather pointless.
Again, in the right context, this may be appropriate. But looking at it, what is the real meat?
It should be obvious they are friends and this is a repeat performance ("again"). How can we show that Tom is irritated? It may seem like little has changed, but we went from 36 words of dialogue to 16 and expressed the same idea. The whitespace of the action statement ("Tom closes ...") is actually a good thing for many directors/readers.
For me, inorganic dialogue results when there is too much uninterrupted dialogue that belabors a point. It sometimes takes an outside reader to catch the problem. This is because in our own heads as writers, the dialogue is natural. And it may be 'good conversation' ("real") but highly redundant which bogs down a script. Dialogue doesn't need to be real, per se, but must be purposeful.
What part of that is real? The 'real' part is the tension of escape. Did they escape? How? The dialogue's sole purpose is to set an expectation. The 'triquadric modulation chamber' plays an important role so it is used as an 'anchor'. If it didn't, I would not have needed that line. The whole dialogue would have been more like:
It has a totally different feel and urgency. The dialogue is purposeful.
In solving a dialogue problem, have a friend read it out loud for you. Immediately it gives you a sense of the flow. Identify the 'meat'. How can you say this with the fewest words? What is the purpose of the conversation? Can it be shown instead? This helps with many dialogue problems.
If you have a clip of problem dialogue you can post, perhaps you can receive more concrete suggestions from those on this group.
ok i just posted the 3 sceans i am having the most problems with so suggestions please.
the link
https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0B_SKV6cT45qDYTBiODYxNTMtNzUwMi00ODViLWJmYjQtMzUzMzMzNzkxMmYy&hl=en
so all suggestions welcomed
the link
https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0B_SKV6cT45qDYTBiODYxNTMtNzUwMi00ODViLWJmYjQtMzUzMzMzNzkxMmYy&hl=en
so all suggestions welcomed
Sorry the link above is bad the actual link is
https://docs.google.com/document/d/...7R_mpSbZx-VU3ZhQc/edit?hl=en&authkey=COGZlZQE
sorry for the inconvenience
https://docs.google.com/document/d/...7R_mpSbZx-VU3ZhQc/edit?hl=en&authkey=COGZlZQE
sorry for the inconvenience
first thing..
when was the last time you actually called someone by name in a relaxed conversation? You do it for emphasis, but nobody just says "What are we doing tonight Alexia?"
Further analyzing that one line shows your writing on the nose..
We can see its night, we KNOW that hes talking to Alexia and we, the reader, already have the "what are they doing?" question in our mind.. so what is the point of that line? I suggest it has none, OTHER then to tell us the name of Alexia. Is it important that we know that name now?
when was the last time you actually called someone by name in a relaxed conversation? You do it for emphasis, but nobody just says "What are we doing tonight Alexia?"
Further analyzing that one line shows your writing on the nose..
We can see its night, we KNOW that hes talking to Alexia and we, the reader, already have the "what are they doing?" question in our mind.. so what is the point of that line? I suggest it has none, OTHER then to tell us the name of Alexia. Is it important that we know that name now?
Further reading.. your doing tons of exposition, stating facts.
For example the Steve on the phone with Ursula bit ... your using the dialogue to tell us how Steve has the hots for Ursula.. Why not SHOW us instead.. you can DRAMATIZE that very easily. Just have Steve SHOW UP at her house while she is in the shower, she gets out, wet, wrapped in her towel and finds Steve leering at her though the chained door... this will give you a scene where you can show the entire relationship, if any, dynamic between them.
Plus, its horror, it should have some pretty skin showing...
For example the Steve on the phone with Ursula bit ... your using the dialogue to tell us how Steve has the hots for Ursula.. Why not SHOW us instead.. you can DRAMATIZE that very easily. Just have Steve SHOW UP at her house while she is in the shower, she gets out, wet, wrapped in her towel and finds Steve leering at her though the chained door... this will give you a scene where you can show the entire relationship, if any, dynamic between them.
Plus, its horror, it should have some pretty skin showing...
Actually I was using the steve and ursula phone call to establish there relationship with each other and ursula's verginity. The reason it is not in person is cause i needed steve in another scean in a diffrent area for more charactor intro's. With the saying Alexia in the first scean it was to establish her name that is it but i see your point i can bring it up later in the script in a difrent way when it is more important. Thank you for the suggestion any more would be appreciated.
Hmm...
Yeah, this dialog needs quite a bit of overhaul.
How many pages total would you say this entire screenplay comes out to be?
Or, how many minutes would you guesstimate the production to be? Give or take ten minutes.
Looking at this I thought a "young person" popped out some of this dialog.
But when I get to the "She hangs up phone and walks into bathroom. She turns on the shower and starts getting undressed just as she is about to step into the shower the phone rings she puts on a robe and goes ansers the phone." plus there's some language in there plus the blood/brains/intestines requests on the other thread and I figured "Nope, no kids. Sounds like an electrical engineer wrote this."
And then there's the expense of an all adult cast:
#1 - ALEXA who "her clothes rip off of her". That'll cost ya extra.
#2 - ALPHONZO
#3 - GEORGE
#4 - URSULIA who "hangs up phone and walks to the bathroom disrobing on the way walks in to the bathroom and closes door behind her". That'll cost ya extra, too.
#5 - STEVE (but that's just a voice over - unless - we get to see him later).
#6 - DETECTIVERE SMYTH
#7 - MICHELLE
#8 - DETECTIVE ROCO
#9 - COACH ROLANDS
"They get into the car and start it up" presumably on the way to the #10 -CORONER
Scene 1: Campfire clearing in forest
Scenes 3: Ursulia's shower & bedroom
Scenes 5: Football field (high school or college?) with a car.
So, I can see you're planning on spending some bucks... er... LOONIES! here for all this - and more!
The script definitely needs some heavy work to be spending this kind of money - in the winter, no less. Brrr!
I know for a personal shooting script typos don't even matter, you're not creating a spec script, but is French more of what you're comfortable writing/speaking in?
Yeah, this dialog needs quite a bit of overhaul.
How many pages total would you say this entire screenplay comes out to be?
Or, how many minutes would you guesstimate the production to be? Give or take ten minutes.
Looking at this I thought a "young person" popped out some of this dialog.
But when I get to the "She hangs up phone and walks into bathroom. She turns on the shower and starts getting undressed just as she is about to step into the shower the phone rings she puts on a robe and goes ansers the phone." plus there's some language in there plus the blood/brains/intestines requests on the other thread and I figured "Nope, no kids. Sounds like an electrical engineer wrote this."
And then there's the expense of an all adult cast:
#1 - ALEXA who "her clothes rip off of her". That'll cost ya extra.
#2 - ALPHONZO
#3 - GEORGE
#4 - URSULIA who "hangs up phone and walks to the bathroom disrobing on the way walks in to the bathroom and closes door behind her". That'll cost ya extra, too.
#5 - STEVE (but that's just a voice over - unless - we get to see him later).
#6 - DETECTIVERE SMYTH
#7 - MICHELLE
#8 - DETECTIVE ROCO
#9 - COACH ROLANDS
"They get into the car and start it up" presumably on the way to the #10 -CORONER
Scene 1: Campfire clearing in forest
Scenes 3: Ursulia's shower & bedroom
Scenes 5: Football field (high school or college?) with a car.
So, I can see you're planning on spending some bucks... er... LOONIES! here for all this - and more!
The script definitely needs some heavy work to be spending this kind of money - in the winter, no less. Brrr!
I know for a personal shooting script typos don't even matter, you're not creating a spec script, but is French more of what you're comfortable writing/speaking in?
it is about 2 hours long and english is my first language (and only). I have a line for funding in the works so money i am not really worried about yet. Funny you should mention electrical engiener i am a trained electrician and my uncle is an electrical enginer. We do get to meet steve in person aactually in scean 6. These 3 sceans are my biggest problems in dialouge. I just can not figure out how to write it better any sugestions there ray. I figured that i would spend a few loonies in getting nudity but nudity and horror go hand in hand. This script is no where near ready i am doing my own rewrites right now but these 3 sceans are a total loss for me to write but i feel there important to the movie. so please help.
it is about 2 hours long and english is my first language (and only).
About 120minutes, eh?
FWIW, most horror shows bounce around the 90 minute mark, so trim what you can!
Hmm...
Here's the deal with the English and grammar bit (anyone else out there in IT-land feel free to correct or supplement), between you and me... I don't even care.
I understand what you mean.
I could A) deliver the line or B) make the shot.
I can see your check not bounce when I deposit it.
However... I am a mean and tough ugly pig. No, really. I am.
Other folks (in front of or behind the camera) may look at this writing and politely decline or, worse, will say nice things but never show up.
In my humble opinion, you will professionally benefit from utilizing some word processing program with spell check, at a minimum.
You will become a better business person as well as a better writer.
Consider spelling and grammar your next trade skill, among others.
I have a line for funding in the works so money i am not really worried about yet.
I respect you, with or without money.
But I also respect your money, or in this case - OPM!
Set aside a generous amount for promotion.
I'm reading/researching too many threads here about how much marketing and promotion costs.
Funny you should mention electrical engiener i am a trained electrician and my uncle is an electrical enginer.
Yay, engineers!
I'm surrounded by them.
They're consistently the nicest people I know.
Now, apply that occupational precision two yerr splellin' an' grammer.
Yuo cant B puttin' scrips un screneplaas n funt of peepl n nut ekspeck then to nut knowtice...
Alright, I'll quit it.
Seriously, though. Spelling and grammar. Your new professional trades.
We do get to meet steve in person aactually in scean 6.
Money, money, money, mo-nnnnney!
MONEY!
Scene, BTW.
These 3 sceans are my biggest problems in dialouge.
Honestly, the setups in each are fine.
Really. No quarrel here.
In scene 1 you're right - it really is the dialog killing it.
In scene 3 the dialog is a little buggered, but the main problem I see is that it really doesn't establish Ursulia as a virgin.
Only that she doesn't want Steve rubbing on her back.
I'm not a virgin, but I don't want Steve rubbing on my back, neither.
So, that whole bit there needs some fundamental re-work to establish your valid intent.
Scene 5 has Michele flipping out.
The detectives are asking one thing and she's replying about another.
They don't care if she is or isn't a slut. Whoopie sh!t. Who cares. (Statement, not a rhetorical question).
"B!TCH! JUST ANSWER THE GD QUESTION! What was your realationship to the victims?!!"
So, if you're establishing that Michelle is a nut-job then great. You're gold.
If not - then you're creating problems where there isn't one.
Otherwise, it looks just like a scene from Law & Order which is fine by me.
Additionally, in the action line the positional relationship from Smyth to Rocco to Rolands needs to be established.
Why are Rocco & Rolands standing apart from Smyth and Michelle?
That was a short conversation, thus walk, to their car parked by the football field.
Sounds like a high school field to me. Certainly not a stadium.
I just can not figure out how to write it better any sugestions there ray.
Conjunctions are your friends!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/mkO87mkgcNo
Yeah is it some thing scary or fun or maybe...
Yeah, is it something scary or fun or maybe... (comma added)
Augmentation? What are we augumenting.
Augmentation? What're we augmenting?
Our selves!
Ourselves!
The spell states that we will be granted specific powers.
The spell states that we'll be granted specific powers.
Are you sure we are ready for this?!
Are you sure we're ready for this?!
Ahhhh George you are such a worry wort.
Ahhhh George you're such a worrywart.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/worrywart
Yeah George it is ok we are ready for such things.
Yeah George it's ok, we're ready for such things. (comma added)
I do. This is simple compared to what we have already done.
I do. This is simple compared to what we've already done.
So what is involved.!
So what's involved! (Period between "involved" and the exclamation point removed).
Do not be such a chicken George.
Don't be such a chicken, George. (Comma added).
Yeah it is simple stuff and we will be much better off!
Yeah it's simple stuff and we'll be much better off!
It is a bull?
It's a bull?
Yeah, you do not... er... DON'T want to sound like this:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4187/saturday-night-live-the-coneheads-at-home
I figured that i would spend a few loonies in getting nudity but nudity and horror go hand in hand.
You da boss, boss.
Spend it where you see fit.
I would suggest that it would be better spent on actually paying for a writer to "polish up" this from where you have brought it and skip the passe/cliche nudity.
I don't think an extra $500 on titties = an extra $500 in net revenue, thus it could be better spent elsewhere.
This script is no where near ready i am doing my own rewrites right now but these 3 sceans are a total loss for me to write but i feel there important to the movie. so please help.
I'll help.
I trust your judgement that these three scenes, among others, are quite crucial.
I suggest the cockroach principle: for every single cockroach you see there are a hundred you don't see. (Not "do not" see! Ha!)
For every deficiency you see in this screenplay (it's never YOUR screenplay; always THE or THIS) there are likely a hundred others your mind fills in.
Find a local college or university English major familiar with screenplay format to clean it up a bit.
Your homework for tonight is NOT to go home and "touch yourself"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Swan_(film)
It's to get a good night's sleep and start working on this tomorrow. Maybe.
G'nite!
GL & GB!
Ray
About 120minutes, eh?
FWIW, most horror shows bounce around the 90 minute mark, so trim what you can!
Hmm...
Here's the deal with the English and grammar bit (anyone else out there in IT-land feel free to correct or supplement), between you and me... I don't even care.
I understand what you mean.
I could A) deliver the line or B) make the shot.
I can see your check not bounce when I deposit it.
However... I am a mean and tough ugly pig. No, really. I am.
Other folks (in front of or behind the camera) may look at this writing and politely decline or, worse, will say nice things but never show up.
In my humble opinion, you will professionally benefit from utilizing some word processing program with spell check, at a minimum.
You will become a better business person as well as a better writer.
Consider spelling and grammar your next trade skill, among others.
I have a line for funding in the works so money i am not really worried about yet.
I respect you, with or without money.
But I also respect your money, or in this case - OPM!
Set aside a generous amount for promotion.
I'm reading/researching too many threads here about how much marketing and promotion costs.
Funny you should mention electrical engiener i am a trained electrician and my uncle is an electrical enginer.
Yay, engineers!
I'm surrounded by them.
They're consistently the nicest people I know.
Now, apply that occupational precision two yerr splellin' an' grammer.
Yuo cant B puttin' scrips un screneplaas n funt of peepl n nut ekspeck then to nut knowtice...
Alright, I'll quit it.
Seriously, though. Spelling and grammar. Your new professional trades.
We do get to meet steve in person aactually in scean 6.
Money, money, money, mo-nnnnney!
MONEY!
Scene, BTW.
These 3 sceans are my biggest problems in dialouge.
Honestly, the setups in each are fine.
Really. No quarrel here.
In scene 1 you're right - it really is the dialog killing it.
In scene 3 the dialog is a little buggered, but the main problem I see is that it really doesn't establish Ursulia as a virgin.
Only that she doesn't want Steve rubbing on her back.
I'm not a virgin, but I don't want Steve rubbing on my back, neither.
So, that whole bit there needs some fundamental re-work to establish your valid intent.
Scene 5 has Michele flipping out.
The detectives are asking one thing and she's replying about another.
They don't care if she is or isn't a slut. Whoopie sh!t. Who cares. (Statement, not a rhetorical question).
"B!TCH! JUST ANSWER THE GD QUESTION! What was your realationship to the victims?!!"
So, if you're establishing that Michelle is a nut-job then great. You're gold.
If not - then you're creating problems where there isn't one.
Otherwise, it looks just like a scene from Law & Order which is fine by me.
Additionally, in the action line the positional relationship from Smyth to Rocco to Rolands needs to be established.
Why are Rocco & Rolands standing apart from Smyth and Michelle?
That was a short conversation, thus walk, to their car parked by the football field.
Sounds like a high school field to me. Certainly not a stadium.
I just can not figure out how to write it better any sugestions there ray.
Conjunctions are your friends!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/mkO87mkgcNo
Yeah is it some thing scary or fun or maybe...
Yeah, is it something scary or fun or maybe... (comma added)
Augmentation? What are we augumenting.
Augmentation? What're we augmenting?
Our selves!
Ourselves!
The spell states that we will be granted specific powers.
The spell states that we'll be granted specific powers.
Are you sure we are ready for this?!
Are you sure we're ready for this?!
Ahhhh George you are such a worry wort.
Ahhhh George you're such a worrywart.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/worrywart
Yeah George it is ok we are ready for such things.
Yeah George it's ok, we're ready for such things. (comma added)
I do. This is simple compared to what we have already done.
I do. This is simple compared to what we've already done.
So what is involved.!
So what's involved! (Period between "involved" and the exclamation point removed).
Do not be such a chicken George.
Don't be such a chicken, George. (Comma added).
Yeah it is simple stuff and we will be much better off!
Yeah it's simple stuff and we'll be much better off!
It is a bull?
It's a bull?
Yeah, you do not... er... DON'T want to sound like this:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4187/saturday-night-live-the-coneheads-at-home
I figured that i would spend a few loonies in getting nudity but nudity and horror go hand in hand.
You da boss, boss.
Spend it where you see fit.
I would suggest that it would be better spent on actually paying for a writer to "polish up" this from where you have brought it and skip the passe/cliche nudity.
I don't think an extra $500 on titties = an extra $500 in net revenue, thus it could be better spent elsewhere.
This script is no where near ready i am doing my own rewrites right now but these 3 sceans are a total loss for me to write but i feel there important to the movie. so please help.
I'll help.
I trust your judgement that these three scenes, among others, are quite crucial.
I suggest the cockroach principle: for every single cockroach you see there are a hundred you don't see. (Not "do not" see! Ha!)
For every deficiency you see in this screenplay (it's never YOUR screenplay; always THE or THIS) there are likely a hundred others your mind fills in.
Find a local college or university English major familiar with screenplay format to clean it up a bit.
Your homework for tonight is NOT to go home and "touch yourself"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Swan_(film)
It's to get a good night's sleep and start working on this tomorrow. Maybe.
G'nite!
GL & GB!
Ray
Last edited:
Much as I enjoyed the 'conjunction junction' video, I think you're talking about contractions...
Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Much as I enjoyed the 'conjunction junction' video, I think you're talking about contractions...
Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
LOL!
Hamn!
You're right.
I hate grammer.
Anyone got a "Contraction Action" video?
I sense that you are deeply committed to this project. I must be honest and say trying to read what you put up is very hard. Even if you are producing this yourself, actors will need to have something that is more formatted like they are used to. PLEASE, invest in a couple books on screenwriting format. On this site you'll find tons of advice on format, formatting software, etc.
Good formatting does three things: (1) it makes it easier for others to read actors/crew/director/etc., (2) the format helps to gauge timing and costs (locations, shots, etc.), and (3) it helps to make clear the elements of the story. Especially if you are expecting to have someone else help you shoot this or you are considering submitting it.
Most first screenplays are never produced. Writers are too busy learning the skills. If you are really enthused about it, prepare a treatment. A treatment is a 3-10 page description of the story, blow-by-blow without the dialogue. You can engage a professional writer to convert it into a screenplay. Or you may find a screenwriter willing to collaborate.
As I said, I tried but had a very difficult time reading what you shared. So to give you some perspective, I have drafted up your first scene as it might appear in a normal script format. I have applied the suggestions I gave you earlier--removing unnecessary words and changed narration to visuals. You can compare this against yours. I am not suggesting that this is the right way or only way.
In proper format, this is just over 4 pages long which translates to roughly four minutes of screen time. Because of the effects, I suspect it would run closer to six minutes. A feature film will be between 90-150 pages long, generally.
I scrapped alot of the dialogue because it was redundant. Some I made into visuals--Alfonzo clucking like a chicken, for example. You'll notice that I had to add a lot of details because the scene gave no information. Part of the purpose of action statements is to help frame shots and describe what the audience would see. Help the audience/actor/director/reader see what's happening. Hopefully the example helps you to see what your script should resemble.
Generally, each action statement translates to one camera shot. In the spec(ulative) script, the writer doesn't describe camera shots. That is generally up to the director. In a production script, the writer may be called upon to supply camera shot information or it may be added by the director/camera crew to the script.
What about the characters--ages? appearance? attire? What does a "Fat Man suit" look like generally? Since this is your first scene, it's okay to use the names. But as pointed out, they need to be used in a more natural way. If you introduced them earlier, then you can remove the names.
One thing that is universally true is that you will need to edit and re-edit your script. I would go back and re-format your script and incorporate the suggestions that others have given you about the scenes. It may sound daunting but it will make it much easier to attract funding and talented professionals. It will also give you a better sense of production elements and costs. Be especially careful of spelling and grammar. Using "Act" and "Scene" is more customary of plays and still used with TV series scripts to mark commercial breaks. They are not needed for feature spec scripts.
While not everyone agrees with the importance of having an 'industry-formatted' script, a well-formatted script (12 pt. Courier with 1 1/2" left margin and 1" top, right and bottom margins with tabs) is a good habit to practice from the very beginning. Especially if you want to advance in motion pictures.
It can be very hard, but really look at how you can tighten your dialogue to the fewest, most meaningful sentences. Apply these ideas to your other scene dialogues.
Good luck with your horror story.
Good formatting does three things: (1) it makes it easier for others to read actors/crew/director/etc., (2) the format helps to gauge timing and costs (locations, shots, etc.), and (3) it helps to make clear the elements of the story. Especially if you are expecting to have someone else help you shoot this or you are considering submitting it.
Most first screenplays are never produced. Writers are too busy learning the skills. If you are really enthused about it, prepare a treatment. A treatment is a 3-10 page description of the story, blow-by-blow without the dialogue. You can engage a professional writer to convert it into a screenplay. Or you may find a screenwriter willing to collaborate.
As I said, I tried but had a very difficult time reading what you shared. So to give you some perspective, I have drafted up your first scene as it might appear in a normal script format. I have applied the suggestions I gave you earlier--removing unnecessary words and changed narration to visuals. You can compare this against yours. I am not suggesting that this is the right way or only way.
Code:
EXT. CLEARING IN WOODS, CAMP FIRE - NIGHT
FADE IN
Three people sit around the campfire. GEORGE (35) is fat with greasy hair. Across from
him is ALFONZO (25) who is thin, tattooed and glances about anxiously. Between them
on an raised log sits ALEXA (30) with a stern appearance in ceremonial robes.
GEORGE pokes the fire with a stick.
GEORGE
What do you have planned for tonight, Alexa?
She gives a thin lipped smile. She stands and heads to a backpack leaning against a
nearby tree.
GEORGE and ALFONZO look to her.
ALFONZO
Will it be something scary or fun?
ALEXA returns with a pack of tarot cards and resumes her place.
ALEXA
Tonight we will perform a spell of augmentation.
ALFONZO's brows furl. He starts to speak but stops himself to avoid appearing stupid.
GEORGE
Augmentation?
Alexa leans in.
ALEXA
The spell will ... enhance us ... grant us powers.
She holds up the deck with slow, deliberate control and display.
George looks back and pokes at the fire.
GEORGE
Are you sure about this?! I just have
a bad feeling.
ALFONZO
George, you are such a worry wart.
Alfonzo gives small clucks like a chicken.
ALEXA
Alfonzo!
(to George)
Are you going to stay or go?
All eyes focus on George.
George heaves a deep sigh and tosses the stick in the campfire.
ALEXA
We each select a card. Then we focus our
thoughts through the cards as we recite
the mourning chant. The powers will flow
from the cards into us!
ALFONZO
Cool! We get powers!
George stares over at Alfonzo.
ALFONZO
What? Don't you think it's cool?
There's a moment of silence. Alexa holds out the pack of cards.
ALEXA
Who will choose first?
Alfonzo reaches out eagerly then pauses. He deliberates then
slowly pulls out a card and looks at it. His face turns chalk
white.
ALFONZO
It's a skull!
(to Alexa)
I'm not going to die now, am I?
ALEXA
No, you twit! It means the power of
the dark arts.
ALFONZO
Cooooooooool!
Alfonzo sits back, holding his chest out with a big grin across
his face.
George snorts, shakes his head at Alfonzo. Alexa holds the
cards across to him.
He hesitates, gulps and selects a card.
GEORGE
A bull?
ALEXA
The power of strength. Nice! Now mine.
Alexa sits back, closes her eyes and draws a card.
ALEXA
The panther. The dark stalker! (beat)
Once we do this, we will be much better
off. Now lets begin!
Each stares at their card with fixed concentration. The firelight
plays on their faces.
Alexa closes her eyes. Alfonzo follows. Hesitantly George does
the same.
They start chanting in unison.
At the pinnacle of the chanting, a flash of cinders shoots from the
campfire.
They stop and open their eyes in horror. Their mouths gape wide but
their voices are mute.
Alexa's body begins to shake as she jerks erect. She screams as her
clothes are ripped from her by invisible hands. Her skin goes pale,
her lips become blood red and her eyes blacken.
Like tendrils, the clothing of the Mistress slowly entwines around her.
George's eyes stare blankly as he begins to convulse. He falls over,
grabs his sides and rocks about in pain. He makes a mighty roar.
His clothes rip from him as his body swells. A zoot suit sprouts about
him as his demeanor becomes more relaxed.
Alfonzo's body is more rigid and marionette like. Pulled to its feet,
the body and face shift between expressions of pain and bemusement.
He covers his face with his hands. He removes them and reveals his face
painted like a skull. His clothes are dark and ill-fitting like an
undertaker's. A mask drops into place.
The FAT MAN (George) and VOODOO (Alfonzo) adjust themselves and look
to MISTRESS (Alexa).
She draws in a deep breath with closed eyes, opens them and smiles a
wicked smile.
MISTRESS
(slow, delicious delight)
Much better off!
The Mistress laughs wickedly as Fat Man and Voodoo smile and glance
between them.In proper format, this is just over 4 pages long which translates to roughly four minutes of screen time. Because of the effects, I suspect it would run closer to six minutes. A feature film will be between 90-150 pages long, generally.
I scrapped alot of the dialogue because it was redundant. Some I made into visuals--Alfonzo clucking like a chicken, for example. You'll notice that I had to add a lot of details because the scene gave no information. Part of the purpose of action statements is to help frame shots and describe what the audience would see. Help the audience/actor/director/reader see what's happening. Hopefully the example helps you to see what your script should resemble.
Generally, each action statement translates to one camera shot. In the spec(ulative) script, the writer doesn't describe camera shots. That is generally up to the director. In a production script, the writer may be called upon to supply camera shot information or it may be added by the director/camera crew to the script.
What about the characters--ages? appearance? attire? What does a "Fat Man suit" look like generally? Since this is your first scene, it's okay to use the names. But as pointed out, they need to be used in a more natural way. If you introduced them earlier, then you can remove the names.
One thing that is universally true is that you will need to edit and re-edit your script. I would go back and re-format your script and incorporate the suggestions that others have given you about the scenes. It may sound daunting but it will make it much easier to attract funding and talented professionals. It will also give you a better sense of production elements and costs. Be especially careful of spelling and grammar. Using "Act" and "Scene" is more customary of plays and still used with TV series scripts to mark commercial breaks. They are not needed for feature spec scripts.
While not everyone agrees with the importance of having an 'industry-formatted' script, a well-formatted script (12 pt. Courier with 1 1/2" left margin and 1" top, right and bottom margins with tabs) is a good habit to practice from the very beginning. Especially if you want to advance in motion pictures.
It can be very hard, but really look at how you can tighten your dialogue to the fewest, most meaningful sentences. Apply these ideas to your other scene dialogues.
Good luck with your horror story.
Thank you fantacy for the suggestions and about the formating the program i got has the formating that way but it did not translate in to google docs for some reason. But i see what i lack now in it thank you for that. Ray you gave me the exact reaction i wanted for michelle. She is dumb and does not get the point of any thing and thinks there is sub text to everything when there is not. So i succeded in her.
Just wanted to poke my head in and give my opinion on Tarentino. Great writer, amazing dialog, but at the same time, I think he's a terrible model, I don't know why his dialog works so well, just because he can do it, doesn't mean we can -- he's like a baseball pitcher with an exotic pitch that only he can throw. You're way better off looking at more mainstream examples like Terry Rossio or David Kopf. Learn to throw a good fastball, and wicked curve, and slider. Stay away from the Tarentino sinker -- because trying to emulate it will sink you.