Hi, Julius
To make this better... Hmm...
Consider your resources.
There's you and two friends, I'm guessing. That's cool.
You have a camera of sufficient quality and a tripod.
Great.
COMPOSITION
Too many shots have the subject dead centered.
- Dead centered walk toward camera on path
- Dead centered push ups, back to camera
- Dead centered push ups, facing camera
- Dead centered reading paper magazine
- Dead centered close up (CU) of the world's best (under-age) assassin
- An over the shoulder (OTS) shot of a computer screen, dead centered
- A just off-centered CU of the screen
- Dead centered zip up of a black bag
- A just off-centered shot of the world's best assassin walking along a path
- Dead centered shot of said assassin falling to ground (Did he pick his head up a bit at the end? He did, didn't he.)
- Final shot's subject is finally not centered, and perhaps the best composed shot in the piece.
Be mindful of the rule of thirds:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rule_of_thirds
Gotta change it up.
Throw in there some more camera angles and movement.
http://www.aber.ac.uk/media/Documents/short/gramtv.html
MOVEMENT
There's three of you. You're not chained to the tripod.
Leave the camera attached to it, collapse the last rung of legs, pick the combo up and move around a bit - SOMETIMES.
A few tripod shots are fine.
And for God's sake don't corrupt your mind thinking shaky, epileptic, jitter-cam adds any sort of "authentic grittiness" to anything.
It doesn't.
It just looks like garbage.
STORY
Ah, the sophomoric irony of the voice over misdirecting us to believe the subject in the frame was the same as that of the voice.
The "difficulty" with such is that only an idiotic audience would find that clever.
The audience needs some sense of control.
Give that control by alluding that the film's primary subject is, at times, passing or interacting with other people.
Guess who's watching whom at that point?
Ah-ha!
SFX
Between the dark background and the brevity of the SFX shot itself the whole thing is missed by a cursory viewing.
The piece is only 45seconds long.
Do it again.
Get the other guy in one or two of the other shots doing what looks like nothing.
Maybe Mr. Brown is walking away from us along on that trail in the first shot as Mr. Blonde walks toward us.
Maybe when Mr. Blonde exits his residence with the guitar case Mr. Brown is discretely watching from a parked car.
Chose a background that allows the head-shot to be easily noticeable.
GL