• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Anyone want to give me some feedback?

insert_cliche_here

insert_cliche_here

Okay, I've gone through a pretty decent amount of threads on here and I've definitely picked up a few things. So thanks to everyone who posts for unknowingly helping me out :)
I've got a few different screenplays that I've been working on for varying amounts of time. I don't think I could ever give any one else control over any of my writing so I'm not trying to write something I can sell. I want to make these movies myself one day, but that day is a loooooong way off.
Anyway, I was just wondering if any one would be so kind as to give me their thoughts on some of what I've done so far. There's a few things I'm not sure about, like scene headings and how to indicate what's happening at the same time as there is dialogue or narration, so any instructions there would be extra appreciated.
The screenplay I've been working on most lately is one I've been meaning to start for ages. I saved what I've written so far (seven scenes) as a pdf in celtx and hosted it on google docs. Here's the link:

https://docs.google.com/fileview?id...GQtMWU5Ni00Zjg5LWE1NmEtODcwOTE4ZmM4YzYz&hl=en

Hopefully I've done it right :/
 
Last edited:
Sort by date Sort by votes
ONE
First thing, before I even read a word is the size of your paragraphs. Ideally, you wanna keep it 3 lines or under. Otherwise it's just so hard to read it's like asking people to chew through a car tire.

The description of the room could be cut down. Since you're planning on shooting it yourself it's not that big of a deal to give props description, but again, it's extra wordage and we're talking screenplays, not novels.

I see always see Voice overs done like this.
GIRL (V.O.)
(Narration)
Talking talking talking talking.

Having the (Narration) is probably optional though. We'll get that it's narration pretty quick because of the dialogue style.

TWO
You don't have to put in (pause). A period can do that, or depending on the words I sometimes use -- like:
BOY
You look really good--not that I'm looking at you like that, but you do. You look good.
The pauses are in there via the punctuation, and the pause I really want to accentuate has the --
Kind of says 'he's embarrassing himself.' Without putting (Embarrasses himself) so stiffly on the page.

GENERAL
Your description isn't bad. For instance I learned a lot about the woman just from the way you set up her room, but you could set up her character in a few sentences instead of a block paragraph of description. For instance, if the bookshelf is important, feel free to acknowledge its presence in the scene, but a book shelf, by implication, houses books. Unless it houses something other than what it implies, you don't have to waste words on saying it has books in it.

You could work on setting scenes a little better, for instance having something going on while Hennesy and Hogan talk at her doorstep. It's sort of a talking heads situation. Sometimes that works, but most of the time, it's where people fall asleep.

This is all I had time for unfortunately. Hope I helped!
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Thanks for your advice Ccolebrook :)

I'm really more of a creative writing kind of person so I guess the descriptive just pushes it's way in there, but I see what you mean, especially if it's all there for my benefit.
I think the narration probably doesn't need to be mentioned so I'll change that.
One question: you said I don't have to put the 'pause' in but does that mean I shouldn't? (If that makes sense)
Actually I have another question, but I'll google it- just not sure what the phrase 'talking heads' actually means lol.
Thanks for taking the time to even read one page man, let alone telling me your thoughts, I super appreciate it :)

ang

p.s. the main characters name is Hennley not Hennesy lol
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Buddy Greenfield said:
Usually I can access Google docs without having to create an account.
Is there a setting you can adjust so anyone can view it?

-Thanks-
Click to expand...

What the hell? *yells at google docs* You can either have it as 'public' 'private' or 'anyone with the link' and I have it set on the latter which is not supposed to require sign in :s You only need to sign in if it's set on private. Weird. I'll just change it to public and hopefully it will work and not be a poo head :)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Just my personal taste/style. I use a lot less description. I would make your paragraph's 70% shorter even. When I read scripts, the one thing I NEVER complain about is lack of description. WHY? because my imagination fills in the details. for example if we have a scene in INT. DIVE BAR - DOWNTOWN - NIGHT
does the reader really need to know the booth in the corner is filled with beer bottles or whatever. We kinda picture something like that. When you go to do a "shooting Script" for production you can add in a lot of detail. However, the script that actors, producer's, agents or whoever will read needs to be easy to read.

Just a suggestion. I would open with a "bang" or something very interesting. NOT in the first 10 pages, NOT on the FIRST PAGE. In the first paragraph.
I hope that helps. Best of luck.

EXAMPLE

INT. Bedroom - DAY

The room was intended to be a small rumpus room or store
room. It has brick walls covered in chipped, off white paint
and scraps of carpet in strategic places.

A girl and a boy are having sex, almost in slow motion. He holds
himself up on one elbow and rests his other hand on her hip,
highlighting the smooth lightness of her skin with the rough
olive of his. She digs her nails into his back and traces
lines down it, breaking the skin. She lifts her head and
kisses him as they each jerk with the motion of their act.
She breathes him in.

GIRL V.O.
Have you ever felt like taking
every part of your life, and who
you are, and crumpling it up like
paper, setting fire to it and
stamping on the ashes until nothing
is left but a black smear on the
pavement? Have you ever stared at a
blank wall for hours, seemingly a
lifetime, with not a single thought
in your fractured little brain?
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
finderskeepers said:
Just my personal taste/style. I use a lot less description. I would make your paragraph's 70% shorter even. When I read scripts, the one thing I NEVER complain about is lack of description. WHY? because my imagination fills in the details. for example if we have a scene in INT. DIVE BAR - DOWNTOWN - NIGHT
does the reader really need to know the booth in the corner is filled with beer bottles or whatever. We kinda picture something like that. When you go to do a "shooting Script" for production you can add in a lot of detail. However, the script that actors, producer's, agents or whoever will read needs to be easy to read.

Just a suggestion. I would open with a "bang" or something very interesting. NOT in the first 10 pages, NOT on the FIRST PAGE. In the first paragraph.
I hope that helps. Best of luck.

EXAMPLE

INT. Bedroom - DAY

The room was intended to be a small rumpus room or store
room. It has brick walls covered in chipped, off white paint
and scraps of carpet in strategic places.

A girl and a boy are having sex, almost in slow motion. He holds
himself up on one elbow and rests his other hand on her hip,
highlighting the smooth lightness of her skin with the rough
olive of his. She digs her nails into his back and traces
lines down it, breaking the skin. She lifts her head and
kisses him as they each jerk with the motion of their act.
She breathes him in.

GIRL V.O.
Have you ever felt like taking
every part of your life, and who
you are, and crumpling it up like
paper, setting fire to it and
stamping on the ashes until nothing
is left but a black smear on the
pavement? Have you ever stared at a
blank wall for hours, seemingly a
lifetime, with not a single thought
in your fractured little brain?
Click to expand...
Sorry though I agree with your view point , I would like to know how can we achieve the 100 pages target for a feature script if we write less description.
padma
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Your dialog and action should fill your script to 100 pages. If it's mostly description, than you have a novel. If you have trouble getting to 100 pages. For example your story ends on page 80, then the structure is flawed. Work needs to be done on the first act or first 25 pages. This is the part that sets up the entire story. Of course low budget features should be under 90 pages. (aiming for 85 minutes of screen time)

There are exception to the small amount of description rule. For example writers like Shane Black and Tarantino have tons of description. However their scripts are usually 130 + pages. And the description is VERY ENTERTAINING. In most scripts description is dull. I hope that makes sense.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top