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Adversary (Short Film) Draft

Adversary2015

Adversary2015

Should I post my screenplay for critique? I know you guys will tear it to shreds, I've seen the other posts where people got annihilated. I've made some changes since the draft Im thinking of posting, mainly small "we see" mistakes and other sentence structure and wording. I can't get to my computer right now to post the most updated version, so I'd really be putting myself out there, but why should I care right.

The 15 page screenplay is about an overweight boy, who aspires to be a professional dancer. His grandfather, an unstable Vietnam vet can't decide whether or not he wants to kill the boy, or support him. He has a condition you see, that he takes medication for. Sudden tragic events have caused him to veer of course and stop taking his meds. Now every day for the boy is a complete mind trick, he doesn't know if he's going to come home to a loving grandfather, or a psychotic maniac. Lately it's been the latter. But the boy still hasn't given up on his dreams. But unless he comes up with a plan quick, he might not be alive to see them come true.
 
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I think there needs to be more background for Ira himself. We know he dreams to be a dancer, but we know almost nothing of his past. His past could serve a good setup for the twist.
 
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Inarius said:
I think there needs to be more background for Ira himself. We know he dreams to be a dancer, but we know almost nothing of his past. His past could serve a good setup for the twist.
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Hmmm. Interesting, It's such a short film, I don't know how I would go about doing that without me putting an irrelevant scene in there. I can't do a flashback to when he is a lot younger, because than that would require an additional actor.
 
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Adversary2015 said:
Hmmm. Interesting, It's such a short film, I don't know how I would go about doing that without me putting an irrelevant scene in there. I can't do a flashback to when he is a lot younger, because than that would require an additional actor.
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Try to do it another way. As FantasySciFi already wrote, you can have him observe something in the basement, that might link him to his past. Think of items that could serve that purpose.
 
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FantasySciFi said:
I would think that a good use of Justine would be for her to come to see Ira. She finds him boarded up and grandpa is dead, perhaps. She calls 911 and the police come.

The ending feels weak. Maybe after the police arrive, he agrees to stay with Justine. When he goes back to pack, he opens his closet to reveal empty pill casings next to a box of rat poison.
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Adversary2015 said:
Thanks for your helpful advice. You said " I would think that a good use of Justine would be for her to come to see Ira. She finds him boarded up and grandpa is dead, perhaps. She calls 911 and the police come. " Question, how would grandpa be dead, or murdered if Ira is boarded up in the basement? I want a good ending to this thing, and I feel like your on to something.

Thanks again.
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Ira has been taking the real pills, dumping them out and re-filling them with the rat poison. That's why Ira has been asking if grandpa has been taking the pills. If he had, he'd already be dead. We find out about the poisoning after the fact when he opens his closet. That's when we see grandpa's empty capsules along with the rat poison. Ira wasn't expecting to be locked in the cellar. He's only freed because of Justine. That's what I was suggesting.

I'm not sure the silk tie flashback is relevant. The sequence of the second flashback is out of order. It doesn't make sense that Justine would rescue him with grandpa calmly eating dinner. That's why I felt it would be better if grandpa was dead when she arrived. When she calls the police they do an investigation while Ira is rushed to the hospital.

I think it's better, if you're going to flashback to his parents, that we hear them screaming then. At the end, I think it would be more powerful if Justine removes him from the competition because of his health. Then we can see his evil side turn its intentions towards her. Though it's implied that he's going to kill her.

I think it continues to take shape. There are spelling errors. "Right side" not "ride side", "Pour" not "poor", etc. It's getting there slowly.
 
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The story is much better. Still spelling and formatting issues. It's a 'paring knife' ;).
Code: 
  on p. 9
                                   FADE OUT:
BLACK
                    DAD
    I don’t want to ever see you doing
    this crap again, it’s for girls!
    Are you a fucking fairy?!
FADE IN:
You can use FADE TO BLACK: . Don't use FADE IN as that's obvious when you start the next scene. Also, since DAD isn't present in the scene, you need to use DAD (V.O.) where V.O. is 'Voice Over'. However, that really feels out of place there. Move it to be with the scene on p. 10 where he dreams about his father. Unless you meant that to be his Grandpa saying that when he swings the bat down.

INT. IRA’S HOUSE (FLASHBACK) - DAY should be INT. IRA’S HOUSE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Check your spelling and grammar: your/you're, etc.
Crevasse is a geological formation ("the crevasse in the glacier was a mile deep"). Crevice is an indention (as in "cracks and crevices"). You get points though for using it! :)

The story is good, the formatting is off but overall very nice work. Very much improved from where it started.
 
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