Thank you for taking the step. Readers look for many things but importantly, the first thing that they notice are formatting, spellling, grammar and page balance. They see these even before the more detailed appreciation of structure, character development, story and dialogue. So you need to attend to those. Your script isn't just telling a story, it is also serving as a production blueprint. Here are a few things to add to your checklist.
SLUGLINES. These have three parts: INT. (or EXT.) Location - Time (DAY, NIGHT)
In your example, you do these wrong in 5 of the 8 times. Understand that in the script, the slugline is a
production tool. It helps an AD (assistant director) track and budget locations and time of day for shots. While it may seem like, "well it should be obvious that it's day/night/etc.", your script goes through many hands. These pros don't have the time to make assumptions. The reader's job is to save these professionals time. As a gatekeeper, if I think it will take too much work, I have to pass on a script. My suggestion, even if filming for yourself, always get the slugline right. These are visible and clear markers of amateur vs. professional.
Also, as a general guide, keep location information together. Only use one dash. So instead of "INT. IRA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING" use "INT. IRA’S HOUSE, KITCHEN - MORNING". Moving general to specific, as you did, is good. As an example of confusion, the slugline above is simply "INT. IRA’S HOUSE - BEDROOM". Bedroom is a location, not a time. Also is this in the morning before he goes down for breakfast or at night after talking to his grandad? Change it to be clear: "INT. IRA’S HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT".
SPELLING & GRAMMAR
Yeah, I know. It sucks to always be told to check spelling and grammar. However, as I mentioned in another thread, some readers are IMMENSE sticklers. If you're doing this for yourself, it doesn't matter. However, if you're submitting anything, especially to a contest or agency, double and triple check. I know I'm sounding persnickety but your first line: "Ira, a chubby boy (16), lays in his bed sound asleep."
There are two English verbs that cause writers tons of problems: sit/set and lay/lie. Lay is transitive, it is something you do to an object--"I lay a book on the bed." Lie is intransitive, it reflects a state of an object--"The book lies on the bed." Similarly, "I set a book on the bed" and "The book sits on the bed".
Also, Ira should have been in all caps in the first sentence since it's his first introduction. So the very first sentence of your script should have read: "IRA, a chubby boy (16), lies in his bed sound asleep."
Now, I'm not saying this to be critical but if you are pursuing this in earnest, realize that every mistake is a tick against the script. And they add up quickly. With 250,000 scripts struggling to be read and made by large studios, you're working to make sure you're not giving reasons to be eliminated off the bat. There are other small problems--commas, apostrophes, etc. Just be aware to check before submitting.
(NB: "He slowly opens his eyes, and smiles." There's no comma.)
First, we all make these mistakes in our first few drafts. I don't care how expert or experienced you are. So to be clear, I'm not talking about your first draft. It's important to get the story down. I'm talking about things you need to catch before you submit. However, the sluglines are critical to attend to even when writing the first draft.
WRITING MECHANICS
Always capitalize your characters' names the first time you introduce them. While you can have generic labels, I often use real names. It's just a personal choice, but it is easier to write RANDY than MIDDLE AGED GUY #1. But be consistent, you then say MIDDLE AGED LADY. Give her a name too. But if you do that, put it in your script. You wrote: "Justine walks through the group. She stops at a middle-aged man." It needs to read: "Justine walks through the group. She stops at RANDY, a middle-aged man." What is middle aged? To most people that late 30s to late 40s. Though those of an older persuasion might put that number a bit higher.
Everyone has their own style, but what I find helpful and have adopted after reading lots of scripts is to describe the location first, then go into the action.
Code:
INT. LOCATION - TIME
Location description and location of the
characters.
Character's action
CHARACTER
(parenthetical)
dialogue
etc.
As an AD (again putting on my production cap), the slugline tells me where and when. The next part tells me about who and what are in the scene. This arrangement helps to quickly develop a scene layout in the reader's mind as well. If I visualize the scene one way, then on the next page am told something totally different, it can pull me out of a story. What you as a writer want to do is set up the image so the flow is uninterrupted from one scene to the next. You don't need to repeat all the details of a room once you've described it. Only if something has changed and it's significant to the story. As an AD (or script supervisor), it's my responsibility to track the continuity of a shot.
A parenthetical (or "wryly") is used to modify how a dialogue is delivered. Use it very sparingly. It is not a means of directing the actor. So on page 2, you would change the dialogue:
Code:
GRANDPA
Hey Ira, time to get up. I made you
breakfast (whisper).
to
GRANDPA
(whisper)
Hey Ira, time to get up. I made you
breakfast.
Don't write paragraphs of multiple actions. It helps to break them into visual shots. Describe what the viewer sees rather than generic descriptions. What does "he's enjoying the scenery" mean? What is the neighborhood? Is he riding along a suburban street, through a park, along the main street of a small town? You have a picture in your head that you want to sketch out. Don't go into elaborate detail, but give the reader a sense of where the story is taking place.
Code:
INT. IRA’S HOUSE - GRANDPA’S ROOM
Ira’s grandfather sits on his bed motionless. On the dresser
behind him, there are pictures of a younger grandpa and his
platoon during the Vietnam War. In his hand he holds a pill
bottle. He stares at, turns the top and takes it off. He
closes it back up and tosses the bottle over his shoulder. He
grabs his head in frustration.
GRANDPA
Walter. I just can’t believe it, I
can’t believe your gone.
He breaks out in tears.
Even in dialogue, be sure that any grammar, punctuation and/or spelling mistakes are intentional to reflect the character. In the above "your" should be "you're". I know it all sounds petty but it gives an image of inattention. Especially after the slugline.
If I were rewriting that passage, I'd work from location description to action.
Code:
INT. IRA’S HOUSE, GRANDPA’S ROOM - DAY
Ira’s grandfather sits on his bed motionless. On the dresser
behind him, there are pictures of a younger grandpa and his
platoon during the Vietnam War. Beside it a picture of him
at his son Walter's wedding. A pill bottle stands beside it.
Grandpa reaches for the bottle, stops to regard the pictures
before grabbing it.
He holds a pill bottle. He shakes his head, stares at the top,
turns the top and takes it off.
He goes to pour out a pill, pauses, then closes it back up and
tosses the bottle over his shoulder.
He grabs his head. His hands press into his face, rubbing and
sliding through his hair as he exhales.
GRANDPA
Walter. I just can’t believe you're
... you're gone.
He breaks out in tears.
What does his frustration look like? Give some indication who Walter is. I made it his son but it could be an army buddy. You need to make it clear for that comment to make sense. It's clearly meant to be a powerful scene so take some time to develop it.
The grandpa's behaviors seem inappropriate and unmotivated. The characters need more development. You have an idea of the story but not much thought to the actual characters. PTSD and bipolar disorder can be a bad mix. However, you really need to do more research. The way you present grandpa is not consistent with either the actual conditions or what most people would expect. With so many returning Gulf and Iraq War veterans, there is lots of coverage. It may be it's developed later but you need to draw the viewer in now to care about Ira and the effects it has on the family. As a therapist, I've had to work with veterans having PTSD and bipolar disorders. So I'm perhaps more critical than the general public. However, I think you have some valid ideas that can be developed. The development in the first five pages doesn't feel authentic and believable.
Anyway, that's a lot to digest. There's a lot of basic writing stuff that needs to be addressed. I haven't even begun to discuss story, character development, dialogue or other features. It sounds like an interesting concept. Most new writers want to get feedback on the story when they don't realize that the mechanics needs to be in place. It's hard to discuss the interior design of a house before the floorplan is even clearly laid out. The floorplan and design go hand-in-hand. "The kitchen looks a little small. -- That's the bathroom, not the kitchen!"
Hopefully you can take on board some of the comments and use it to improve your next draft. Cheers.
