I wonder if anyone would give me their opinion on a very short excerpt from my last script. It’s “finished” in the sense that it’s in circulation, the full script has been requested and sent for reading, etc. (I tend to the opinion that a script is like a poem; as Paul Valery said, “Poems are never finished, only abandoned.”)
What I’m looking for is an opinion on transition and tone-appropriateness. A pro script consultant who did a cover criticized this section as lacking a good ear for tone. Some background:
Title: GALAHAD
Genre: Comedy
Log Line: A family hires a formerly famous but now washed-up alcoholic attorney to save their family home from being confiscated by a corrupt city mayor.
Think Lee Marvin’s alcoholic gunslinger from CAT BALLOU turned loose as a lawyer in a contemporary setting.
A bit of synopsis to get you up to speed:
Middlevile, Connecticut. Springtime. ABIGAIL SIMON (60), widow and distinguished matron, is dying of cancer. The city’s Mayor, DALILI MARTIN (55), is in cahoots with businessman (and transplanted Jersey wise-guy) Sal Migliori (50) to seize Abigail’s lovely family home under “eminent domain” for a shady business deal. Abigail’s daughter, VALENTIA (Vale) DAMIAN (30) and her husband live with Abigail. Vale shows all the signs of depression: sloppy dress, horrible addiction to sugar and cynicism. She’s married, unhappily, to ETHAN DAMIAN, a man full of vastly unwarranted self-importance and who’s as incompetent in everything he does as he is vain. Neither Abigail nor Vale knows that Ethan is conspiring with Dalili and Sal.
Arrayed against the evil trio is Abigail, Vale and SANCHO VALDEZ (40), a portly and gentle handyman who lives in the family guest house. When Dalili and Sal present Abigail with eviction papers, the scene is set for a life and death struggle over the beloved family home. Abigail reveals that she’s hired a famous 70’s radical attorney by the name of GALAHAD HIDALGO. Expecting a distinguished gentleman in his 60’s to arrive, Vale and Sancho are shocked at who shows up at the airport. He’s sunburned, long-haired, and wearing a garish Hawaiian shirt and sandals from having spent Abigail’s retainer on a trip to Tahiti, Playa del Carmen and Hawaii. He’s also drunker than a hoot owl.
Galahad promises to straighten up his act and dry out, but his court date to defend the family ends with him (and Vale) in jail for contempt. Resorting to “Plan B,” a loopy scheme Galahad concocts to infiltrate a soirée for the Mayor, he plies the enemy camp with liquor and drugs and tries to seduce Dalili, all for information he can use. He ends up spiking the punch with LSD. Dalili and Galahad, higher than a kite, engage in a lascivious banquet (with a sly wink to Albert Finney in TOM JONES) with carrots, caviar, spaghetti and figs that goes horribly wrong.
It’s at this point that in the story arc that Abigail, sadly, passes away. The two scenes I’d like you to look at happen, first, in her room as the body is laid out before the funeral and, secondly, at the funeral after.
What I am after in tone is a bit of black humor, tinged with just a little poignancy. I’m convinced that the best comedy is always just half a step away from pathos.
I suppose you’d need to read the entire script to take the context, but since I’m pretty much trying to achieve the same tone throughout the script, if this short 4-page excerpt gets there, then it can’t be “tone-inappropriate.” Or so I am hoping.
I guess the only thing you need to know is that Abigail has passed away on her birthday and Galahad has not gotten the memo.
Anyway, here’s a link: http://www.politikonzoon.com/GalahadExcerpt.pdf
Thanks in advance if you have the time and inclination to take a look.
Best,
-Charles
What I’m looking for is an opinion on transition and tone-appropriateness. A pro script consultant who did a cover criticized this section as lacking a good ear for tone. Some background:
Title: GALAHAD
Genre: Comedy
Log Line: A family hires a formerly famous but now washed-up alcoholic attorney to save their family home from being confiscated by a corrupt city mayor.
Think Lee Marvin’s alcoholic gunslinger from CAT BALLOU turned loose as a lawyer in a contemporary setting.
A bit of synopsis to get you up to speed:
Middlevile, Connecticut. Springtime. ABIGAIL SIMON (60), widow and distinguished matron, is dying of cancer. The city’s Mayor, DALILI MARTIN (55), is in cahoots with businessman (and transplanted Jersey wise-guy) Sal Migliori (50) to seize Abigail’s lovely family home under “eminent domain” for a shady business deal. Abigail’s daughter, VALENTIA (Vale) DAMIAN (30) and her husband live with Abigail. Vale shows all the signs of depression: sloppy dress, horrible addiction to sugar and cynicism. She’s married, unhappily, to ETHAN DAMIAN, a man full of vastly unwarranted self-importance and who’s as incompetent in everything he does as he is vain. Neither Abigail nor Vale knows that Ethan is conspiring with Dalili and Sal.
Arrayed against the evil trio is Abigail, Vale and SANCHO VALDEZ (40), a portly and gentle handyman who lives in the family guest house. When Dalili and Sal present Abigail with eviction papers, the scene is set for a life and death struggle over the beloved family home. Abigail reveals that she’s hired a famous 70’s radical attorney by the name of GALAHAD HIDALGO. Expecting a distinguished gentleman in his 60’s to arrive, Vale and Sancho are shocked at who shows up at the airport. He’s sunburned, long-haired, and wearing a garish Hawaiian shirt and sandals from having spent Abigail’s retainer on a trip to Tahiti, Playa del Carmen and Hawaii. He’s also drunker than a hoot owl.
Galahad promises to straighten up his act and dry out, but his court date to defend the family ends with him (and Vale) in jail for contempt. Resorting to “Plan B,” a loopy scheme Galahad concocts to infiltrate a soirée for the Mayor, he plies the enemy camp with liquor and drugs and tries to seduce Dalili, all for information he can use. He ends up spiking the punch with LSD. Dalili and Galahad, higher than a kite, engage in a lascivious banquet (with a sly wink to Albert Finney in TOM JONES) with carrots, caviar, spaghetti and figs that goes horribly wrong.
It’s at this point that in the story arc that Abigail, sadly, passes away. The two scenes I’d like you to look at happen, first, in her room as the body is laid out before the funeral and, secondly, at the funeral after.
What I am after in tone is a bit of black humor, tinged with just a little poignancy. I’m convinced that the best comedy is always just half a step away from pathos.
I suppose you’d need to read the entire script to take the context, but since I’m pretty much trying to achieve the same tone throughout the script, if this short 4-page excerpt gets there, then it can’t be “tone-inappropriate.” Or so I am hoping.
I guess the only thing you need to know is that Abigail has passed away on her birthday and Galahad has not gotten the memo.
Anyway, here’s a link: http://www.politikonzoon.com/GalahadExcerpt.pdf
Thanks in advance if you have the time and inclination to take a look.
Best,
-Charles