A first bit of my screenplay.

[doomedvideos]

I have only just started writing screenplays, only writen 2 short ones. Its good fun but I would just like an opinion on this first bit of mine.

This is based in the UK so if the dialogue seems a bit querky thats why lol


EXT.DEALERS DOOR.DAY

TOMMO rings the bell of his pot head dealers door, he waits with his hands in his pockets for CLIVE to answer.

A dopey looking man smoking a joint answers the door.

CLIVE

Alright mate.

TOMMO

Hey, hows it going, you alright to sort me out?

CLIVE

Yeah sure, come right in mate.

Tommo walks through the door.

INT.DEALERS HOUSE.HALL.DAY

Tommo walks through the front door closing it behind him. Clive puts his arm on Tommo's shoulder and talks quietly to him.

CLIVE

There's another guy in there waiting mate, his names DIZZY.

TOMMO

Dizzy? like the Egg right?

CLIVE

Egg? look just don't stare at the mole on his face, he's a bit paranoid about it.

TOMMO

(chuckles)

Yeah sure mate.

INT.DEALERS HOUSE.FRONT ROOM.DAY

Tommo walks through into the front room, a small coffee table of bongs and smoking items clutters the area. Tommo sits on the couch and looks at Dizzy, then at the table.

CLIVE

Right ill be back in a jiffy fellas!

Clive walks out the room.

TOMMO

So...

(beat)

You alright then mate?

dizzy

Yeah fine mate you?

TOMMO

Not so bad, just skint all the time like.

DIZZY

Yeah I know what you mean I have been lately, but got some work for tomorrow.

TOMMO

Ah yeah where at?

DIZZY

Just in town...

(beat)

Say you got a car?


TOMMO

Sorry?

DIZZY

You drive?

TOMMO

Yeah?

DIZZY

Sorry I just need someone to pick me up tomorrow from town.

 

[directorik]

The first thing I notice is you mention people walking through
doors. You end the exterior scene with Tommo walking through the
door then you start the interior scene with Tommo walking through
the door.

The poor wording aside, this action is unneeded.

CLIVE
Yeah, sure. Come right in, mate.

INT. DEALERS HOUSE/HALL - DAY
Clive closes the door and drapes his arm over Tommo’s shoulder.

CLIVE
There’s another guy....

You also slip into a very typical “newbee” trap: you tell the
reader Tommo is ringing the bell of his pot dealers door. There
is no way to know that the house belongs to a pot head dealer or
that the pot head dealer inside is Tommo’s pot head dealer.

What does a pot head dealers house look like. I might see it as
well maintained flat on a posh street. Is that what you want the
reader to see?

When you get into the front room, you describe what will be seen.
That give me a feel of the room much better than simply stating
that it’s a pot head dealers house.

 

[doomedvideos]

The first thing I notice is you mention people walking through
doors. You end the exterior scene with Tommo walking through the
door then you start the interior scene with Tommo walking through
the door.

The poor wording aside, this action is unneeded.



You also slip into a very typical “newbee” trap: you tell the
reader Tommo is ringing the bell of his pot dealers door. There
is no way to know that the house belongs to a pot head dealer or
that the pot head dealer inside is Tommo’s pot head dealer.

What does a pot head dealers house look like. I might see it as
well maintained flat on a posh street. Is that what you want the
reader to see?

When you get into the front room, you describe what will be seen.
That give me a feel of the room much better than simply stating
that it’s a pot head dealers house.

I see what you are saying, I guess I was trying to explain whos house he was in, is this because I am sort of writing a story instead of a screeyplay?

I shall reedit these bits and revise what I have done, thankyou!!

 

[Filman]

Seems to be going well for you, if you ask me.