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A couple of short film scripts.

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I read 'The Deal'

Seems like you switched genres right at the end, that's usually a mistake IMO. Overall it didn't make sense to me, saying things like 'the merchandise' and 'we can't do this just anywhere' seem out of place considering what they were talking about.

lastly, not a big deal, but nonetheless is one word not 3
 
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Here's some feedback for you on all three scripts:

The Deal:

I liked the switch of genres at the end because I like stories that have some kind of mislead or red herring in them. I do agree that saying things like 'the merchandise" doesn't match with what we find out later.

My suggestion/opinion is to just make some adjustments to the dialogue. Some changes you could make are:

(page 1 - bar) Take out the lines "Do you have the money?" and "Yes, where am I going?" because I think that the actions of the character will suggest visually to the audience what is going on here.

(page 3) After the thug says "Let's see it" instead of the man saying "I want to see the merchandise" you could have him instead say "Where's what I came for?"

Basically take out the use of the word Merchandise wherever you have it mentioned or spoken.

Superstitious:

I enjoyed this one too for the red herring. I think that this would be more suited as being a running series of sketches where Debbie keeps checking her horoscopes every episode and expecting to receive what was said but not in the way she wanted it.

Customer Service:

Again another red herring. What I like about this is that it's something we have all had an experience with in one form of another so having something people can relate to helps quite a bit.

Overall I like your style of writing. For me the only one that really needs a little reworking is The Deal. With Superstitious you have me wanting to see Debbie go through more situations to see what other shenanigans happen and Customer Service is something an audience can relate to.
 
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These aren't really short films... they feel more like experimental comedy skits. Something that might belong on SNL or something like that (even though I'm not a fan of SNL, not the modern day SNL at least, but they've a lot of similar stuff on it.)
 
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I guess I should have said in my original post that these were written specifically to help some fellow performer friends pad their reels. I was asked to write them and keep them as short as possible, which is why Customer Service (which I wrote first) is 13 pages, then The Deal is 5 or so pages, and Superstitious is 4 pages. They were looking for scenes that they could film in a couple of hours... That's probably why they have a "sketch" feel to them...

I still appreciate the feedback though!
 
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Overall the first 2 were pretty good. Weakest part I thought was some of the dialogue.

Some needless words in your action.

At least they had a beginning, middle and end.

The third one... the cable being out... I couldn't take it any more and had to stop at page 10. That one I'd flush.
 
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LasVegasIRA said:
I guess I should have said in my original post that these were written specifically to help some fellow performer friends pad their reels. I was asked to write them and keep them as short as possible, which is why Customer Service (which I wrote first) is 13 pages, then The Deal is 5 or so pages, and Superstitious is 4 pages. They were looking for scenes that they could film in a couple of hours... That's probably why they have a "sketch" feel to them...

I still appreciate the feedback though!
Click to expand...

that sounds like an excuse.. you can have a great story in one page, length is not a limitation.
you'll never learn from feedback if you just dismiss it
 
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LasVegasIRA said:
I guess I should have said in my original post that these were written specifically to help some fellow performer friends pad their reels. I was asked to write them and keep them as short as possible, which is why Customer Service (which I wrote first) is 13 pages, then The Deal is 5 or so pages, and Superstitious is 4 pages. They were looking for scenes that they could film in a couple of hours... That's probably why they have a "sketch" feel to them...

I still appreciate the feedback though!
Click to expand...

It's not the length... there are plenty of excellent short films that are extremely short, animated shorts in particular, but they still feel like a complete product. They can stand on their own. And short films are essentially short stories, these don't feel like stories at all. I'm not saying they're bad, I'm sure a lot of people will enjoy this brand of silly over-the-top comedy, a lot of people do... SNL, talk shows have sketches like these, Mr. Bean and the like. They just don't really qualify as short films.

I would recommend you watch the FX show Louie if you haven't already... because you seem to be going for a comical short film with an awkward situation or what-have-you... now there is a show that has stories... even though some people label them as sketches, but they really feel like short films, 'cause they have soul and meaning, and are not just for amusement with some gimmick in them.
 
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