critique 9 Page Children's Fantasy (Witches)

sfoster

Staff Member
Moderator
Gerda Young Witch
PG-13
Fantasy Sci-Fi

Plot: Five powerful witches live in an enchanted forest where nothing ever dies.
When they freeze time to make a special moment last forever, they're targeted by a killer robot from outer space.

Yeah go ahead and laugh Jkds πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„
It's witches vs robot aliens

EDIT ON 6/27 4:37PM EST
Updated for clarity with all of @Jkds Feedback
EDIT 6/30 2:44 PM
Punched up dialogue and sharpened character contrast.
Also changed all dialogue addressed by @pedramyz

Now 11.5 Pages.
 
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what parts were confusing. Sounds like it needs a rewrite
Ok, a few rambling questions - Why did they stop time, what was that for? And what then happened while the time stopped? Where did the groundhog come from if time was stopped? What was Rayla trying to get Gerda to do after eating the pig when Gerda started chanting, and why couldn't she do it herself? What caused the other witches to collapse painfully to the ground, the chant? When they wake, how does Aya know they were detected by an alien machine when the time stopped and that there's one in Rayla's head? Why do they think Gerda betrayed them?
 

sfoster

Staff Member
Moderator
Ok, a few rambling questions - Why did they stop time, what was that for? And what then happened while the time stopped? Where did the groundhog come from if time was stopped? What was Rayla trying to get Gerda to do after eating the pig when Gerda started chanting, and why couldn't she do it herself? What caused the other witches to collapse painfully to the ground, the chant? When they wake, how does Aya know they were detected by an alien machine when the time stopped and that there's one in Rayla's head? Why do they think Gerda betrayed them?
That’s great thanks! I’ll rewrite to address these.

stopping time was inspired by Lana del rey lyrics, it’s simply a romantic notion of celebrating moment between people

It’s the first time they met Gerda.

Flames so hot that they turn blue
Palms reflecting in your eyes, like an endless summer
That's the way I feel for you
If time stood still I'd take this moment
Make it last forever

groundhog was always there but wasn’t dead.
Yes to your questions. And Aya chants a spell to see the truth before all her magic is gone, that’s the staring into the fire bit. I will revise and cross cut that in real time with Gerda chanting to make it clearer. Show a vision inside the fire. and try to revise the evil dialogue about how/why Gerda is chanting
 
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stopping time was inspired by Lana del rey lyrics, it’s simply a romantic notion of celebrating moment between people

Freak is one of her best if not the best in my opinion. So intoxicating. Interesting that you were inspired to write a piece by this. For me her songs have this sick, dark yet intoxicating underlay of L.A ( Charles Bukowski style but more optimistic). I would have definitely implemented that into my story . This is a matter of absolute personal taste. I understand your story is a kids' fantasy. But I couldn't help notice it comes off as too innocent if you know what I mean. Hadn't it been for kids I would have criticized your dialogue for being a bit too on the nose. Characters rant a lot("There you are" , " you are early", "Yes why bother waiting and I see.." and Instead of using dialogue to show someone's feelings SHOW it. For example Zelda says: "Oh my god what just happened?" Instead just show that she is surprised by her reactions. You could do this to some of your other on the nose dialogues too. "Show. Don't tell". Your characters don't have distinct voices neither which is one of the toughest things to achieve in writing a script I admit.

As you already know I'm no professional man. Could be wrong about all this. But in my experience these are eye - catching mistakes that immediately turn off the reader. Hope could help.
 

sfoster

Staff Member
Moderator
Freak is one of her best if not the best in my opinion. So intoxicating. Interesting that you were inspired to write a piece by this. For me her songs have this sick, dark yet intoxicating underlay of L.A ( Charles Bukowski style but more optimistic). I would have definitely implemented that into my story . This is a matter of absolute personal taste. I understand your story is a kids' fantasy. But I couldn't help notice it comes off as too innocent if you know what I mean. Hadn't it been for kids I would have criticized your dialogue for being a bit too on the nose. Characters rant a lot("There you are" , " you are early", "Yes why bother waiting and I see.." and Instead of using dialogue to show someone's feelings SHOW it. For example Zelda says: "Oh my god what just happened?" Instead just show that she is surprised by her reactions. You could do this to some of your other on the nose dialogues too. "Show. Don't tell". Your characters don't have distinct voices neither which is one of the toughest things to achieve in writing a script I admit.

As you already know I'm no professional man. Could be wrong about all this. But in my experience these are eye - catching mistakes that immediately turn off the reader. Hope could help.
Thanks Pedramyz!
My first draft was called "very confusing", you call my second draft over explanative haha.
3rd draft should be perfect then.

Some of the dialogue was definitely bad!! I woke up at like 2am today and started working on the script.
Punched up a bunch of the dialogue and sharpened the character contrast. (link updated in OP)

Although some of the specific lines you have a problem with are still in the script πŸ˜„ I'm quite happy with the improvements that were made.
This is turning into a film that would be really fun to watch. I will consider all your suggestions in the next draft.

I want to rewrite the final battle scenes but that'll happen another day.
This is the lana song that I have listened to the most :)


her video for "Ride" resonates with me a lot too. its very poetic.
 
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Gerda Young Witch
PG-13
Fantasy Sci-Fi

Plot: Five powerful witches live in an enchanted forest where nothing ever dies.
When they freeze time to make a special moment last forever, they're targeted by a killer robot from outer space.

Yeah go ahead and laugh Jkds πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„
It's witches vs robot aliens

EDIT ON 6/27 4:37PM EST
Updated for clarity with all of @Jkds Feedback
EDIT 6/30 2:44 PM
Punched up dialogue and sharpened character contrast.
Also changed all dialogue addressed by @pedramyz

Now 11.5 Pages.
seems like a hot topic nowadays! Netflix just released (not sure if in US) a witch rom com "It is ok to be not ok" (S.Korea), which has great Burton type visuals!
 
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