5 pg script feedback on Kevin Spacey's project

[Ernest Worthing]

Hey everyone!

This is a short 5 page comedy script that was written last year for Kevin Spacey's Jameson competition where 3 would be selected in which he would star. Needless to say i didn't win. The requirements were that it be no longer 7 pages, title and all (if i remember correctly) and the chosen category was comedy.

I'm wondering just how good and entertaining my script actually was so any kind of feedback would be useful to me in the future. Did everything come across clearly? Were the jokes too subtle? Was it simply not funny? Anything that comes to your mind, feel free to throw it at me and dont worry about hurting my feelings.

Thanks for your time!

Ernest.

The Double
http://www.ernestworthing.com/the-double.html


And a big thanks to Murdock for helping me edit and format it.

 

[Filman]

Okay the concept is pretty clear and Kevin would with no doubt shine as Kevin here, but it seems you've given their readers several reasons to put this aside. Small things along the way.

First, Harry stars this one and not Kevin. Already that must have disqualified your script. It is a bit hard to follow, not sure who "he" is from the beginning, so it becomes unclear how to relate to what's happening. The energy goes out. The point at the end... not sure what happened.

A better approach would have been to build in more emotions and use Kevin as the main character.

 

[Ernest Worthing]

Thanks for the feedback, Filman. I was afraid that was going to happen. Since Harry is Kevin's exact look alike, Spacey would play both characters.

 

[dlevanchuk]

Oh man. That was hard to follow..
I'm not really sure whats going on and got very quickly lost as soon as somebody mentioned tom cruise and being his stuntman..
are they all doubles for the big name actors? Why are they repairing hollywood sign?

Too confusing for me. But then again, I might be tired

 

[VivaChiba]

First off: you have to set the SCENE accurately. I was thinking that it was some random sign reading Hollywood. If you mean Hollywood Hills, write that.

- No character descriptions. If Harry is Kevin Spacey's DOUBLE, you have to make that clear from the off-set, after all, "we see" Kevin on screen as Harry.

- There's an actor direction ("paranthetical", as Final Draft refers to its brackets) for Tom underneath his lines (which is plain weird).

- Page 5: "Harry is revealed." Only, the two blokes are identical...

- Which is fine leading up to your big joke, HAD YOU ONLY shown a backstage scene after the show in which other actors slap Harry on the back, say, "You were brilliant as always, Kevin.

And that's why your big joke fell flat - you missed a beat. Otherwise, it could have been pretty amusing.
Live and learn.

 

[Jack Lynt]

Ernest, I liked it. It has an amusing premise, and I would have thought it would be a good vehicle for Spacey.

I take it that the three men (or at least Harry) work as stand ins, while their day jobs are working for the city?

As others have commented, I suppose it might be helpful if somehow that, or whatever the case may be, is made more clear.

With my initial reading, I guess I did think some of the dialogue felt just a touch stiff, that is to say, maybe it didn't feel as naturalistic as I might have liked. I might hazard to recommend looking it over a little bit and rounding some of the sharp corners off a bit, so to speak. But the dialogue is fun and overall I like it.

First off: you have to set the SCENE accurately. I was thinking that it was some random sign reading Hollywood. If you mean Hollywood Hills, write that.

- No character descriptions. If Harry is Kevin Spacey's DOUBLE, you have to make that clear from the off-set, after all, "we see" Kevin on screen as Harry.

- There's an actor direction ("paranthetical", as Final Draft refers to its brackets) for Tom underneath his lines (which is plain weird).

- Page 5: "Harry is revealed." Only, the two blokes are identical...

- Which is fine leading up to your big joke, HAD YOU ONLY shown a backstage scene after the show in which other actors slap Harry on the back, say, "You were brilliant as always, Kevin.

...

I was thinking much of that too.

Pretty amusing and cute. I can easily imagine Spacey playing that. I'm sorry you didn't win. =)